serial sexual predator celebrates women’s history

hilarity ensues

yesterday, in recognition of Women’s History Month, the White House released the following statement from Preznit Fuckwit.

“yeah, that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. you know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful... I just start kissing them. it’s like a magnet. just kiss. I don’t even wait. and when you’re a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. grab them by the pussy. you can do anything.”

oh Jesus H. Fuck, I’m sorry. that’s the wrong quote. how did that get in there?

let’s try this again. [clears throat]

yesterday, in recognition of Women’s History Month, the White House released the following statement from Preznit Fuckwit.

shit, sorry. I got it wrong again. goddammit, how does this keep happening?

okay. let’s try this one final time.

yesterday, in recognition of Women’s History Month, the White House released the following statement from Preznit Fuckwit.

“I recognized immediately when I came into the room, I looked down, I said— ’cause I didn’t— read, heh heh, I can’t prepa— if I prepare my speeches, I won’t time to get things done. you know, you ever hear that? yeah, I cannot prepare. so I didn't know who the hell I was speaking to, but I walked in and I saw this beautiful woman with the blonde hair.”

oh my god, you saw a beautiful woman ‘with the blonde hair’? what did you do next, bro? did you have your Tic Tacs ready?

for fuck’s sake, Donny was speaking at an official White House event commemorating Women’s History Month. why is it that this malignant toad can’t go thirty seconds without sounding like the adjudicated rapist he is?

I don’t know about you, but I’m shocked as shit to learn that the illiterate asshole with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel doesn’t prepare for his speeches.

you could have fooled me. I mean, look how well Donny reads off a script he’s seeing for the first time in his life.

“… special day, and since I took office we created we've created more than three hundredjerb — thraaahuuuu take a listen to this number, three hundred thousand jobs.”

Donny doesn’t just sound unprepared — he sounds like a demented stroke victim. at this point, sticking President Pudding Cup behind a podium and expecting him to deliver a speech is really a form of elder abuse.

you know what? let’s give Donny a free pass, just this once, on his inability to prep his speeches in advance.

but how about the stupid fuck prepare in advance for his wars? would that be too much to ask, to have a plan B ready for when ‘bomb them into the Stone Age’ doesn’t work?

[taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being informed that the president’s Slovenian green-card rent-a-wife has something she wants contribute to the discourse.

“as a visionary, I know success is not born overnight, but rather takes shape after a long and sometimes challenging process. often alone at the top, I follow my passion, listen to my instinct, and always maintain a laser focus.”

what in the hallowed name of Self-Delusional Jesus is this dumbfuckery? who refers to themself as a visionary?

what was Melania’s ‘vision,’ beyond marrying someone with a shitload of money and waiting for them to kick the bucket? it’s a plan that seems to be working out just swimmingly, isn’t it?

‘fock you Donald, you take own car.’

could one of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press please — at long last — ask Melania to list the five languages she claims to speak? because English sure as shit isn’t one of them.

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but let’s get back to King Fuckface the First. he’s been waiting very patiently for a chance to play a vigorous round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.

“we have the Olympics, the World Cup coming up, and, uh, twenty— you know, the, the really biggest is 250 — and I did all three of them. I did— THE OLYMPICS I got the Olympics, and I got THE WORLD CUP. then I got 250, but I’ve never been given credit for that. they won’t give me credit for 250 years, but I’m here for 250.”

look, I know that Donny taking credit for shit other people accomplished is pretty much his whole brand, but on what planet does Donny deserve credit for the Declaration of Independence?

if you want to give someone credit, give it to six-hundred-and-ninety-six-year-old Chuck Grassley. he actually fought in the Revolution.

hey, how awesome is it that if you google ‘Chuck Grassley,’ it autocompletes ‘age’ right up top?

but I digress.

look, Donny — enough with making Women’s History Month all about you. could you please get back onto the topic at hand, and maybe even just this once not sound like a unhinged rapist?

“the Trump administration listens to women and moms, which is why we are doing more to help women struggling with infertility than any administration in history. uh, this all started when I got a call from Katie Britt, a great— senator from— Alabama. I don’t know if she’s here but, uhhhh— I never said ‘be here,’ but she did call me and she said ‘listen. we have a problem,’ and she explained the problem. I wasn’t that familiar with it, I must tell you, but after about two minutes I understood it very well, and we really took that issue, infertility, we took the whole situation with, uh, what was happening, so many bad things were happening throughout the country, and we solved it.”

oh really? you solved ‘it’? in just two minutes? what was the ‘it’ that was solved, despite all the ‘bad things’?

once again, listening to Donny prattle on is like listening to a fifth grader try to fake his way through an oral report on a book he didn’t read.

‘… and so if you have courage, they give you a red badge, and that’s why everyone should read The Red Badge of Courage.’

but Donny, he’s so smart, he solved the Red Badge of Infertility in just two minutes. good old Donny. he knows more about in-vitro fertilization than all the in-vitro fertilizers — and now, big strong doctors, the midday sun glinting off their rippling biceps, tears of gratitude streaming down their cheeks, are going ‘sir! sir! how do you do it, in just two minutes! sir!’

are we sure that Donny really solved infertility all by himself? what about the daughter he wants to quote-unquote ‘date,’ if that’s what we’re going to charitably call it? she didn’t help, even just a little bit? because I hear that Ivanka, too, knows more about sciencing than all the sciencers.

let’s get real, and do a quick fact check: Donny hasn’t accomplished shit about infertility. for fuck’s sake, it was just last year that Republicans blocked a bill that would have made IVF more affordable.

and fetuses have been declared persons in Katie Britt’s home state of Alabama, effectively ending access to IVF there — so what the fuck is she so proud of having accomplished?

look, if we’re never going to get a ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ from the press —

could we at least get a ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’

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goddammit, here’s a situation that’s annoying as fuck. I just discovered that the item with which I was going to conclude this post is a photoshopped fake — at least, I could not independently verify its existence — and now I’ve written myself into a corner and don’t have a proper ending. if this were a Monty Python sketch, I could just end it with a big foot coming down and crushing everything.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.