Mike Johnson fucking sucks

pick any social justice issue at random — Holy Mike is on the wrong side of it

oh fucking boy, just what we need — another god-mad dipshit who believes he’s been sent by Jesus on a divine mission to turn America into a christofascist theocracy.

after three weeks of complete clownfuckery following the banishment of Feckless Kevin for insufficient fealty to the Maniac Caucus, Republicans finally settled on Mike Johnson to be their new Speaker of the House.

Johnson’s main qualifications for the job were Nobody Knows Who The Fuck He Is and We’re Tired, Let’s Just Get This The Fuck Over With, which, of course, are the exact criteria necessary to hold the third-most-important job in American government.

here’s the thing: Mike Johnson fucking suuuuuuuucks.

if you thought that shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan would have been an absolute shitting nightmare as Speaker of the House, wait until you get a load of Johnson.

Mikey Jo makes Gym seem like a Satan-worshiping commie rat bastard by comparison.

right up top: check out Mike and his pals, immediately following his grasping of the gavel. no, they’re not shooting craps — they’re praying.

what in the name of God’s own fuck is this? the last time I looked, there were only three branches of government — and church was not one of them.

seriously, Mike Johnson really does believe that he was sent by God — and he wants to drag America back to the 18th century.

Mike Johnson, the new Republican speaker of the US House, praised “18th-century values” and told an audience that Americans should live by them when it came to morality and religion.

ah yes, the 1700s, that magical time when white men ruled, women had no rights and black people were property.

pick any social justice issue at random — Holy Mike is on the wrong side of it.

gay rights? fuck no. trans rights? get the fuck out of here. reproductive rights? are you insane?

hey Mike, what about no-fault divorce?

“do you remember in the late ‘60s when they invented things like no-fault divorce laws, we invented the sexual revolution, radical feminism, we invented legalized abortion in 1973, where the state sanctioned the killing of the unborn. wee know that we’re living in a completely amoral society. it’s, people say, ‘how can a young person go into their school and open fire on their classmates?’ because we taught a whole generation, couple generations now, that there is no right and wrong.”

you read that right — no-fault divorce leads directly to school shootings.

Mike tells us that the Bible is his worldview.

“someone asked me today in the media, ‘people are curious, what does Mike Johnson think about any issue?’ I said, ‘well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it. that’s my worldview.’”

oh, that’s just fucking lovely.

so then, we should slaughter anyone who mixes cotton with wool? because that’s what it says the Bible, right in Leviticus 19:19.

what about a few lines later, where it says:

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

because I hate to tell ye this, Mike, but it looks like ye have been definitely marring the corners of thy beard.

or are you one of the sanctimonious shitheads who cherry-picks which of God’s commandments to obey? surely you’re not just interpreting the Bible to fit your own regressive worldview, are you, Mike?

and now this religious fanatic is in charge of which legislation gets brought to the House floor. what could go wrong?

the guy who is two heartbeats away from the presidency literally believes that Fred Flintstone palled around with Dino the Dinosaur. again, what could go wrong?

after all, the NRA fucking loves the guy.

The National Rifle Association is out with a new ad tonight featuring new Speaker of the House Mike Johnson.

In the ad, Johnson says he will block any attempts to impose universal background checks or waiting periods before someone can purchase a firearm. 

and he’s the biggest election-denier this side of Donald Trump.

Back in 2020, Johnson, a Louisiana Republican, had argued Biden's win was bogus because some states officials had changed voting procedures during the coronavirus pandemic without legislatures' approval.

He appeared to pressure 125 House Republicans to join him in filing a brief to the Supreme Court supporting a Texas lawsuit to overturn Biden's wins in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.

and he’s a fucking liar: after making dutiful noises about restoring aid to Ukraine — a promise that helped Johnson get elected to the Speakership — he’s now going back on his word.

Ukraine Aid in Doubt as Johnson Moves to Drop It From Israel Assistance Bill

The newly elected House speaker, who has opposed continued funding for Kyiv, is now insisting on separating it from aid to Israel, leaving its fate uncertain.

remind me again what it says in the Bible about bearing false witness.

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so we’re stuck with this perfect storm of christofascist bullshit — what do we do now?

this: we vote a Democratic majority back into Congress in 2024 — the next Congress will be sworn in on Jan 3, 2025 — so that no fuckery can take place in the House when it comes time to certify the 2024 election.

Allison Gill and MSW Media has partnered with Swing Left to fund challengers to the 18 vulnerable Republicans from districts that Biden won in 2020. it would only take a handful of flipped seats to tip the House.

if you can afford it, please toss them a few dollars.

let’s do this. let’s sent these fuckfaces packing, and let’s consign Holy Mike Johnson to the flaming dumpster of history.