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User's avatar
Jeff Tiedrich's avatar

today in Shit That Happened While I Was Busy Writing This Shit —

Holy Limpdick Johnson is still refusing to pass a War Powers resolution, because he's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

https://bsky.app/profile/atrupar.com/post/3mgamdi4dlg23

Richard Von Busack's avatar

That god-pestering swamp goblin. I can’t wait until that sawed-off fashy is a billboard lawyer in Shreveport

George in Atlanta's avatar

That flapping sound you hear is the chickens of state Bar Associations getting ready to roost. I anticipate a realignment of their world order over time. The disbarring will be epic.

HI2thDoc's avatar

What's taking so long? All the fuckery of Habba and Pirro and Halligan trying to indict over nothing? Bondi in all likelihood lying under oath to Congress?

George in Atlanta's avatar

My guess is they're lying low because of how Donny so successfully bullied the big law firms. The bringing of justice will be indistinguishable from retribution. They know with great clarity that, if they do not get out in front of this and purge their ranks of those turds, their collective reputations will be nada for generations.

HI2thDoc's avatar

The law firms that caved to him did the most sniveling, venal, cowardly thing they could have done. Despicable. Quisling collaborator scum.

Mike Hammer's avatar

That is one sorry little johnson!

CE's avatar

Maybe his name could be changed from “Johnson” to “Marzipan Dildo”…….

BDBoop's avatar

I call him Micro Johnson.

Bob Bowden's avatar

You beat me to it!

Bob Bowden's avatar

That’s what the Marzipan Dildo said

TCinLA's avatar

He's one more Johnson than the Blazing Saddles joke could use.

Nancy Eadie Larkin's avatar

Ooo! “god-pestering swamp goblin”; good one 🙏🏾

Unity In Defiance's avatar

Honestly, I’m surprised Moses Mike has “heard of it” at all.

He usually suffers from selective amnesia the second he’s asked questions.

Neal Stiffelman's avatar

Uselesser. At least the marzipan doesn’t leave a sour taste.

Cathy Rady's avatar

USED marzipan sounds unpleasant

Cheri Collins's avatar

It leaves a bitter taste to me, literally and figuratively.

Susitrav's avatar

More like "rancid"!

DJ Headthrob's avatar

Unlike Lady Lindsey.

Wendy The Druid 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🌈's avatar

My best effort today Jeff, its all I had in me.

https://thistleandmoss.com/p/the-daily-exhale-i-ran-but-how-far-did-i-ran-before-i-stopped-ranning

Wisdom for today?

"We are the ones we have been waiting for." — June Jordan

Jordan didn't say help is coming. She said we are it. No cavalry. Just us, showing up again with what we've got — a call made, a door held, a dollar sent. We are already the answer. Don't wait for the sign. You are the sign.

J Hardy Carroll's avatar

Resistance is on an individual level. When you look at the French resistance against the Nazis during the war, it was piecemeal while the people waited for the Allies to bail them out. After the war, almost everyone claimed to have been part of it. Same with the death camps: apparently nobody knew about them! What a huge surprise! The Zone of Interest showed this to great effect a couple years ago.

Aleksandra Wolska's avatar

Yep. We are it. Thank you God for not existing. All-loving and all-powerful and all this shit does not compute, never did, never will. We are the ones. Let's resist, and let's win.

Sharon Hudnall's avatar

Well, MAGA Mike is Trump's useful idiot, willing to eat sh*t for .... tell me again what's in it for him? A front row seat in business class at the Rapture?

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Right next to the Huckabees

Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

He is a useful idiot but also was one of the architects of the J6 invasion. His marzipan dildo should be investigated.

DJ Headthrob's avatar

More like the Rupture.

George in Atlanta's avatar

A post-hoc War Powers Resolution is basically pretty wallpaper made of marzipan dildos. Johnson should go ahead and take it to a vote, if it goes down Donny will ignore it anyway. There's only upside for him.

Polly Sears's avatar

Thanks for the smiles today. That Markwayne is such a great target!!

