racist game show host whines about never winning Kennedy Center award
Donny spins the Big Wheel of Grievance
yesterday, Donny’s nurses allowed him to leave the White House Assisted Living Facility so he could travel to the Kennedy Center and announce this year’s honorees.
how did it go? don’t even ask. as always, what should have been a ten-minute speech turned into an hours-long rehashing of every grudge, and a recounting of every imaginary accomplishment.
let’s watch a bottomless pit of need spin the Big Wheel of Grievance, because you’ll never believe where it lands.
“since 1978 the Kennedy Center honors have been amongst the most prestigious awards in the performing arts. I wanted one, I was never able to get one. it’s true, actually. I would have taken it, if they would have called me. I waited and waited and waited and I said to hell with it, I’ll become chairman, I’ll give myself an honor. maybe I’ll um, I’m gonna honor, next year we’ll honor Trump, okay?”
oh, okay. so now it’s a Kennedy Center honor that Donny believes he should have won. do they dole out awards for being a self-delusional fuckwit?
Donny deserves a performing arts award for what, exactly? he was a game show host. he wasn’t Olivier doing Hamlet. he wasn’t alas-poor-Yoricking the shit out of Shakespeare.
he was a reality show fuckstick whose brilliant catchphrase was ‘you’re fired’ — and Donny wasn’t even good it.
Donald Trump was so bad at picking who to fire during his stint hosting The Apprentice that the producers of the show would retroactively edit the show to make him look better.
“Our job then was to reverse-engineer the show and to make him not look like a complete moron,” a member of the production team told the authors of new book Lucky Loser, New York Times journalists Russ Buettner and Susanne Craig.
they also had to work around the fact that Donny couldn’t go five minutes without doing a racism.
that’s right, the producers of The Apprentice invented sanewashing long before The New York Times started doing it.
you know who truly deserves a prize? whoever it was who managed to edit Donny so he didn’t sound like a fucking imbecile, that’s who. that’s some Nobel-level accomplishment right there.
unfortunately, it was also a bit of a war crime.
so, next year, Donny’s gonna bestow upon himself a Kennedy Center honor, because of course he is. America’s Mad King defiles everything he touches, and there’s no quicker way to turn an award for greatness in performing arts into a worthless piece of trash than by Donny giving it to his favorite convicted felon.
this nitwit thinks he deserves all the awards. it’s why he cheats at golf. it’s why he stole the Club World Cup Trophy and forced the actual winners to make due with a cheap replica.
have you noticed what’s on the mantel in the Oval Office?
trophies. for what? who did Donny steal them from?
doesn’t matter what the award is, Donny truly believes he deserves it. if he’d been announcing the finalists in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, he’d no doubt whine about having never won one.
now let’s watch Donny play Pin The Tail On The Coherent Thought.
is his blindfold on? good, now spin him around and see if he can complete an entire sentence.
“we have great contractors here. great road builders. and we’re not ripping roads apart so they’re closed for four years as they redo the concrete bases and you don’t need that. we need a beautiful topping by a very talented asphalt-type person.”
how true that is. who among us hasn’t needed a beautiful topping by a very talented asphalt-type person.
once again, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepant’s brain freezes and out comes gibberish.
honestly, the only asphalt-type person I know is the Thing. that dude is literally made out of it.
I’ll bet the Thing could beautiful-topping the shit out of a roadway, with his bare fists.
anyway, how did we get from announcing the Kennedy Center honorees to a Shakespearean soliloquy about roadway construction? because it’s a Donny speech, that’s how. it just pinballs from one half-formed thought to another, with no rhyme or reason.
one minute it’s asphalt, and the next it’s grass.
“you know, grass has a lifetime like people have a lifetime, and the lifetime of this grass has long been gone. when you look at the parks where the grass is all tired, exhausted. we’re going to redo the grass with the finest grasses. I know a lot about grass.”
you do that, honcho. I’m sure there’s a talented grass-type person out there to help you deal with all that tired grass.
maybe Donny should send that talented grass-type person over to his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, ’cause that plot of land where Ivana is buried is looking pretty fucked up.
but do go on, Donny. I believe there was something you wanted to tell us about pumps.
“what they did to that building. they built a basement under the building. it didn’t have a basement. this is simple to understand. the building is right next to a thing called the Potomac River. the beautiful Potomac River. that means lots of water. and the water is right under the building. and they decide to build a basement under the building, in the Potomac River. so in order to do that, you need the biggest pumps that God ever created. and they were pumping their hearts out, but as big as those pumps are, you can’t pump it fast enough because it’s the Potomac River. if the pump were bigger than this room, you couldn’t pump it, but they tried. and they’ve been building a basement. I said ‘why do you want to build a basement?’ ‘I thought it would be a good idea, sir.’ a basement is the least-valuable floor in a building. I know a lot about real estate, the least-valuable thing is the basement, and you don’t build a basement under a building that is two feet above the river that is right next to it, you know, it’s right near the river. people don’t realize the river’s right out their window. and that’s the beginning. they just did a terrible job.”
what the fuck does this incoherent mess about pumps in a basement have to do with Kennedy Center awards going to Sylvester Stallone and Kiss and all the other fringe weirdos who Donny personally chose, because that’s how it’s done now?
Jesus wept. what Donny is blithering about is the renovation of the Federal Reserve's headquarters, which just happens to be nowhere near the Potomac. there’s a lengthy fact-check of Donny’s nonsense here.
the building that’s right on the Potomac is the freaking Kennedy Center itself, which is where Donny was standing as he blithered about room-sized pumps. that’s what he was looking at as he rambled incomprehensibly about how ‘the river’s right out their window.’
the stupid shit sees water and incorporates it into his nonsensical narrative.
America’s Mad King can no longer tell fact from fantasy. Vlad Putin is going to eat him alive tomorrow, and it’s not going to be pretty.
fuck it. I give up. let’s just give Donny the Kennedy Center Lifetime Award For Incoherence and be done with it.
here are your heroes of the day: California Governor Gavin Newsom’s social media team, who have been brilliantly trolling Donny all week.
they have Donny’s insane posting style down pat — the all-caps bombast, the overuse of superlatives, the childish insults, the misuse of quotation marks. it’s all there, and it’s totally fucking awesome.
now that is a performance worthy of a Kennedy Center honor.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
808 / 897
sorry to be so late posting this. it took for-fucking-ever to write, and I ended up only using about half the clips I had set aside. don't worry, I included all the batshittiest ones
Grass. Hope he’s under it soon.