oh, dear! Preznit Fuckwit’s ceasefire is already going fuckity-bye
that was fast.
Donny Convict, it should go without saying, knows more about ceasefires than all the ceasefirers. therefore, it should come as no shock to learn that his ceasefire with Iran is a great ceasefire. it’s a ceasefire like few thought possible. it’s possibly the greatest ceasefire of all time.
it’s — oh fuck.
“as Iran claims Israel is violating the agreement by bombing Hezbollah in Lebanon, and as you mentioned a moment ago, breaking right now, Iranian state media says Iran is closing the Strait of Hormuz again, in response.”
wait, what? the Strait of Hormuz is closed — already?
yup. that shit got shut down, pronto.
“BREAKING NEWS: Iran’s Press TV says that the Strait of Hormuz has been closed.”
wait — I blinked and I missed when it was open. come on, that’s not fair!
“for those of you keeping score at home, the opening of the Strait of Hormuz lasted 0.045 scaramuccis.”
come on, the big strong ceasefirers, the one with tears in their eyes — they didn’t even have a chance to come up Donny and say ‘sir! sir! no one ceasefires like you! how do you do it, sir!’
so what happened?
apparently, what happened is that Donny is a fucking moron who impulsively agreed to a ceasefire without really understanding what the terms were — which is pretty much Donny’s entire business model, to act first and think never.
basically, Iran claims that part of the ceasefire deal is that Israel has to stop blowing shit up in Lebanon. Donny’s all ‘nuh-uh, they don’t have to stop.’
doesn’t that sound like something you’d want to have hashed out before announcing to the world that Donny Deals has won again?
this is why you don’t take a victory lap before you actually have, y’know, a victory.
oh, it gets worse. evidently, the Farsi-language and English-language versions of the 10-point plan don’t match.
However, the Farsi-language version of Iran’s 10-point plan included a key detail that the Associated Press noted was left out of the English versions.
The plan said the country would require “continued Iranian control over the Strait of Hormuz, acceptance of enrichment, lifting of all primary and secondary sanctions.”
For reasons that remain unclear, “acceptance of enrichment” was absent from the English versions shared by Iranian diplomats to journalists.
how do you fuck that up?
you fuck that up because, as always, it’s Amateur Hour in the Donnyverse. there are no experts. no one with experience. there are only toadies, yes-men and sewer clowns whose fucking shoes don’t fit.
this is what happens when your negotiations are handled by the shitwits at Four Seasons Total Ceasefires.
you know, it may have been a mistake to let the Space Nazi’s merry band of pimply DOGE incels run wild and fire every Farsi-speaking Iran expert from the State Department.
About six months before the first U.S.-Israeli attack on Iran, the Trump administration gutted the Bureau of Energy Resources (ENR), an 80-person team within the State Department tasked with leading international energy diplomacy. The cuts were part of the then Elon Musk–led Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) initiative to reduce the federal workforce, with the goal of slashing the federal budget.
how clownfuckingly short-sighted was that?
there’s a reason I refer to DOGE as ‘The Department Of Breaking Shit You Don’t Understand’ — it’s because that’s exactly what they did. these ignorant numbskulls were allowed to fire whoever the fuck they wanted to, without first bothering to learn what anyone’s jobs were.
and now we’re reaping what DOGE has sowed. the Farsi and English versions of Iran’s 10-point plan didn’t match — and no one on the US side noticed.
awesome job. is it time for another victory lap?
oh, and look who else shitcanned all the Iran experts from his little fucked-up fiefdom.
Kash Patel baselessly fired an elite team of agents specializing in foreign threats from the Middle East just days before Donald Trump launched an illegal military campaign in Iran.
and so here we are, flying blind, while Iran eats Donny’s lunch.
it’s eternally embarrassing. no other country on the planet is this incompetent. no other government is saturated with this many morons.
meanwhile, it’s business as usual in Donnyland. Karoline is going continue to lie her lying little face off.
“Iran has agreed to open the Strait of Hormuz.”
those words left Karoline’s lips after the Strait already had been shut back down.
the dunk-tank clown, emotionally stunted, hopelessly incompetent and in way over his head, is going to continue to drunkenly lash out.
reporter: “but they're still firing ballistic missiles!”
Piss-Drunk Pete: “excuse me. why are you so rude? just wait. so nasty.”
oh cool, it’s still open season on women reporters in the White Hosue. nice.
Couchfuck McGee is going to continue to be a complete waste of space.
“the second thing [Iranian Parliament Speaker] Ghalibaf said, which again I found fascinating, is he said ‘we refuse to give up the right to enrichment. and I thought to myself, you know what? my wife has the right to skydive, but she doesn’t jump out of an airplane because she and I have an agreement that she’s not gonna do that, ’cause I don’t want my wife jumping out of an airplane.”
what the what? that doesn’t make one lick of sense. what does one thing have to do with the other? bro, where are you shopping for discourse? at Four Seasons Total Tortured Metaphors?
White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett is going to continue to insist that you ignore what your own eyes are showing you.
“this kind of quick spike in oil prices doesn't lead to inflation.”
counterpoint: shut the fuck up, you smirking buffoon. you’re being paid to lie to us, but no one is paying us to listen.
by the way, how completely hammered is Larry Kudlow in that clip?
and Dear Leader has settled back into his default mode of shouting incoherently.
oh, I see. so Dear Leader is admitting that no ‘REAL AGREEMENT’ has been reached, and he’s still flapping his gums about the ‘lethal prosecution and destruction’ of Iran. one that’s going to be ‘bigger, and better, and stronger than anyone has ever seen before.’ yes, Donny, we get the picture. you’re still a genocidal maniac.
but what’s this bit?
“In the meantime our great Military is Loading Up and Resting, looking forward, actually, to its next Conquest.”
wait, what the fuck does that mean? what ‘next conquest’?
is this fuckface getting horny for Greenland again?
dude. finish losing one war before you start losing the next one, mkay?
so what’s really changed in the last 24 hours? nothing, that’s what.
as always, we have an erratic lunatic with tapioca pudding in his head where a brain should be, being advised by reality-deniers who tell him only what he wants to hear: how great everything is going.
while We the People can only watch in horror as everything goes to shit.
the markets, meanwhile, are basically now the guy from Memento. they can no longer form lasting memories.
while the fragile never-was-a-ceasefire was sputtering out right before everyone’s eyes, the markets were going ape-shit, as if none of what was happening was happening.
WTI, the US crude benchmark, tumbled 16.41% to settle at $94.41 per barrel. Still, crude is well above the $67 per barrel level it settled at on February 27, before the war began.
US stocks closed sharply higher: The Dow soared 1,325 points, or 2.85%, and had its best day in a year. The S&P 500 gained 2.51%, and the tech-heavy Nasdaq Composite surged 2.8%.
I don’t get it. what in the hallowed name of Magical Thinking Jesus do the markets imagine is going to happen? the Strait of Hormuz was open for like ten minutes. how much oil do these dreamers imagine flowed through it during that span?
now for your hero of the day: this Japanese newscaster, explaining to his audience what TACO stands for.
congratulations, Donny — you’re an international laughingstock.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I gotta say, the issue with writing about Iran is that the situation changes from hour to hour. at least half of what I wrote about yesterday morning was no longer applicable by yesterday afternoon. oh well, one can only play the hand one is dealt
Less of a ceasefire and more of a pausefire.
Although I guess he can call it anything he wants since he lives in Confabulation land instead of in reality like the rest of us.