Mps's avatar

Your mom was a misspoke is hilarious

David M Marko's avatar

I swear to god everytime I see Mikey I want to smack the glasses off that condescending smirk. I would bet, in high school, this guy got pantsed on a daily basis and walked around with a perpetual 'kick me' post it note on his back.

BluDotInARedSewer's avatar

100%!!! He was and still is a fucking putz.

DJ Headthrob's avatar

Set the county record for being stuffed into his locker.

Krista Allen's avatar

You mean the guy who kept the government shut down for 43 days to avoid swearing in the final Democratic representative who would vote for the Epstein Transparency Act? Well color me shocked!

DJ Headthrob's avatar

Yeah, and how'd THAT work-out?

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Well, uncle Jeff, that’s giving marzipan a bad rap. Dildos too.

Sue's avatar

I really like(d) marzipan. I don't think I can ever eat it again.

Kim Nesvig's avatar

It’s not a war….its a special military operation. At least that’s what Vlad told us to call it.

James Starr's avatar

The limpest dick in Congress

P123Sunny's avatar

He’s doing what the Team needs… exactly imo

Joanne Beck's avatar

Love that analogy....marzipan dildo. Except they forgot the sugar.

Cassandrascat's avatar

At least Holy Limpdick looks like a marzipan dildo.

Neal Stiffelman's avatar

Who could’ve imagined that war in the Middle East would disrupt air travel or shipping?

Joe Bacon's avatar

Folks that Sleazy E & His Peter Pan Posse fired from the State Department, K$H fired in the FBI, TOOLSI fired from various intelligence agencies...the list goes on...and on..

Neal Stiffelman's avatar

I’ve witnessed baby animals at a petting zoo with a greater grasp of their social responsibilities than this gang of privileged grifters. To have to witness—hour by hour and minute by minute—how inept they are in all things is depressing as hell. I have to keep recalibrating what “dregs of society” means.

Joe Bacon's avatar

Meanwhile at the Kremlin Putin and his pals just cracked open another case of Cristal celebrating their destruction of the USA.

Martha Howell's avatar

Putin will not be mourned when he dies, but he deserves grudging credit for running the biggest, most successful opsec in history. He managed to get his co-opted, mentally ill bit-piece informant into the US presidency, and co-opt key Republicans thru blackmail and campaign donations (Buttina and the NRA) so they would allow him to wreck havoc unopposed (remember that dog-and-pony show on July 4, 2018, when he called them home to Moscow to bow to him?). Now his boy Donny has withdrawn our support for Ukraine, dismantled 80 years of post-WWII international cooperation, started a conflagration in the Middle East, and decimated our diplomatic and trade connections worldwide. I don't have to hand it to him, but he played the rot in our system and we took it hook, line, and sinker, like world-class marks.

DJ Headthrob's avatar

And all it cost him was the suite at the Moscow Hilton, two KGB hos and some videotape.

Mps's avatar

And upcoming demand for their oil

Susie's avatar

Damn. Well said, Neal. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Chris Hierholzer's avatar

Things are so fucked up that they could fire a rocket at Iran and accidently hit a city in the US.

Cyndi's avatar

Wouldn't be sure that it wasn't intentional, either. They hate US cities.

Fatarae's avatar

Indeed. Also, a little forethought from the regime could have prevented thousands of American citizens from being stranded in the middle of a war zone with NO OPTIONS to get home to the U.S.

Jill Palethorpe's avatar

OK, I'll say it. "Forethought" and "the regime" has to be the biggest oxymoron ever. Heavy on the moron part.

Joyce's avatar

Stranded Americans need to figure out how to escape a war zone--but the Moron Administration is going to send in the Navy to make sure the oil tankers can get through.

Angie Longenecker's avatar

I got it! Call for an uber. Man, I should be in the state department.

Frank Nuts's avatar

You are so right Joyce. Sad but true that money is more important than people

Oligarchs run the show. They don’t care about people. They only care about money.

When you have an oligarch running the country this is what you get.

How did he, an oligarch, convince enough people to elect him that he actually cared about them and was looking out for them?

