racists celebrate Juneteenth by completely losing their shit

boo fucking hoo, crybabies

here’s an awesome true story from American history.

on December 1, 1863, Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, granting freedom to all enslaved black people in the Confederate states. (fun fact: the E-Proc did not free those enslaved in Union states — but that’s a fucked-up tale for another time.)

you’re probably asking, did the citizens of Texas go ‘I guess we should tell the people we’ve been enslaving that they’re now free’? hell no, they did not. this is Texas we’re talking about. they were all ‘fuck that. Lincoln can eat an entire bag of dicks if he thinks we’re giving up that sweet, sweet free labor.’

fast forward to two-and-a-half years later — June 19th, 1865 — when Union Major General Gordon Granger rode into Texas, pulled out his gun and declared ‘this shit ends now.’

and so the white folks of Texas were finally forced to be all ‘oh hey, black people, you’ll never guess what happened.’

in 2021, Juneteenth became a federal holiday. Republicans hate Juneteenth, because it was signed into law by Joe Biden — and everything Sleepy Brandon does is automatically bad. so it’s only natural that yesterday, racists in America continued their multi-hundred-year unbroken streak of being shitty to black people.

Valentina Gomez, Republican candidate for Missouri Secretary of State, has a heartfelt Juneteenth message for America’s black people: get the fuck out.

“reparations from slavery and black victimization is about to be shoved down our the throats in the most ratchet holiday in America. BLM raised millions but what did they do for black lives? it is outrageous to see people asking for reparations even though they never went through slavery. these ungrateful people should be celebrating because born in the greatest nation to ever exist. here’s a tip: if you don’t like America, kindly get the fuck out.”

Valentina ends her message with a photo of her holding an assault weapon, because of course she does.

Valentina, what the fuck is your problem? Juneteenth is a holiday that commemorates the end of the enslavement of millions of people. how is that not a thing to celebrate? why are you dragging reparations into the mix? Junteenth is not about reparations — that’s an entirely separate issue.

Republicans have a long fucking list of things they like to bellyache about, and so they shove every complaint they have — reparations! black lives matter! — about those people into a handy one-size-fits-all package that they trot out for every occasion.

by the way, “ratchet” is not my typo — it’s how Valentina spelled it when she tweeted out her video. I had to google it.

Ratchet is a slang term in American hip hop culture that, in its original sense, was a derogatory term used to refer to an uncouth woman.

I still don’t get it, but whatever.

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last year, successful business fraudster and failed presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy called Juneteenth a “useless” holiday.

Vivek Ramaswamy suggested canceling Juneteenth, calling it a “useless” holiday in a conversation with Iowa voters Saturday. 

“Cancel Juneteenth or one of the other useless ones we made up,” Ramaswamy told an applauding crowd gathered at a welding company here.

hang on, Juneteenth is a “useless” holiday that we “made up”? yo Viv, did you know that all holidays are “made up”? that’s literally how holidays become holidays — someone decides to create one — and everyone else goes yeah, that sounds good to us.

but wait, Vivek isn’t done being a dipshit. there’s more.

On Saturday, Ramaswamy called the Juneteenth holiday “redundant,” saying it overlapped with other holidays, like Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

stop being so greedy, black people — why do you need two holidays? why can’t you just be happy with the one we already gave you?

folks, this is a slippery slope we’ve got here. what’s next? are black people going to start demanding their own Christmas?

oh wait, they already have one, and it’s called Kwanzaa? oh shit, don’t nobody tell Vivek. he’ll have a fucking aneurysm.

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speaking of failed presidential candidates, did you know that in 2020 — a full year before Juneteenth became a federal holiday — Ron DeSantis signed a proclamation making Juneteenth a Florida state holiday?

I’d love to show you that proclamation, but I can’t. last year, DeSantis scrubbed it from his web site — because when you’re running for the Republican presidential nomination, it’s mandatory to try to out-racist everyone else.

remind me, how did Ron DeSantis’ bid for the presidency go?

what’s that you say? he failed miserably and had to drop out? oh, how sad.

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back to the here and now. hey, did you know it’s White Boy Summer?

take black folks — or LGBTQ+ folks, or Native Americans, or any other marginalized group in America — and give them their own holiday, and white assholes everywhere start whining “when do white people get a day”?

the obvious answer is white people get the all the other 364 days of the year, so shut the fuck up, crybabies. it’s one day for someone else. jesus, how fucking damaged are you that this is a problem?

nonetheless,

now, just what the fuck is a “white boy summer”?

According to the Anti-Defamation League, it all started with actor Tom Hanks’ son, Chet Hanks, who “published a series of social media posts critiquing white men’s attire and behavior, culminating a month later with the release of his song, ‘White Boy Summer,’ which, of course, was a play on Megan Thee Stallion’s 2019 hit, “Hot Girl Summer.” But like all slogans that appear to be affirmations for Caucasian people, “White Boy Summer” quickly devolved into another variation of “White Power” to be adopted by white nationalist and white supremacist groups across America.

so, in 2019 Megan Thee Stallion releases Hot Girl Summer. it’s not a poplitical manifesto, or a call for armed revolution — it’s just a catchy pop song by a black woman.

but racists can’t leave well enough alone. racists gotta racist. a black woman having a hit song is a bridge too far for these fuckwads — when do white people get a song? — and so they have to have their own puerile response: White Boy Summer. not Hot Boy Summer — because Hot Boy Summer might be too subtle a message for the smoothbrains to understand.

and the kicker? Charlie Kirk’s merry band of White supremacists passed out White Boy Summer hats and banners at an event that Dear Leader was headlining.

did Dear Leader disavow Charlie Kirk’s racist stunt?

ha ha! what do you think?

meanwhile, America’s bigots continue to do what they always do: cry like dirty diaper babies every time black folks get a holiday, or a hit song — or anything at all.

it’s so unfair! when do white people get —

boo fucking hoo, racists. grow the fuck up.