scams, grifts and assassination porn: the Donald Trump crazy train rolls on

nobody could have predicted Donny’s cultists would be this easy to con

ahoy there, Patriot! I see you’re wearing your MAGA hat and your FUCK YOUR FEELINGS t-shirt. that’s great — but how about your pickup? is it festooned with two dozen Trump flags? it is? cool! how about your house, is the entire side of it plastered with Trump banners? super! do you do nightly readings from your Trump Bible?excellent! you’re really doing your part to Make America Great Again.

have you ahem “invested” in those $99 Trump Digital Trading Cards? what, you bought the whole set? fantastic! try not to think about how they’re now worth less than what you paid for them. how about those gold spray-painted $499 Trump Sneakers, do you have those? you bought two pairs? awesome!

did you put a second mortgage on your double-wide so you could drop a hundred thou for a Trump watch? what, the bank turned you down? fuck those commie fuckers.

well, buck up, boy-o — because have I got something special for you. feast your weary eyes on the Donald J. Trump Fight Fight Fight Sculpture.

I shit you not, this ugly-ass knickknack is a real thing — and it can be yours for only $59.99.

just look at this craftsmanship. check out how lovingly these artisans have rendered Dear Leader’s piss-mop tangle of hair.

oh, and the back of this abomination is emblazoned with the words “THE DAY GOD INTERVENED.”

that’s right, when dweeby incel (and registered Republican) Matthew Crooks fired his weapon at Dear Leader, God — who by the way, never misses a Trump rally, he’s a huge fan — got all proactive, altering the path of the bullet so it would instead shatter the skull of an innocent bystander.

now, how can we be so sure that this was the work of God? because we have a witness, that’s how. Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene was on the scene, and personally saw God take the Ethereal Escalator down from Heaven to do a little angel origami.

“I believe we all witnessed a miracle, literally. y’know, before it happened, the flag above got blown in the wind and it got tied into what literally looked like an angel. did you see that video? oh my god, you have to find that. it was truly— it was like an angel coming down, it was the American flag tied. they had to bring it down and all the people in the stands helped unravel it. it was literally before he came out on the stage.”

and so Dear Leader’s fervent worshipers have turned the day Donny got his ear nicked into a religious event.

you know what? all good religious holidays need a name. let’s call this one Grazemas. we can probably repurpose Saint Nick for it, too.

Donny returned to Butler, PA, yesterday to do a little hate-rallying — and for the first time in months, Donny actually had a big fucking crowd.

every cultist wanted to make a pilgrimage to the site of the Miraculous Ear Grazing.

none of Donny’s warm-up speakers were able shut the fuck up about the assassination attempt.

Lara Trump:

God spared Trump’s life “because He was not finished with Donald Trump.”

failson Eric:

“They tried to kill him”

Couchfuck McGee:

“First, they tried to silence him. When that didn't work, they tried to bankrupt him. When that didn't work, they tried to jail him. And with all the hatred they have spewed at President Trump, it was only a matter of time before somebody tried to kill him.”

and of course Donny wasn’t going to pass up a gift-wrapped opportunity to whine about how he’s always the victim.

“over the past eight years, those who want to stop us from achieving this future have slandered me, impeached me, indicted me, tried to throw me off the ballot, and who knows, maybe even tried to kill me.”

here’s a thing that definitely never happened.

“my great doctor at Butler said ‘sir you’re the luckiest man alive, this would be a great time for you to go out and buy a lottery ticket. I’ve never seen anything like it.’”

Donny’s recounting of his harrowing ear-grazing just gets more dramatic over time — and now he’s finally crossed over into sir story territory, with the obligatory big, strong doctor, his surgical scrubs barely able to constrain his massive biceps, tears of gratitude pouring from his eyes, as he comes up to Donny and says sir! sir! no one has ever survived having the tippy-tip of their ear nicked. sir! how do you do it?

Donny did take time out from his pity party to touch on other important subjects so vital to the health of our great nation.

“it’s crazy. and if you look at weightlifting contests, they’re the best of all. for years and years and years they go, they put an eighth of an inch— they put an eighth of a pound on one side of the— barbell.”

I, for one, am glad that Donny is finally taking on Big Weightlifting. for too long, we’ve allowed these corrupt — oh hell, I’m no good at sanewashing Donny’s incomprehensible mouth-farts. I have no fucking clue what he’s gibbering about here.

Donny had a special guest star join him on the Butler stage: the Space Nazi.

he’s so fucking weird.

I don’t even know what to say about this, except that ketamine must be one hell of a drug.

Politico ran all this batshittery through their patented SaneWasher5000™ — and here’s what it vomited out:

go home, Politico. you’re drunk.

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here’s another cool story of Trumpian grifting and corruption. this one’s out of Oklahoma.

Ryan Walters is the education superintendent of Oklahoma. evidently, Ryan’s never heard of the separation of church and state, because he’s decreed that every public school in Oklahoma must have a Bible in every classroom.

but not just any Bible, no. Oklahoma’s classroom Bibles must include the text of the Pledge of Allegiance, the U.S. Constitution — and here’s an oddly-specific requirement: the Bible must be a King James Version and be “bound by leather or leather-like material.”

now here’s the fun part: there’s only one Bible that checks every one of Ryan’s boxes.

What Bible fits the bill? The country music star Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A. Bible, which is endorsed by former President Donald J. Trump and costs $60, far above the average price for Bibles. Mr. Trump receives royalties from their sales; financial disclosure reports filed in August show he has made $300,000 from the Bible since endorsing it.

Each copy of Mr. Greenwood’s Bible includes a handwritten version of the chorus of his song “God Bless the U.S.A.,” a frequent anthem at Trump rallies. It also includes copies of the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence and the Pledge of Allegiance. And it is bound in brown leather.

how convenient. Ryan Walters has found a state-sponsored way of shoveling money directly into Dear Leader’s pocket.

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here’s another fun story of cultists and their money being soon parted. it seems that scammers have infested Truth Social and are extracting hundreds of thousands of dollars from Donny’s gullible marks.

But new documents obtained by Gizmodo reveal the site has also been flooded with scammers who are swindling users out of enormous sums of money. We’re talking about people who’ve lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in a relatively short period of time.

nobody could have predicted that Donny’s worshipers would be so easy to con.

One person who says they lost $170,000 explained they were initially scammed on a different site but met someone on Truth Social who claimed they could help get their money back. That turned out to be a scam as well. But more often, the victims are first contacted on Truth Social before being told to take the conversation somewhere else, like WhatsApp. Truth Social seems to be a target-rich environment for people who are easy to con.

One 72-year-old man who reported chatting with a “beautiful” woman on the site was scammed out of $21,000. His complaint ends with, “I haven’t told my wife about this blunder. She still doesn’t know about it.”

nope, nobody could have predicted this.

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oh look, the Space Nazi’s mom is as big an idiot as her son.

“The Democrats have given us another option. You don’t have to register to vote. On Election Day, have 10 fake names, go to 10 polling booths and vote 10 times. That’s 100 votes, and it’s not illegal. Maybe we should work the system too.”

I don’t know where Maye is getting her information from — maybe a Trump Bible? — but no, that’s not how any of this works.

but please, go right ahead, MAGA — commit election fraud. vote a hundred times, and then do let us know how much you like being imprisoned. oh, and say hi to Tina Peters for us.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.