Republicans held an “impeachment hearing.” it was a chicken-fucking shit-show
“this is an unmitigated disaster,” said a senior Republican aide
well, the shit-flingers have finally gone and done it.
with the government set to shut down in two days, House Republicans wasted everyone’s time in the most House Republican way possible: by holding a quote-unquote “impeachment hearing” into Joe Biden.
they had their witnesses ready. they had the cameras rolling. they had their speeches prepared. they had their spiffy graphics perched on easels.
there’s was only one thing they didn’t have.
evidence.
how did it go? let’s ask a Republican how it went.
“This is an unmitigated disaster,” a senior Republican aide told CNN Capitol Hill reporter Melanie Zanona.
actually, it was more than just an unmitigated disaster. it was an unmitigated disaster wrapped inside a twenty-megaton clusterfuck wrapped inside a chicken-fucking shit-show.
it was Wingnut Grievance Bubble bullshit at its bullshittiest.
witness after witness testified that there just wasn’t any evidence of Biden crimes.
take, for example, Jonathan Fucking Turley. Jon has spent the last two years as Fox News’s top impeachment bloviator, appearing night after night to never shut the fuck up about the preponderance of evidence of the non-stop corruption and criming of Joe Biden.
oh, but put him under oath, and suddenly we get a very different story.
George Washington University law professor and Republican witness Jonathan Turley says that if a vote to impeach President Joe Biden happened today, he would vote “no” due to lack of evidence: “At the moment, these are just allegations.”
AOC was more direct in her questioning.
AOC: “Mr. Turley, simple question for you. In your testimony today, are you presenting any first-hand witness account of crimes committed by the president of the United States?”
Turley: “No, I'm not.”
ok, Jon, let’s go over this one more time. do you or do you not believe that the current evidence would support articles of impeachment?
“I do not believe that the current evidence would support articles of impeachment.”
great fucking star witness you’ve got there, Republicans. ace job. no notes. take a victory lap, you goobers.
Democrats brought their own witnesses. here’s Law professor Michael Gerhardt:
“but I listened to Congressman Jordan, whom I respect a great deal, when he said there were four facts. ‘Hunter Biden was on the board of Burisma. Hunter Biden was not qualified.’ so far, by the way, nothing about President Biden. ‘third, there were executives who asked Hunter Biden for help.’ again, not yet any proof about any kind of complicity of President Biden, and lastly, ‘Joe Biden gave a speech.’ if that’s what exists as a basis for this inquiry, it is not sufficient.”
now enjoy this excellent bit of shade by Florida Rep Jared Moskowitz:
“it’s a simple board, right? all other presidents of the United States, 50 percent of the impeachments. Donald Trump, the other 50. Donald Trump has half the impeachments in American history. but you know what? he’s got 100 percent of the indictments.”
but the real star of the day was Texas Rep. Jasmine Crockett, who brought both visual aids and some super fucking spicy language. holding up photos of that Mar-a-Lago bathroom packed to the ceiling with stolen classified documents, she unloaded a torrent of righteous anger.
“but when we start talking about things that look like evidence, they want to act like they blind. they don’t know what this is. these are our national secrets, looks like in the shitter to me. this looks like more evidence of our national secrets, on a stage at Mar-a-Lago. when we’re talking about somebody that’s committed high crimes, let’s say 32 counts related to unauthorized retention of national security secrets, seven counts related to obstructing the investigation, three false statements, one count of conspiracy to defraud the United States, falsifying business records, conspiracy to defraud the United States, two counts related to efforts to obstruct the vote certification proceedings, one count of conspiracy to violate civil rights, 23 counts related to forgery or false document statements, eight counts related to soliciting, and I could go on, but he’s got 91 counts pending right now. but I will tell you what President Biden has been guilty of: loving his child unconditionally, and that is the only evidence that they have brought forward, and honestly, I hope and pray that my parents love me half as much as he loves his child. until they find some evidence, we need to get back to the peoples’ work, which means keeping this government open so that people don’t go hungry in the streets of the United States, and I will yield.”
holy shit.
unfortunately, Republican are not going to get back to doing the people’s work. they’re not going to keep the government open, and they couldn’t give two shits if people go hungry in the streets.
this is your GOP, folks — wasting everyone’s time on infantile bullshit and bogus dog-and-pony shows, acting out of spite and revenge — and burning everything straight down to the fucking ground, just to watch the pretty flames.
we deserve better than these nihilist shitheads. wouldn’t it be nice to have a functional country again?
Jasmine Crockett was fucking awesome! So was Jonathan Turley (whom I despise) because the red meat base counted on him for bullshit and he did not deliver any said bullshit.
Reminds me of Beck - "Saving up your food stamps and burning down the trailer park."
And the sad part is their base just lives for this shit. Owning the libs. They won't care who goes hungry, who the shutdown hurts, what bridges collapse, of if their trailers are indeed burned down, so long as they can perceive some theoretical ground gained over "the others."
I picture a nuclear crater of America, with no life left but for Tucker Carlson crawling with his on remaining arm through irradiated waste, gasping for breath, a smile on his lips as he whispers "we sure owned the libs alright" before dying while Russia and China prepare to go to war over who gets to loot the corpse of America once all the radiation subsides.