Pete Kegstand shits a brick when Meal Team Six shows up in Chicago
how fucking petty can one man be
decent Americans were horrified last week, when Mad King Donny announced his plan to send National Guard troops into American cities to go to war against their own people.
that shit ain’t America.
but there was one guy who pumped his fist in the air and went ‘fascism, fuck yeah!’
that guy was razor-wire-booby-trap aficionado Greg Abbott, the sadistic Governor of Texas. he was all ‘yo homies, I got shitloads of National Guard right here. where do you want me to send them? Chicago? boom! manifested!’
despite Illinois Governor JB Pritzker and Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson both making it crystal clear that Guard troops in Chicago were neither needed nor wanted, two hundred members of the Texas National Guard were sent up to the Windy City — because the authoritarian shitweasels currently infesting our federal government aren’t big on consent.
as military transport vehicles rolled onto the streets of Chicago, the worst people in the world all stood up and cheered — because fascists gonna fascist.
but there was one guy who was horrified by what he saw.
that one guy was Secretary of Defense Plastered Pete Kegstand, the five-time International Flip A Skateboard Into Your Own Nuts Champion.
was Piss-Drunk Pete horrified by Dear Leader’s fascist display of brutality? fuck no. he’s totally down with that shit. Pete loves hypermacho posturing almost as much as he loves guzzling champagne straight from the bottle.
Petey McFlipNuts was horrified because the troops who stepped off those transports in Chicago were not the lean, mean fighting machines of his dreams.
they were Meal Team Six.
Pete was all ‘you fucks. didn’t you hear me last week when I literally said “no fatties in the military”? I gave a whole speech about it.’
seriously, Piss-Drunk Pete went ape-shit and told the Guard to get that big-boned battalion out of his sight.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth proudly shared the news Monday that some Texas National Guard troops who didn’t meet physical fitness standards have been replaced.
Hegseth, who has said that “fat troops” and “fat generals” are unbecoming of the U.S. military, declared that “standards are back” in his department after some members of the Texas National Guard showed up in Illinois, apparently overweight.
maybe it’s just me, but I’m more concerned with the fact that the Fox News dunk-tank clown currently running our military is a terminally inept fuckstick with a habit of butt-dialing classified war plans to reporters, and less with the physical appearance of the troops he oversees — but as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us back in those madcap Iraq War days, sometimes you go to war in Chicago with the day-drunk Defense Secretary you have, not the day-drunk Defense Secretary you want.
as always, it’s so fucking stupid — and embarrassing.
Plastered Pete sent those troopers home because he’s a small, petty, vindictive tyrant-wanna-be who got Big Sad because everyone on social media laughed and made Operation Dessert Storm jokes.
once again, we’re being governed by children who care way too much about what happens on the internet, and can’t take a joke.
let’s get real for a minute. we’re all having a great time snickering at these plus-size patrollers, but is there any reason to doubt they could have done their jobs?
these joes were not storming the beach at Normandy. they were being sent to an American city that had no need for them. they were going to stand around, scratching their asses, and eventually be assigned to rake leaves or whatever, just as their counterparts in DC ended up doing.
who besides Perfect-Hair Pete would have given a fuck if a few of the troops looked like they hit the mess hall a few times too many?
this is what happens when you take an useless weekend chat-show host who values style over substance and put him in charge of military readiness.
Kegstand wants the military to conform to his own fragile infantile notion of strength. what he wants are soldiers who are white, male, and impossibly fit.
you know who else was fixated on their soldiers being peak exemplars of white maleness, don’t you? of course you do.
weird how everything our fucked-up government does these days, the Nazis did first. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Piss-Drunk Pete has an additional reason to be Big Sad this morning.
remember that clownfuckery he pulled a couple of weeks ago, where he decreed that all reporters covering the Pentagon had to sign a pledge agreeing to stop doing any actual reporting, and only print what the Department of Defense had approved in advance?
you’ll never guess how the media reacted. no, I mean you’ll literally never guess, because we’ve grown accustomed to the lapdog press rolling over and doing whatever the fuck their fascist overlords demand.
but not in this case. after being commanded to become complicit military propagandists, almost every major news outlet has cordially invited the Pentagon to go fuck itself.
Media across the ideological spectrum said they will not sign the Defense Department’s restrictive new press policy by Tuesday’s afternoon deadline.
we haven’t seen media solidarity like this in a very long time.
look who’s with the refuseniks: Newsmax.
even far-right lapdog Newsmax was all ‘yo, Pentagon — you can chow down on all the dicks if you think we’re putting our names to that bullshit.’
that’s how far through the looking glass we are.
oh my god, look who else is refusing to obey: our nation’s airports.
Several major US airports - including Las Vegas’ Harry Reid International, Portland International, Seattle-Tacoma International, Charlotte Douglas International Airport and three in New York - are refusing to play a video of Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem in which she blames Democrats for the federal government shutdown.
Little Miss Hair Extensions made herself a propaganda tape in which she lays blame for the government shutdown on those mean old commie marxist Democrats, and decreed that our nation’s airports show that drek on their video screens — and many of them were all pretty much ‘fuck straight off, puppy perforator.’
“We believe the Hatch Act clearly prohibits use of public assets for political purposes and messaging,” one airport said.
no shit, Sherlock, but it’s nice to see someone actually come out and say it for once.
solidarity is going to be our only way out of this nightmare, so thank you to the airports, and to the media, for showing a little spine for a change. even — who thought I’d ever say this? — to Newsmax.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
869 / 958
oh look, I managed to write 1,251 words and quite purposely never once mention the middle east — so let me do so down here in the comments.
I'm happy there's a ceasefire in place, I'm happy the surviving hostages have been returned, and I'm happy that Palestinians are currently not being used for target practice.
but let's get real. the media currently slobbering all over Dear Leader's ass need to get some perspective.
none of the people involved in this ceasefire can be trusted. not Donny, not Bibi, and not the leadership of Hamas. it's only matter of time before this *latest* ceasefire is breached.
I tried to write this without fat-shaming anyone. I'm sure the internet will let me know if I failed