You can rule the galaxy if you can answer that question

Jan Moon's avatar

There's no forethought anywhere in this regime. Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out. And all the holy ones are convinced that's exactly what he's doing. The chief marzipan dildo in Washington, or wherever he is, doesn't give one flying fig about the citizens in the Middle East, or the citizens in the United States, or the military anywhere in the world. He doesn't give a f*u*c*k about anyone but himself. Got it? Not ANYONE. And to say we're doomed at this point sounds a little optimistic. But We the People are still pissed and a still, small part of me still believes we can still prevail.

Frank Nuts's avatar

I feel your pain Jan. Makes me want to punch a wall but I know I’d hurt myself…but I still want to do it. You can cut the exasperation with a knife it’s so thick.

It’s like watching a bank robbery calmly walking out the front door

of a bank with a bag of cash stuffed so full that money is falling out of it and here comes a bunch of ICE agents pushing past the robber with guns a blazing in order to nab a gardener who is standing in line. Unfortunately they couldn’t nab him because they had already killed him with their guns a blazing.

That was horrific enough (the gardener had his kids with him—in fact, a couple of them got shot in the crossfire; but, you know, collateral damage and besides the kids shouldn’t have been associated with a known dangerous criminal)

But here’s the cherry on top, the part that sends you into a complete psychotic break—the robber sues the government (the American people) because he was bumped when he was leaving the bank. I think the robbers name was Buttlick or Lickdick or Lutnick I forget but he was awful mad and he wanted special privileges like permanent tax breaks and subsidies and favors for a friend that owns a bridge into Canada. And you know what…he got all that and more because he’s a special person with special privileges.

But the gardener, who was gunned down in the bank and is bleeding out, is still a threat so an ICE agent puts a boot on his throat and puts another bullet in him to make sure the threat is neutralized.

Tell me I’m exaggerating

Leu2500's avatar

thought? that's a foreign concept to this crowd.

SeekingReason's avatar

Forethought from Redumblicans! 😂

HI2thDoc's avatar

This regime of corrupt, ignorant, greedy fuckwits could not. Or they just don't give a shit. Or probably both.

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Certainly no one in Washington

Lucius's avatar

Only everyone who remembers what happened the last time we did this.

Joanne Beck's avatar

hahahahahahahahaha.

Michael Rawlins's avatar

The British civil service

Joe Bacon's avatar

I'm shocked that Rubio didn't just come out and say to those stranded in the Middle East that..."God Will Take Care Of You"...

Mike Hammer's avatar

Little Micro Rubio always seems so small, insignificant.

Joe Bacon's avatar

I call him NARCO Rubio...

Anastasia Pantsios's avatar

It's astonishing that the Washington Post sees him as one of the top two GOP frontrunners for 2028. Do they seriously think GOP voters are looking for someone so small, weak and indecisive? Of course their other choice is a socially awkward doughboy who fucks couches. Not a lot of promising material there.

Lairbo's avatar

Besides the "Broke It/Bought It" rule from Colin Powell is the one about how if you transparently and publicly lie to help your president get us into an unnecessary war, your political career is over.

Angie Longenecker's avatar

He’s actually shrinking.

Richard's avatar

I think he got speech therapy for his lisp though. Good for him. Now if he could get therapy for his idiotic rambling.

Richard's avatar

Don’t make fun of the way people talk. Say Mush Mouth Markwayne 10 times fast. 💨

Lairbo's avatar

He's probably waiting for Huckabee to say it, likely adding that their sacrifice will earn them a special place in heaven.

Bob Bowden's avatar

Meanwhile a Special Room In Hell has been reserved for the whole lot of ‘em, and it’s not a gilded ballroom

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

At least then Donald will be reunited with his father.

Leu2500's avatar

wanna bet Huckabee is out of there?

Cheryl Seybert's avatar

More like May the odds be forever in your favor

Lairbo's avatar

After being stranded by an airline who offered ZERO help in making alternate travel plans I swore on the pen of my aunt to never fly them again. I can't imagine how these people stuck in a war zone must feel or how they'll react. Hopefully, they'll all make it back okay and take their revenge at the ballot box.

