New York Times, ICE Barbie and Ken Paxton: three failures failing

watch them teach a Master Class in fucking up

hey, here’s a super-cool thing The New York Times is doing to defend democracy: jack shit.

don’t look so surprised. the Times never said that defending democracy was their job. in fact, they stated quite the opposite, just about one year ago.

the Times then went out of their way to prove it, by sanewashing the shit out of Donny’s incoherent blitherings about sharks and boats and batteries and Hannibal Lecter wants to have you for dinner. at the same time that was going on, the Times was waging a jihad against Joe Biden, because nepo-publisher Arthur Gregg Sulzberger got his fee-fees hurt when Joe refused to sit for an interview.

and now, six months into the reign of Mad King Donny, the Times continues to fail us.

I have a question for the Times: do words even have meanings any more? check out this journalistic war crime, from the Times’ reporting on yet another judge blocking the Mad King’s attempt to executive order the shit out of the Constitution.

The Trump administration has fought to challenge the longstanding custom that people born in the United States are automatically citizens, regardless of their parents’ immigration status. Judge Laplante’s order ensures a new round of litigation and appeals.

wait, what? birthright citizenship is not a ‘longstanding custom,’ it’s a fucking Constitutional law.

pro tip for The New York Times: using the small fork to eat salad is a longstanding custom. having citizenship because you were born here is a law.

do you know how you can tell the difference? here’s one way: the word ‘salad’ appears nowhere in the Constitution. but you know what does? this:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.

those are the very first words of the 14th Amendment. I cannot believe I have to explain this to The New York Times.

when Donny eventually decides that he can just sharpie the First Amendment out of existence, and starts having reporters disappeared, will the Times just wistfully mourn the passing of that longstanding custom of freedom of the press?

it must be noted that after being soundly mocked for their choice of words, the Times altered that paragraph on their website.

The Trump administration has fought to challenge the longstanding law, laid out in the Constitution, that people born in the United States are automatically citizens, regardless of their parents’ immigration status. Judge Laplante’s order reignites a legal standoff that has been underway since the beginning of President Trump’s second term.

that’s better — but Christ on a crustacean, how do you fuck that up?

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speaking of fuck-ups, oh look: ICE Barbie done fucked up big-time.

hey, remember all that blather from the Sewer Clowns about how they were all about efficiency in government? once again, words apparently no longer have meanings, because check out this exercise in clownfuckery:

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is tightening her grip on her department’s purse strings, ordering that every contract and grant over $100,000 must now cross her desk for approval.

that was from a CNN report from a month ago.

now I hear you asking, hey Uncle Jeff, how does adding an additional layer of bureaucracy result in efficiency?

the answer is that it absolutely doesn’t — and you’ll never guess what happens when you put bureaucracy, incompetence and depraved indifference together in a blender, set it on high, and then throw it down a flight of stairs.

As central Texas towns were submerged in rising waters, FEMA officials realized they couldn’t pre-position Urban Search and Rescue crews from a network of teams stationed regionally across the country.

why couldn’t FEMA pre-stage rescue teams? because doing so cost more than a hundred grand, and so they first had to get ICE Barbie’s permission to spend the money.

But even as Texas rescue crews raced to save lives, FEMA officials realized they needed Noem’s approval before sending those additional assets.

ok, but certainly Noem understood the importance of the situation and rushed to sign those authorizations, right?

fact check: lol.

Noem didn’t authorize FEMA’s deployment of Urban Search and Rescue teams until Monday, more than 72 hours after the flooding began, multiple sources told CNN.

oh come on. seriously? Kristi Noem did fuck-all to help? what was she doing for three days that she was too busy to sign some papers? was she in some undisclosed location, perforating more puppies?

oh wait, here’s one thing Noem was up to while the Texas Hill Country was drowning.

keep focusing on what’s important, Kristi, you’re doing the Lord’s work.

tell me, was there a portrait of Kristi actually doing her job? because that’s the one I would have voted for.

any decent person would have immediately resigned in disgrace, before anyone had a chance to fire her stupid incompetent cosplaying ass. but Kristi didn’t resign. instead, she threw a hissy fit at CNN for blowing the whistle on her.

Noem hasn’t said what took her until Monday, but she did go on Fox and Friends Thursday to call CNN “absolute trash” for their reporting.

the takeaway from all of this is: if you want ICE Barbie to show up on time for something, there have to be photo-ops involved.

otherwise, what’s the point?

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now here’s your mystery of the day.

oh noes, it looks like the marriage between Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton and Texas Senator Angela Paxton is going fuckity-bye.

“Today, after 38 years of marriage, I filed for divorce on biblical grounds. I believe marriage is a sacred covenant and I have earnestly pursued reconciliation. But in light of recent discoveries, I do not believe that it honors God or is loving to myself, my children, or Ken to remain in the marriage. I move forward with complete confidence that God is always working everything together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.”

first of all, how weird is it that people apparently no longer have private lives? here’s Angela Paxton, announcing her divorce on Elon’s Nazi Bar, and no one bats an eye.

but more importantly, what is a ‘divorce on biblical grounds’ — and what did Ken Paxton do, that’s a ‘recent discovery’? that sounds pretty fucking juicy to me. and it sounds like the National Republican Senatorial Committee knows exactly what kind of wicked shit went down, but they’re not saying.

“truly repulsive and disgusting.”

come on, NRSC, throw us a frickin’ bone here.

because look at me, I’m a journalist, I googled ‘what are the biblical grounds for a divorce?’ this is what I got:

the Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15).

let’s cross ‘abandonment’ right off the list, because let’s not kid ourselves, we’re all rooting for ‘sexual immorality’ — because of course we are.

could it be something as simple as an affair? but we’ve known for years that Ken likes to step out — and Angela Paxton said this was something that’s a ‘recent discovery.’

come on, Ken — out with it. what did you do that is ‘truly repulsive and disgusting’?

was it farm animals?

was it furniture?

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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