Preznit Fuckwit pardons turkeys, forgets to collect bribe

just another batshit day in the tinpot republic of America

one of the remarkable things about Little Donny Fuckface is that he can’t ever have an appropriate human response to anything. you’d imagine that every now and then he’d stumble into decency by accident, but no. somehow, in every situation, he always manages to be the worst person possible.

look at this. Donny can’t even perform the simple ceremonial act of pardoning a turkey without being a ginormous piece of shit.

“instead of pardons, some of my more enthusiastic staffers were already drafting the paperwork to ship Gobble and Waddle straight to the Terrorist Confinement Center in El Salvador.”

HA HA HA HA HA, GET IT? Donny was going to send the turkeys to the same slave-labor torture-gulag into which he disappears innocent migrants. gross human rights violations are so fucking hilarious, am I right?

what kind of sick ghoul even thinks of such a thing to say?

also, ‘Gobble’ and ‘Waddle’? they named the turkeys after the way Donny eats and walks? do you think they intended to name them ‘Goebbels’ and ‘Wehrmacht’ but decided at the last minute it was too on-the-nose?

how dare this corrupt fuck even joke about granting pardons. he’s made a mockery of the whole process. he’s pardoned war criminals. he’s pardoned cop beaters. insurrectionists. pedophiles. political cronies. business partners.

stuff a sock in it, Donny. after all that shit, no one’s impressed that you’re pardoning birds.

if Donny had any decency at all, he’d have hidden himself away in shame, and gotten Joe Biden’s autopen to pardon those turkeys. but silly me, for even imagining some farcical version of Donny that has the ability to feel shame.

no, Preznit Fuckwit has no shame — and so he’s out here making sick jokes about disappearing Goebbels and Wehrmacht into a Salvadoran torture prison.

and then he turned the whole thing into just another MAGA rally speech, where he praises himself for all his imaginary accomplishments, and takes gratuitous swipes at his political enemies.

“[JB Pritzker] is a big fat slob.”

fact check: shut the fuck up, Piggy. do you even own a mirror?

it was so fucking ludicrous — and so inappropriate — that even the lapdogs at the Washington Post couldn’t help but commit a journalism and point out the absurdity of it.

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while that was going on, Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel’s FBI was busy harassing the six Democrats who committed the high crime of reminding our armed forces to obey the Constitution.

The FBI has requested interviews with six Democratic members of the U.S. Congress who in a video message told members of the military they can legally refuse to carry out unlawful orders, a Justice Department official told Reuters on Tuesday.

what a super-appropriate use of government resources, to send law enforcement to intimidate political opponents who had the temerity to annoy America’s Mad King.

these six Democrats committed no crime, and everyone knows it. this is pure authoritarian bullshit. Dear Leader wants us all to be too terrified to open our mouths in protest of his evil fuckery. yeah, well — here’s a free clue for you, Donny.

we’ve become the very thing we used to mock — a tinpot third-world autocracy being mismanaged into the ground by a dangerous lunatic.

lucky us.

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look who Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, Secretary of Who Gives A Shit What He Calls It, is mad at today.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning for the military to sever all ties with Scouting America, saying the group once known as the Boy Scouts is no longer a meritocracy and has become an organization designed to “attack boy-friendly spaces,” according to documents reviewed by NPR.

apparently the Scouts have come down with a bad case of woke.

In a draft memo to Congress, which sources shared with NPR but which has not yet been sent, Hegseth criticizes Scouting for being “genderless” and for promoting diversity, equity and inclusion.

genderless! oh noes! someone wake up Nancy Mace.

Last year, as a Fox News host, he complained about the Scouts changing their name and admitting girls back in 2018.

what is Piss Drunk Pete afraid of here. the boys are going to get cooties?

His memo to the House and Senate Armed Services committees argues the Scouts have strayed from their mission to “cultivate masculine values.”

what are these ‘masculine values’ that SecDef Kegstand is so hot to have the Scouts ‘cultivate’? is it getting ahem allegedly blackout drunk and then paying your victim to shut the fuck up about having ahem allegedly been assaulted?

tell me more about these ‘boy-friendly spaces.’ does Piss Drunk Pete imagine himself living inside a Little Rascals short, in which he’s a proud member of the He-Man Woman Haters Club?

maybe if Piss-Drunk Pete is so hot for ‘boys’ to have their own ‘spaces’ where they can learn ‘masculine values,’ maybe he should start his own club. a government-sponsored youth group, complete with its own uniform. a group where boys can learn to be loyal patriots, working to better their lives in service of Dear Leader.

I’m loving this idea.

of course, this new org is going to need a name. how about the Shitler Youth? those two pardoned turkeys, Goebbels and Wehrmacht, can be the official mascots.

or is that too on the nose?

where does Plastered Pete even find time for this penny-ante shit? he’s running an entire branch of the government. he’s responsible for millions of employees. there are only so many hours in the day.

but here he is, drafting memos about whatever stupid bug has wedged itself up his ass on any given day. way to focus on what’s important, you drunk-dialing national security nightmare.

seriously, Donny and all his henchmen are wrecking everything — from the big shit like geopolitical relationships, all the way down to tiny things like what the Scouts call themselves.

it’s all so fucking petty — and, as always, embarrassing.

other countries are laughing at us, when they’re not recoiling in horror.

when these shitsticks leave office, there are going to be so many broken pieces to glue back together. please don’t scream at the next Democratic president when they don’t have everything fixed after three months. it’s going to take years.

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let’s go out on a high note. you may think you already know everything there is to know about Mark Kelly. he’s a veteran. a devoted husband. a patriot. a senator. an astronaut. hell, dude’s even worn a gorilla suit in space.

but here’s another thing you may not know about Mark Kelly: he’s a skateboard whiz.

I shit you not. here’s Mark back in 2022, at the Navajo Nation Parade. check out these moves.

look at Mark go! let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now let’s compare and contrast.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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