Jean Jacoby's avatar

Right! Thoughts and prayers.

Angie Longenecker's avatar

That’s gonna be Mike Huckabee.

Susan Niemann's avatar

Marzipan Dildo will be the name of my metal rock band.🎸

HI2thDoc's avatar

They can open for Steely Dan.

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Did you mean Steely Dong?

Mary Hall's avatar

Sounds like you know the origin of the band's name.

HI2thDoc's avatar

That may escape the trademark laws. Or maybe not.

HI2thDoc's avatar

"The Sex Toys Tour '26"

Susan Niemann's avatar

Think of the bands logo opportunities tho! 🤭

Martha Howell's avatar

Opening act: The Missing Noem Bag

Susan Niemann's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

HI2thDoc's avatar

Steely Dan had an album titled Katy Lied. Might I suggest Marzipan Dildo's first album be called Krisit Lied

Susan Niemann's avatar

I wanna sing the lead vocals on that one. Perfect! 😜

HI2thDoc's avatar

Gonna have a lot of songwriting material: shooting puppies, lying, adultery, wasting taxpayer dollars, cosplaying, botox, cosmetic dentistry makeover, stunning stupidity (not being able to define habeas corpus), ad nauseum

Susan Niemann's avatar

Better topics than pickup trucks, beer, and bibles! 😁

Cheryl Seybert's avatar

Susan let me know when you get your band together; so I can apply for the tambourine position!!🤣

Susie's avatar

I’ll take triangle! 🎶

HI2thDoc's avatar

First metal band ever to have triangle and fiddle players!

Susan Niemann's avatar

We’ll make a fortune and do a complete concert tour. Think of the merch we can sell! 🤪

Charles Austin's avatar

The Marzipan Dildo empire!!😂😂😂😂😂

Susan Niemann's avatar

Haha! Yes! And we’ll play all our hits on Substack Jukebox every Monday!👍🏻👏👏👏

Cathy Rady's avatar

I would like to sing . . . ala Yoko Ono

Irascible Ink's avatar

Ooh, ooh, can I join? I play bass and was once in a hair band called...wait for it...

Stiff Kitten

😸

Susan Niemann's avatar

Omg! Thats awesome!😂😂😂

Susan Niemann's avatar

Gonna need more cowbell for sure! 🤣

247kath's avatar

I can rage really well😈

Susan Niemann's avatar

👏👏👏👏.

Jane's avatar

🤣🤣🤣

Karen Barrett's avatar

The State Department is useless because DOGE eviscerated it and because this administration has gone out of its way to replace career foreign service employees (who know how to get stuff done) with loyalist bozos.

Leu2500's avatar

The State Dept is CURRENTLY useless.

When (knock wood) a Dem is elected prez in 2028, the transition needs to be on warp speed. (in fact, it should actually start when we have a nominee. some things can start when we have a Dem House in 2027.). put all of those Dem-affiliated think tanks, etc to work. give them their swim lanes. then mostly get out of their way. 1) develop plans to prevent Trump political appointees from "burrowing in." 2) figure out how to put employees hired during his presidency on admin leave while they figure out who can be fired for cause (lots of cause at DHS/CBP/ICE). State Dept employees who got pushed out? figure out how to rehire them ASAP. if it has to be as contractors 1st, fine. Take advantage of telework. 4) Use that immunity SCOTUS gave the executive. Don't worry about lawsuits. 5) Find patriots who are willing to be interim Sec of State, deputy this, that the other so there's no vacuum & the admin can start fixing things while in parallel you have the permanent appointees going thru the conformation process.

whichever think tank does HR is going to be key. Knowledge of Federal Employment Law & Federal personnel computer systems will be key.

This needs to be done in EVERY agency, committee, etc. Think Quick Reaction Force. the equivalent of landing vehicles, paratroopers etc need to be ready to go in & take control on 1/20/29 at 12:01. sorry, folks. the parties are going to have to wait. you have a country to save.

