no, you delusional dipshits, Joe Biden didn’t order the FBI to “take out” Donald Trump

another reminder that Republicans have completely broken with reality

Republicans don’t really live in America any more. no, they live in a far-off land called Upisdownistan. it’s a magical place where in is out, black is white, and an 88-count narcoleptic fart factory is God’s Own Avatar On Earth.

Upisdownistan has been buzzing this week with the news that Crooked Joe Biden ordered the DOJ and the FBI to assassinate Little Donny Fuckface — which, by the way, according to Donny’s own ace team of parking garage lawyers, is a perfectly legal thing for any president to do.

this “news” was first reported by some rando on not-twitter.

“Tons of new unsealed filings on classified docs case—I will try to post as much as I can (there goes the workout) but this is mind-blowing. FBI authorized the use of deadly force at Mar-a-Lago.”

bizarre garden slug-screech monkey hybrid Marjorie Three Toes Greene picked up this fever-dream and amplified it to her 3.2 million followers.

“This is grounds for impeachment of Wray and Garland. Trump and team was cooperating the entire time with the FBI. Was deadly force authorized against Biden for his docs? Were they going to shoot SS then Pres Trump, Melania, and Barron too???”

naturally, word of this dastardly assassination attempt got to former president Useless J. Fuckstick, who up until that moment had been fast asleep, marinating a courtroom in his pungent ass gas.

“WOW! I just came out of the Biden Witch Hunt Trial in Manhattan, the “Icebox,” and was shown Reports that Crooked Joe Biden’s DOJ, in their Illegal and UnConstitutional Raid of Mar-a-Lago, AUTHORIZED THE FBI TO USE DEADLY (LETHAL) FORCE. NOW WE KNOW, FOR SURE, THAT JOE BIDEN IS A SERIOUS THREAT TO DEMOCRACY. HE IS MENTALLY UNFIT TO HOLD OFFICE — 25TH AMENDMENT!”

and because the wingnutsphere is a snake eating its own tail, Three Toes then took credit for Donny’s post.

“I made sure that he knew. The Biden DOJ and FBI were planning to assassinate Pres Trump and gave the green light. Does everyone get it yet???!!!! What are Republicans going to do about it? I tried to oust our Speaker who funded Biden’s DOJ AND FBI, but Democrats stopped it.”

of course, this sordid tale of a Biden-ordered hit on Dear Leader was 100% pure unadulterated horse shit.

what the howling bloviators of Upisdownistan were in a lather over was a single line in the Motel-a-Lago search warrant — you know, the one that was issued because Little Donny Fuckface refused to return all the nuclear secrets he stole.

“Law enforcement officers of the Department of Justice may use deadly force when necessary.”

oh my god! it’s really true! Sleepy Brandon’s FBI goons were ordered to take out Dear Leader!

no. fuck no. that line is standard yadda that gets put into every search warrant issued by the DOJ. so in fact — to answer the question posed by Three Toes — deadly force was authorized when the FBI searched Biden’s properties.

Sleepy Brandon is so sleepy that he put a hit out on himself!

the howls of manufactured outrage from the right grew so loud that the FBI had to issue a statement.

“The FBI followed standard protocol in this search as we do for all search warrants, which includes a standard policy statement limiting the use of deadly force,” the agency said in a statement. “No one ordered additional steps to be taken and there was no departure from the norm in this matter.”

but the FBI might as well have shouted this into the wind, because the residents of Upisdownistan weren’t listening. the grudge-babies had the perfect story that fed right into their grievance-filled narrative of see? they’re out to get us — and nobody is more of a victim than Dear Leader.

watch as CNN host Abby Phillip teaches a master class in how to deal with these liars. Florida congressman Byron Donalds went on her show to whine about the “assassination attempt” and Phillip shut him right the fuck down.

Phillip: “just recently, there was this issue of the search warrant for the search of fomer president Trump’s Mar-a-Lago property, and it authorized the use of deadly force for the FBI agents. standard boilerplate language, but you and others have described it as an assassination attempt on the president. that’s just not true. why would you say something like that?”

Donalds: “well, first of all my view of it is very simple. you have the FBI going in to do this raid on Mar-a-Lago. this is not like any other raid that they would do…”

Phillip: “congressman, the language for the search is standard operating procedure for every operation of that kind that the FBI does. they did the same thing when they searched Joe Biden’s house. so how is that weaponizing the DOJ?”

Donalds: [doesn’t answer the question]

Phillip: “congressman, I’m talking about the conspiracy theory that the FBI was trying to assassinate Trump. would you acknowledge that that is not true?”

Donalds: “well let’s talk about what’s fact.”

Phillip: “one simple question: is it true or false that the FBI was trying to assassinate Trump?”

Donalds: [ignores the question, calls Joe Biden a ‘senile old man’]

Phillip: “congressman, I just want you to know that you are that you are not responding to a very simple question about a conspiracy theory that you voiced.”

Donalds: “what conspiracy theory?”

Phillip: “that the FBI, by having on a document that they are authorized to use deadly force, was trying to harm or assassinate former president Trump. that is false. will you acknowledge that?”

thank you, Abby Phillip, for not putting up with Byron Donalds’ bullshit. this is how it’s done. most hosts would have let Donalds spin his lie once or twice and then moved on to another subject, but Phillip kept hammering away at Donalds for four minutes and ultimately made him look like a fool.

of course, the wingnuts’ goal here isn’t just to once again paint themselves as eternal victims. there’s a more insidious plan at work:

Republicans want to normalize political violence, and instill in their unhinged worshipers the idea that they need to fight fire with fire.

“they’re doing it to us? ok, we’re going to do it to them.”

we’ve already seen this scheme begin to bear fruit. this is what happens when you let the lies of shitfucks like Byron Donalds go unchallenged.

Ex-military member charged with crashing into FBI office had online links to QAnon, report says

Ervin Bolling was a supporter of Donald Trump, according to postings uncovered by the group Advance Democracy.

these lunatics are planning to arm themselves to the teeth and fuck shit up at their local polling places.

GOP Candidate Tells Voters To 'Show Up Armed'

A Republican candidate for Michigan state Senate encouraged voters to “show up armed” to protect GOP election observers in comments that were widely condemned and referred to the state’s attorney general’s office for investigation.

“The Second Amendment isn’t there for hunting rights or self-defense. It’s there to protect all of the other constitutional rights,” Mike Detmer said at an event in Livingston County on Saturday. “The right to bear arms tells the government the citizenry is armed.”

this shit’s going to end as shit like this always ends: with innocent people on the wrong end of a bullet — and the trigger-happy fuckfaces responsible will believe that their actions were completely justified.

thank you so very much, Marjorie Taylor Green and Byron Donalds!

Republicans have taken America and smashed it into a million tiny pieces.

---

the Appeal to Heaven flag flying outside Leonard Leo’s Maine home.

hey, guess who else is flying that Christian Nationalist “Appeal to Heaven” flag that Sam MAGAlito flies at his beach house and Holy Mike Johnson has outside his office door.

Leonard Leo flew same controversial flag as Samuel Alito did

The conservative legal activist Leonard Leo hung the same controversial flag outside his home on Mount Desert Island as it was recently reported that Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito flew outside one of his homes, according to a journalist from the investigative news outlet ProPublica.

that’s right, it’s Leonard Leo — the Federalist Society shitbag who hands every incoming Republican president a list of pre-approved extremist judges to appoint.

when god-bothering zealots like Sam Alito and Amy Comey Barrett end up on the Supreme Court, or when the Trumpist judges on the Fifth Circuit uphold every anti-science ruling handed down by mysogynist Matthew Kacsmaryk, it’s not a coincidence that our judiciary is shot through with one horrible judge after another — it’s the hand of Christian Supremacist power broker Leonard Leo at work.