perfectly normal stuff at the White House Correspondents Dinner

just as our founders intended

what the fuck just happened?

here’s what we know so far: some complete rando with an unknown grudge obtained a weapon, just as our founders intended. he then attempted to take that weapon into the White House Correspondents Dinner, just as our founders intended.

shots were fired, just as our founders intended, pandemonium ensued, just as our founders intended, and Preznit Fuckwit used the occasion to whine about why he needs a vulgar Epstein Dance Hall™, just as our founders intended.

it was just another perfectly normal day in the United States of Guntopia.

goddammit, the universe had one job: to let me doze peacefully in front my TV on a Saturday night.

the Secret Service had one job: to not have let a gunman enter the building.

the press also had one job: to report accurately on what had just occurred right in front of their very eyes.

and Donny had one job as well: to not be a ginormous grievance-baby.

everyone fucking failed.

“and uh, we looked at— all of the conditions that took place tonight, I will say, y’know, it’s not— a particularly secure building and uhhhhh— I didn’t want to say this, but this is why we have to have— all of the— attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. it’s actually a larger room and it’s uh much more secure, it’s got— it’s drone-proof, it’s bulletproof glass, we need the ballroom. that’s why Secret Service, that’s why the military are demanding it. they’ve wanted the ballroom for a hundred and fifty years for— lots of different reasons, but today’s uh a little bit different ’cause today— we— need levels of security that probably no one’s ever seen before.”

I don’t know about you, but I never tire of hearing this story about how big, strong military dudes — uncontrollably weeping copious tears — have been coming up to Donny for a hundred and fifty years, and saying ‘sir! sir! we need levels of security. levels of security like no one’s ever seen before — possibly the greatest levels of security of all time, sir!’

no, we do not need a vulgar Epstein Dance Hall™ — and we sure as hell don’t need some fugly abomination that’s bigger than the existing White House.

drone-proof whatever-the-fuck and bulletproof glass aren’t going to stop any determined rando with a gun from trying to enter the building.

but you know what will stop that shit? sensible gun control legislation, that’s what.

maybe at long last it’s time to stop making it so easy for anyone who wants to to become Yosemite Sam.

but that’s the elephant in the room that we’re never going to talk about. sorry, that national conversation is no longer on the table, and nothing is going to bring it back — not decades of school shootings. not repeated assassination attempts. it’s all so fucking stupid. we have the means with which to prevent shit like this from happening, and we’ve completely given up trying.

but at least Nosferatu McGoebbels got to cop a feel off his pregnant wife, so there’s that.

why is Stephen Miller using his wife as a shield? shouldn’t it be the other way around?

oh, and could the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press possibly have been more useless than they were last night?

I doubt it.

Van Jones on CNN right now:

“Bullets are physical things…and they move past you faster than you can react.”

thanks a lot, Van. you’re doing us a real solid with valuable insights like that.

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last night’s clown show pushed yesterday’s much more important news right off the front page.

Moron Number One and Moron Number Two — Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner — were all set to jet to Pakistan and spend the weekend negotiating a peace deal with Iran, when Donny phoned them up and told them the trip was off.

why? because negotiating — and I shit you not, Donny actually said this — is ‘too much work.’

I just cancelled the trip of my representatives going to Islamabad, Pakistan, to meet with the Iranians. Too much time wasted on traveling, too much work! Besides which, there is tremendous infighting and confusion within their “leadership.” Nobody knows who is in charge, including them. Also, we have all the cards, they have none! If they want to talk, all they have to do is call!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP

sorry, world — there can’t be peace in the Middle East, because the laziest asshole on the planet had decided that it’s ‘too much work’ to even try.

how can Donny claim he doesn’t know who’s in charge in Iran? figure it the fuck out, dipshit. that’s your job. it’s what you were elected to do. stop whining about how hard it is.

you know, Obama’s team spent two years negotiating his nuclear agreement with Iran — the agreement that Donny ripped to shreds because he was jealous of a black man’s accomplishments.

The Iran nuclear deal of 2015 – formally known as the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action, or JCPOA – was reached after more than two years of intense, marathon negotiations largely between the United States and Iran, though other signatories to the deal were all the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, plus Germany.

the Shitwit Brigade — Witkoff, Kushner and Couchfuck McGee — have so far spent a grand total of ONE DAY negotiating with Iran, after which they gave up and went home.

one day.

that’s what happens when you sent complete amateurs to do the job of skilled diplomats. they show up all full of unearned bluster and bravado, and then they find out that oh, fuck me — this shit requires actual experience.

real diplomats spend their entire lives learning their craft — but just try explaining that to Witkoff and Kushner. they don’t want to hear it. it’s too much work.

governmenting is hard work. diplomatting is hard work. presidenting is hard work. all that shit requires an unbelievable amount of effort — but nobody in the Donnyverse wants to put in the time. it’s too much work.

oh, boo fucking hoo.

and how delusional is Donny, to claim he holds ‘all the cards’? if that were anywhere near true, the Strait of Hormuz would already be open — and Iran would be begging the US to cut a deal. none of that shit is happening. in fact, Iran is laughing at Donny right now — and he’s too high on his own supply to realize it.

oh, to have the supreme and serene self-confidence of a mediocre imbecile like Donny. it must be nice.

you know, every morning when I sit down to write these things, I’m racked with self-doubt. what if my premise is wrong? what if I can’t make a persuasive point? what if I fuck up my facts? what if I’m not funny?

but not Donny. he just blunders his way through life, and then congratulates himself for being amazing. he shits the bed from dawn til dusk — and then demands praise for all the awesome chocolate pudding he’s created.

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everything is unbelievably stupid right now, so let me at least leave you with this.

courtesy of Threads user ‘ginger.in.kc,’ here’s some Secret Service action from last night’s Correspondents Dinner, set to the Benny Hill theme.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.