oh fuck, we forgot to have a War on Christmas
shit, what do we do now?
remember the War on Christmas? remember how much fun that was? Republicans used to cower in their homes as gangs of MS-13 roamed the streets, ready to punch the shit out of anyone who failed to say ‘Happy Holidays.’
seriously, Fox News really fell down on the job this year. back in the good old days, loofah enthusiast Bill O’Reilly would devote weeks upon weeks of programming to tirelessly documenting every instance of a public figure failing to pay proper tribute to Jesus Claus by saying Merry Christmas, using instead the Karl Marx-approved woke greeting Happy Holidays.
look, commies, Bill’s just trying to do you a favor by restoring you to God’s graces. it’s right there in your Bible, heathens, in Zealots 4:20 — “thou shalt only say Merry Christmas, lest I smite ye blaspheming fuckheads.”
listen to your Uncle Bill, infidels, and stop inciting God’s wrath.
after Bill was sent to a big farm upstate where he would have room to run around and sexually harass all the other dogs, it was up to Fox News found objects like Jesse Watters to carry the mantle.
but this year? crickets — and so rank and file Republicans had to step into the breach.
here’s Georgia’s own three-toed embarrassment.
“Merry Christmas Eve everyone!! It’s the last Christmas under Democrat Communist control. Freedom is coming!”
I think we can all agree that Democrat Communist Christmas is the worst kind of Christmas. remember when we had to wait in line for hours just to buy a potato to put under the Generic Holiday Statue of Michelle Obama all of us were forced to have in our homes? Donny’s gonna put an end to that shit.
in 2025, we’ll have the freedumb to buy a $90 Christmas ornament from Dear Leader’s Slovenian trophy wife.
pro tip: if you’ve got 90 green ones to waste on tacky ornaments from the woman who whined ‘who gives a fuck about Christmas,’ don’t you dare complain about the price of eggs.
now here’s Louisiana Senator Mushmouth McCornpone to breathe his own personal sigh of relief.
“In case no one told you this year—it’s okay to say ‘Merry Christmas!’”
also — in case no one told you this year — Senator Kennedy is a highly-educated Rhodes Scholar who puts on a fake backwoods accent and pretends to be a moron because it plays better to the low-wattage fuckwads who vote for him.
Terminally-Concussed Tommy is ever grateful to Dear Leader for Making Christmas Great Again.
“Thanks to President Trump, Christmas is back in America.”
fact check: thanks to President Biden, Christmas is back in America. here’s how the Bidens decorated the White House this year.
compare that to the lucid nightmare that was the Trump White House Christmas.
you want to talk about a war on Christmas? nothing says war on Christmas more than tarting up the White House to look like an underground bomb shelter in Hell.
it wouldn’t be a proper Christmas without Donny Convict’s annual crazypants Christmas post, where he’ll whine incessantly about every grievance and then end it with MERRY CHRISTMAS. last year’s was a classic.
this year, Lord Emperor Shitticus really outdid himself, posting a two-part, 279-word, lie-ridden rant (undoubtedly ghost-written), in which he reiterates his power-mad desire to invade Canada, Panama and Greenland.
Merry Christmas to all, including to the wonderful soldiers of China, who are lovingly, but illegally, operating the Panama Canal (where we lost 38,000 people in its building 110 years ago), always making certain that the United States puts in Billions of Dollars in “repair” money, but will have absolutely nothing to say about “anything.” Also, to Governor Justin Trudeau of Canada, whose Citizens’ Taxes are far too high, but if Canada was to become our 51st State, their Taxes would be cut by more than 60%, their businesses would immediately double in size, and they would be militarily protected like no other Country anywhere in the World. Likewise, to the people of Greenland, which is needed by the United States for National Security purposes and, who want the U.S. to be there, and we will!
Merry Christmas to the Radical Left Lunatics, who are constantly trying to obstruct our Court System and our Elections, and are always going after the Great Citizens and Patriots of the United States but, in particular, their Political Opponent, ME. They know that their only chance of survival is getting pardons from a man who has absolutely no idea what he is doing. Also, to the 37 most violent criminals, who killed, raped, and plundered like virtually no one before them, but were just given, incredibly, a pardon by Sleepy Joe Biden. I refuse to wish a Merry Christmas to those lucky “souls” but, instead, will say, GO TO HELL! We had the Greatest Election in the History of our Country, a bright light is now shining over the U.S.A. and, in 26 days, we will, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
where do you even start with this off-the-charts batshit lunacy? these are the ravings of a deeply disturbed individual.
no, Chinese soldiers are not operating the Panama Canal. I don’t even know in what fever swamp this hallucination originated. let’s do a little fact checking.
While a subsidiary of Hong Kong-based CK Hutchison Holdings manages two ports at the canal’s entrances, with Chinese firms funding construction of a new bridge over the canal to the tune of over $1 billion, this does not equate to control of the canal’s operations. The Panama Canal Authority, an autonomous government agency, oversees the canal's administration.
I can find no confirmation anywhere that the US contributes “billions of dollars” towards the upkeep of the Panama Canal. this is another fantasy of Donny’s. he’s just making shit up as he goes along.
sorry, Donny, you can’t have the canal back. we sold it. it doesn’t matter if you thought America got a raw deal 47 years ago. it’s gone. it belongs to another country now. that’s how “selling things” works, Mr. I’m The Smartest Businessman Ever.
Jesus, Donny’s really going to try to invade Canada, isn’t he? he imagines that it’s going to be a cakewalk, and that we’ll be greeted as liberators by flower-throwing Canadians, grateful for their new lower taxes. big strong Canucks, tears in their eyes, yadda yadda.
now let’s scroll all the way down to the bottom of the second post. no, Joe Biden didn’t pardon “37 [of the] most violent criminals.” what Biden did was commute their death sentences. they’ll still spend the rest of their lives behind bars, with no chance of parole.
Donny’s just pouting because he won’t get to execute them.
boo fucking hoo.
let’s go out on a high note. please enjoy disgraced sex trafficker Matty Plankhead being hounded all the way to his car by a reporter shouting ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE, MR. GAETZ?
just deserts, bro.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
for the record, Ms. Spouse says the "Chinese soldiers are running the Panama Canal" fantasy originates with Laura Loomer, but a google search fails to confirm that, either
Jeff, it was originally your imaginative use of profanity that attracted me to your Substack but your sense of irony is wonderful. We are gonna need all the humor we can get for at least the next 4 years.