narcoleptic old dipshit wakes up to stare at pecker

scenes from a trial, Day Five

Apr 23, 2024

sssh! don’t wake up Donny during his trial. he’s in the middle of a dream. it’s a big, beautiful dream. in fact, it may be the greatest dream of all time. it goes something like this:

the real heroes of January 6th — the brave freedom fighters now being unfairly held as hostages — bust out of prison and come to New York, where they stream into the courthouse where that crabby old fuckface Judge Merchan is forcing Donny to listen to mean tweets.

the biggest and strongest of these liberators — really big, really strong men, blinded by the tears of gratitude pooling in their eyes — come up to Trump and say sir! sir! we’re here to take you where you truly belong. they hoist Dear Leader on their shoulders and carry him all the way to Washington DC. they march straight into the White House, where Sleepy Brandon is wandering around in a confused haze.

Trump rears back and punches Sleepy Brandon right in the kisser — pow! take that! — and then strides into the Oval Office to regain his position as God’s Own Emperor Of America For Life.

and then Nancy Haley — or maybe Nikki Pelosi — no! even better: both of them! get sent to prison for a millionty years.

there’s just one problem with this dream: yesterday, outside the courthouse, only three or four protesters showed up.

they were outnumbered by the comedy duo The Good Liars, who came to interview them — by which I mean they were there to mock MAGA to their faces.

also, there’s this little thing called security. welcome to New York, where they don’t fuck around, or take chances. lower Manhattan is now crawling with cops.

the lack of protestors is driving Donny crazy.

Donald J. Trump was evidently not happy with what he saw out the window of his chauffeured S.U.V. as he rode through Lower Manhattan on Monday morning for the beginning of opening arguments in his first criminal trial.
The scene that confronted him as he approached the dingy courthouse at 100 Centre Street was underwhelming. Across the street, at Collect Pond Park, the designated site for protesters during the trial, only a handful of Trump supporters had gathered, and the number would not grow much throughout the morning.

Trump had done his best to rouse the faithful to action. just that morning, he’d taken to his failing app and posted this batshit rant:

Why are Palestinian protesters, and even rioters, allowed to roam the Cities, scream, shout, sit, block traffic, enter buildings, not get permits, and basically do whatever they want including threatening Supreme Court Justices right in front of their homes, and yet people who truly LOVE our Country, and want to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, are not allowed to “Peacefully Protest,” and are rudely and systematically shut down and ushered off to far away “holding areas,” essentially denying them their Constitutional Rights. America Loving Protesters should be allowed to protest at the front steps of Courthouses, all over the Country, just like it is allowed for those who are destroying our Country on the Radical Left, a two tiered system of justice. Free Speech and Assembly has been “CHILLED” for USA SUPPORTERS. GO OUT AND PEACEFULLY PROTEST. RALLY BEHIND MAGA. SAVE OUR COUNTRY! “THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF.”

wait, where’s my tiny violin?

there you go, bro. music, it soothes the savage breast.

seriously, though, the deteriorating old dipshit really did fall asleep at his trial again yesterday.

According to New York Times reporter Susanne Craig who is in the courtroom, “Trump is struggling to stay awake. His eyes were closed for a short period. He was jolted awake when Todd Blanche, his lawyer, nudged him while sliding a note in front of him.”

and he really did wake up to stare at a pecker — David Pecker, the prosecution’s first witness.

“Trump is looking at Pecker as he testifies.”

Pecker will wrap up his testimony today and then there will no further opportunties to make these childish jokes. I promise.

Fox News, by the way, is super incensed that they’re forcing a frail old man to spend all day in a courtroom. no really — Jesse Watters said exactly this, in so many words.

“it’s torture. they’re making a 77 year old man sit inside a dingy room for eight hours straight, four days a week.”

OH MY GOD. EIGHT HOURS, FOUR DAYS A WEEK. it’s fucking inhuman.

I’m loving this line of reasoning, because it’s so insane. the people who create fan art of Donald Trump as a heavily-muscled superhero are the same people who are now insisting that it’s literal torture to make a decrepit old dotard sit in a chair.

make up your minds, dumb-asses.

by the way, I know a guy who sits in a chair, behind a desk, for eight, nine, ten hours a day. he’s there for five, sometimes six or seven day a week. and he never complains about how hard it is. his name is Joe Fucking Biden.

Old Accordion Hands just can’t stop confessing to his crimes. after court adjourned yesterday, he explained to reporters exactly how to commit business fraud.

“this is a case where we pay a lawyer. he’s a lawyer. and they call it a legal expense. that’s the exact term they use. legal expense. in the books. and another thing that wasn’t even said, we never even deducted it as a tax deduction … but they called a payment to a lawyer a legal expense, in the books.”

yes, that’s the crime, idiot. you gave Michael Cohen a pile of cash to give to a woman so she would shut the fuck about the time you pressured her into have sex while your wife was home nursing your newborn son. and then you pretended it was a legal expense. that’s the crime, the ‘calling it a legal expense’ part. ok? it’s a CRIME, you thick-skulled jackass.

oh my god, he really doesn’t get it, does he.

last night, the Trump campaign sent out the following email blast: