Republicans are fighting Republicans and it's fucking glorious
Republicans are fighting Republicans and it's fucking glorious
it's utter chaos and pandemonium in GOP-land right now
it’s utter chaos and pandemonium in GOP-land right now. the most loathsome shitheels on the planet are openly warring with each other, and I, for one, could not be more fucking entertained.
let us count the ways.
Feckless Kevin vs the Freedumb Crazies
remember way back in January when Kevin McCarthy, the bumbling boob from Bakersfield, had to go though 15 rounds of voting before finally being elected House Speaker?
in order to secure the needed votes, McCarthy made a deal with the Freedom Caucus: any single one of them could call for a recall vote, at any time, for any reason.
well, the Freedummies are fucking apoplectic right now over the way Kev was totally out-maneuvered by Sleepy Brandon in the debt negotiations and they’re out for blood. Chip Roy isn’t mincing words here:
hey Freedom Dipshits, we could have told you that Kevin was shit at negotiating. your first clue might have been when he agreed to let you fire him at the drop of a hat. that’s some ace fucking deal-making right there.
conspicuously absent from the anti-Kevin chorus? the esteemed Congresswoman Sporkfoot. Marjorie Three Toes hasn’t said one word. because, y’know, who else is going to let her fondle his big gavel?
right now it seems likely that the debt agreement will survive. Kevin’s survival is anyone’s guess.
Texas Republicans vs Texas Republicans
the Texas GOP is in in full fucking meltdown mode right now.
it began when Texas AG Ken Paxton accused House Speaker Dade Phelan of being drunk in the Capitol and called on him to resign.
the very next day, it was announced that an investigation had found that Paxton had broken a double-shitload of laws.
two days later the Texas House impeached the fuck out of Paxton.
and then, in the weirdest turn of all, there was a literal dumpster fire behind Paxton’s office. what the hell?
as the saying goes, “don’t mess with Texas.”
because Texas is doing a spectacular job of messing with itself.
Donald Trump vs anyone with the utter temerity to run against him
the motley collection of dipshits who have chosen to run against Trump have a particularly unique needle to thread: they can’t actually say anything bad about Trump, for fear of pissing off his rabid supporters. all you can do is claim that Trump isn’t Trumpy enough, and that you’ll be Trumpier than Trump.
except you can’t be Trumpier than Trump. the dude is batshit fucking insane — an adderall-soaked lizard brain directly wired to a mouth in constant motion.
in a flash, he’ll turn on anybody — even his loyal former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, who made the grievous error of properly reporting some facts.
oh boy, it’s going to be a loooooong primary season, isn’t it.
and by the way, you illiterate moron, it’s spelled milquetoast.
Donald Trump’s lawyers vs Donald Trump’s lawyers
the thing about being a Trump lawyer is that eventually you have to hire your own lawyer to defend you from whatever criminal scheme Trump dragged you into.
now Trump’s lawyers are cracking under the pressure and turning on each other.
now, the whole paranoid fucktangle of lawyers have convinced themselves that one of them might be secretly ratting the rest of them out to Jack Smith.
and everyone is furious with recently-resigned Tim Parlatore.
but if you think they’re angry now, just wait until they try to get Trump to pay their bills.
meanwhile, Democrats are out here getting shit done.
Calling trump out on milquetoast somehow made my day. Maybe it was ‘illiterate moron’ what done it. Tiedrich rules!
except you can’t be Trumpier than Trump. the dude is batshit fucking insane — an Adderall-soaked lizard brain directly wired to a mouth in constant motion.
Fucking brilliant piece of creative writing, Jeff.