maybe Lindsey Graham is just pining for the fjords

spoiler alert: no, he’s not

“Lindsey Graham is not pining for the fjords. he’s passed on. he has ceased to be. this senator is no more. he’s expired, and gone to meet his maker. he’s a stiff. bereft of life, he rests in peace. if you hadn’t nailed him to his seat, he’d be pushing up daisies. his metabolic processes are now history. he’s off the twig. he’s kicked the bucket. he’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-SENATOR.”

— with apologies to Monty Python

and, just like that, Lindsey Graham showed Mitch McConnell how it’s done.

none of this coy, is-he-or-isn’t-he weeks-long drama. just a chest-clutch keel-over and away we go.

shed not a tear of Old Lindz. he was a shameless shitweasel with no moral center, and will be remembered as a barnacle who attached himself to whomever the fuck happened to be in power.

he was for Joe Biden before he was against him.

“if you can’t admire Joe Biden as a person, you’ve got a problem. he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met in politics. as good a man as God ever created.”

and he was against Preznit Fuckwit before he was for him.

“he’s a race-baiting xenophobic religious bigot. he doesn’t represent my party, he doesn’t represent the values the men and women who wear the uniform are fighting for.”

but everything changed on that fateful day in 2017 when Donny invited Lindsey out for a “friendly” round of golf.

nobody knows what Donny threatened him with that day (oh boy, can we speculate) but immediately, Lindsey became this guy — the snarling pit bull who would growl and snap his jaws at anyone who dared cross Dear Leader.

this was the loyal MAGA foot-soldier who actually told Brett Kavanaugh — the guy who was so blackout drunk all the way through prep school and college that he has no idea how many women he assaulted — ‘you have nothing to apologize for.’

yeah, right.

but then, the second that Donny was no longer in power, Lindsey was perfectly happy to chuck him straight the fuck under the bus.

here’s a story that was a one-and-done and immediately got memory-holed. I have no clue why it got no traction. remember back in 2023, when it seemed a safe bet that Donny would get nailed for election fraud in Georgia?

Fulton County DA Fani Willis convened a grand jury, and one of the people she hauled before it was — lo and behold — Lindsey Graham. and he fucking sung his heart out.

“After fighting a four-month legal battle all the way to the US supreme court to block his grand jury subpoena — and losing … Graham turned on a dime ‘and threw Trump under the bus’,” Michael Isikoff and Daniel Klaidman write in Find Me the Votes: A Hard-Charging Georgia Prosecutor, a Rogue President, and the Plot to Steal an American Election, Politico reported.

holy shit, put Lindsey under oath and the most amazing stuff comes out of his mouth.

According to secret grand jury testimony in Fulton county confirmed by the authors, Graham testified that if you told Trump ‘that Martians came and stole the election, he’d probably believe you’.

absolutely, Donny would have believed you — and he would have have never shut the fuck up about it.

it was so unfair what the Martians did. so unfair. nobody has done more for the Martians than what I did. so unfair.

then there was this gem.

He also suggested to the grand jurors that Trump cheated at golf.

TELL US SOMETHING WE DON’T ALREADY KNOW, LINDSEY.

but here’s the icing on the cake.

“After Graham was finished testifying,” Isikoff and Klaidman write, “he bumped into Fani Willis in a hallway and thanked her for the opportunity to tell his story.

“‘That was so cathartic,’ he told Willis. ‘I feel so much better.’ Then, to the astonishment of one source who witnessed the scene, South Carolina’s senior senator hugged the Fulton county DA who was aggressively pursuing Trump.

I told you — Lindsey Graham was a shameless shitweasel who inevitably attached himself to the nearest person in power. for four years, he was Donny’s unwavering soldier. then, just like that, he turned on him, hugging Fani Willis and thanking her for giving him the opportunity to rat on his former flame.

of course, as soon as Dear Leader wormed his way back into power, here comes good old Lindsey to burrow himself all the way back up Donny’s ass.

and now that Lindsey has gone and done the mortal-coil shuffle, the vultures are circling. oh look, it’s America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector.

“I’ll certainly take a look at it” — Nancy Mace expresses interest in running for Lindsey Graham’s Senate seat

oh, please do, Nance. we could use a laugh right now. we can’t wait for you to come in fifth place in the primary, just like when you tried to run for governor. what a clownfuckingly inept debacle that was.

now here’s a pro-tip for Fox News’ Plankhead of the Airwaves, Sean Hannity: when posting on Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium about how sad you are that your ‘dear friend’ has passed away, try to spell his name correctly.

of course, America’s Vulture-in-Cheif managed to make Lindsey Graham’s death all about himself.

as always, I have questions. did Lindsey always walk around with a ginormous printout of Dear Leader’s wikipedia page? why? what’s the context here? America demands answers.

oh, and Donny claims he could have been the last person to talk to Lindz on the phone.

let’s do a quick fact check.

buh-bye, Lindsey.

you have passed on. you have ceased to be. you’ve expired, and gone to meet your maker. you’re a stiff. bereft of life, you rest in peace. your metabolic processes are now history. you’re off the twig. you’ve kicked the bucket. you’ve shuffled off your mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisible.

and your legacy is going to be this tweet you never deleted.

oh, and this person — Julie Lynn on Threads — wins the entire fucking internet for this post.

“Sure, Mitch McConnell was evil, but don’t forget that Lindsey Graham did everything he did, only backwards and in high heels.”

goddammit, that’s good.

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oh, look. Glitch McConnell, the is-he-a-corpse-or-isn’t-he who disappeared into a hospital a month ago and hasn’t been heard from since, has released a statement: he’s not dead yet. in fact he’s feeling much better.

I shit you not. Mitch’s handlers have ginned up some story about how he was taken to the hospital because he fell down in his house. he also something something something pneumonia. but now, everything’s hunky-dory and Mitch is resting comfortably in a rehabilitation center — but he’s not ready to return to the Senate any time soon.

look, they’ve released a photograph and everything.

I”m sorry, maybe this is real — but it looks fake as shit to me.

this whole cockamamie story raises more questions than it answers. what’s Mitch’s wife Elaine Chao doing there? as far as anyone knew, she’s been in China.

and where exactly is McConnell? we still don’t know.

what about the report that CPR was performed on someone in cardiac arrest in McConnell’s home on the morning he was rushed to the hospital? NBC News has scanner audio of that. how did ‘cardiac arrest’ magically become ‘clumsy Mitch fell again’?

and how is McConnell suddenly younger than he was three months ago?

most important of all, why are all the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press accepting this story verbatim, and not asking any of these questions?

why the fuck is everyone reporting on this as if it were Mitch McConnell himself who released the statement? he didn’t. his handlers did. Mitch didn’t ‘break his silence.’ he didn’t say shit.

* * *

look, I just got off the phone with Lindsey Graham. we chatted for about 20 minutes.

Lindsey talked about how much it fucking sucks to live in a world where we can’t trust anything we’re told. maybe that photo is real. maybe it’s AI. he talked about how much it sucks that no one in a position to ask questions is willing to ask questions.

Lindsey also pointed out that if Mitch is well enough to pose for a photo, he’s well enough to shoot a minute-long ‘proof of life’ video, or pick up a phone and call in live to a cable news program. until he does, we have every reason to remain skeptical.

all I could do was agree.

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yes, it’s time for today’s Daily Claudia.

here’s two from the patio. cocktails at night on April 15, 2024.

and Sunday morning brunch on May 14, 2017.

have a great Monday, everyone. if you get a call from Lindsey Graham, tell him Jeff says hey.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.