Lisa Bieber's avatar

Thankfully, Biden teams hit the ground running. People forget how good he was at some things.

Anastasia Pantsios's avatar

There's going to be a huge problem: the reluctance of knowledgeable, competent people to take a job that can just be flicked away at the election of the next president, particularly if the best of the best have found more stable jobs. Trump's gutting of the government will have a longterm impact.

Karen Barrett's avatar

All Trump’s orders that made it easy to fire federal employees should work in our favor. Retrieving people with expertise may be more problematic.

Anastasia Pantsios's avatar

Exactly. A lot of people won't want to come back now that they've seen how easily a rogue president can disrupt careers and lives.

Cathy Rady's avatar

that also holds true for our relations with other countries. Biden was able to reestablish many of the norms that Trump had trashed during his 1st term. But after this clown show, other countries would be foolish to believe in anything that we promise them.

Joyce's avatar

And, Day One of the No, It's So Definitely NOT A WAR: Ka$h fired all of the FBI experts on Iran.

Jamie Schler's avatar

“please do not rely on the US government for assisted departure or evacuation at this time. there are currently no United States evacuation points.”

As an American living abroad...what the hell? Prez Fuckwits started a war and didn’t plan, organize, or care. He's never cared about strategy, why should he? He's ignorant about anything happening outside his Sadam Hussein golf club or the ruins of our White House. And he doesn't care. It's all about out-Obamaing Obama, whatever his warped demented brain thinks that is. And proving to the world he's got the biggest penis. Him and warmongering Pig Hegseth. My outrage runneth over.

barb's avatar

Only men with the tiniest, tiniest penises try to prove that they've got a big one. My fav was a South Park clip where he was masturbating with a tweezers lol.

Tess's avatar

Pig Hegseth will remain in my vocab!!!

Jamie Schler's avatar

I caught my husband calling him that lol

Gina's avatar

where the hell were the generals...yessir yessir to any absurd orders?

SeekingReason's avatar

They are also committing Constitutional crimes. But apparently it doesn’t matter.

Jelly's avatar

Funnily enough I was just remarking the other day that whilst it always seemed harsh to us non-Americans that Uncle Sam taxed all Americans on al their worldwide income, no matter where they lived, there was the unwritten guarantee that if the shit did hit the fan, they'd usually have an aircraft carrier and a bunch of marines to pull said Americans out of the mess. Well, looks like that's gone fuckety-bye now...

Sharon Hudnall's avatar

The U.S. Treasury is so hopelessly in debt there's no way we can tax ourselves out of it. It would take breaking the billionaire class and that won't happen in our lifetimes.

kathie donovan's avatar

wasnt there a huge storm of criticism of Biden for leaving American citizens behind in Afghanistan? Even tho they had been warned 3 months in advance of American troop withdrawal and chose not to leave?

devourerofpancakes's avatar

Yes, that's what I was thinking of before. Where is the outrage now?

barb's avatar

The double standards and hypocrisy are enraging!!!

Wendymae's avatar

No doubt they will blame Biden for the stranded citizens in the coming days.

Jennifer's avatar
4hEdited

The phone number posted on Trump's social is purely so that his dumbass followers can say, "SEE? He's helping them get home!" then they shut the app and call it a day. The truth that the number is 100% useless, meanwhile, reaches no one.

It's just another Lie Whack-a-Mole that we have to smack down (like to "war" or "not to war") and that's a losing game. Because his cultists already have their "truth." Why listen to anything else?

SethTriggs's avatar

And because they have a pet rightwing media human centipede (including MSM) there isn't going to be significant criticism of this.

Jelly's avatar

Is it a premium rate phone number that he takes off some cash from? 😉 'Cos that grifting won't grift itself

Mps's avatar
2hEdited

1-900-FUCKYOU

HI2thDoc's avatar

Hey kids another sordid story

Of Kristi and her sidepiece

the married fella Corey

Canoodling in the sky

as they fly around

It would be cheaper for the public

if they cheated on the ground

ICE Barbie went ballistic over her lost bag

She's such a vicious hag

A plane with a bidet and a queen-sized bed

What a waste of bread

K-K-K-Kristi and her jetsssss

Richard's avatar

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Cheryl Seybert's avatar

I agree but it was her blanket she forgot….

HI2thDoc's avatar

That was the initial story she put out. Later it turned out it was her carry-on bag. So she lied. Big surprise

AuntTeeFa's avatar

😏her “blanket”

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

To the tune of Bennie and the Jets, by Elton John?

HI2thDoc's avatar

Roughly. Sorry, Elton and Bernie

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

No apologies necessary. It’s very creative.

Charles Austin's avatar

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Frosty McGillicuddy's avatar

The crew is so sick and depraved

And the GOP Congress has caved

"Let's all just bend over

And like l'il Rover

We lie down and sulk, then behave."

"Ohhhh! Trumpy is so goddamn mean!

He's worse, he is more than obscene

But still we must listen

Or he'll be pissin'

And pretend we are little pre-teens'l"

Steve in SoCal's avatar

"Thank you for calling

We have some helpful advice

Kiss your ass goodbye"

Richard's avatar

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Dave Drell's avatar

Way too good!🆒

Charles Austin's avatar

👏👏👏👏👏👏

PEACE, LOVE, RESIST's avatar

I don’t know about you guys but I was told last week that gas prices were $1.85, but ours here were $2.59. In four days, the price of gas went up 40 cents to $2.99. I heard it’s not a supply issue but a “price issue”. Which in reality means we have plenty of supply but it’s a great time for oil companies to make record breaking profits off American consumers. Isn’t this country just a big fucking train wreck? Thanks for nothing President pudding cup.

Anna Bolique's avatar

Ours were $3.09 in northwest AZ. Now they're $3.34.

In Phoenix it's probably $.40 higher than that.

Sharon Hudnall's avatar

Close to $5/gal. in San Diego, so cry me a river.

Anna Bolique's avatar

Oh, I'm well aware. I'm from L.A.. Still have family and many friends there.

Reader/Writer's avatar

That’s where I am too, Anna. I concur.

David Skoglund's avatar

Will this bullshit military disaster be the final nail in Scump’s political coffin?

Mary Greenwald's avatar

NO! He could personally kill Americans on our streets and the Supreme court would agree it was part of his duties as President. The Republican Congress would be on vacation and the Democrats would shout foul, but do nothing.

David Skoglund's avatar

That would be a bridge too far for even this Supreme Court, Mary.

Susan Niemann's avatar

🤞🤞🤞 please make it be so.

David Skoglund's avatar

How can it not be, Susan?

Susan Niemann's avatar

I feel like every time something will bring him down and it doesn’t… so I hope THIS will be it! The GOP needs to get it together.

SethTriggs's avatar

The pricktator and his maladministration aren't elected to be competent or even moral. They're elected to torment and destroy the minorities that the unreconstructed hate.

Jayme Wolworth's avatar

Ok so, if the State Department had information that Iran was going to bomb Israel and that's (one of many) excuses that DonOld and Liddle Marco are making up to justify their reign of terror, then why on earth did they not tell Americans to at least evacuate ISRAEL???? Because it's all bullshit. Now Americans can pound sand and wait for them to get their shit together before they get blown to shit. This is the most incompetent administration in history and I just hope our fellow countrymen stay safe until someone with a brain helps get them home.

8647 and his syphilis neck

Cheryl Seybert's avatar

Couldn’t agree more, Jayne!!! Morons each & every one of them!!

bruce somers's avatar

I'm out of fucks to give...,and excuse the fuck outta me, we're at war(no denying that),why the fuck haven't we seen a goddamn general for 3 days now?? Are they hiding, afraid to admit they're following illegal orders?? And goddamn Secretary of Hair and Makeup Hegseth said yesterday Trump is the messiah waging the final Holy War to rid the Holy Land of the infidels, no doubt that MFer fell off the wagon.

Mary Sundberg's avatar

And th e y had a shit fit over Hillary and Bengasy (sp)

George in Atlanta's avatar

But.... HER SERVERS!!!!