MAGA fucks around, MAGA finds out

how sweet it is

Rudolph William Louis Giuliani is a lot of things.

he’s a sweaty, bug-eyed, hair-dye-dripping dumpster fire. he’s a gin-soaked, election-denying gibberish generator who was well-known for showing up to White House meetings piss-drunk.

he’s a credibly-accused predator who is currently on the wrong end of a sexual assault lawsuit. he’s a deadbeat who won’t pay his legal bills. he’s a defamer, who, as punishment for ruining the lives of Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, is in the process of having his wealth liquidated. he’s a criminal defendant, currently awaiting trials for election fuckery in Georgia and Arizona.

he’s a superspreader, famously gassing Jenna Ellis with a barrage of noisy, covid-laced farts.

he’s a laughably incompetent dipshit, unable to tell the difference between a five-star hotel and a landscaping outfit.

but there’s one thing that as of yesterday, Rudy Colludy is not: a lawyer.

boo fucking hoo, Rudy. sucks to be you.

for years, Rudy pranced about as if he were above the law — ignoring court orders, blowing off subpoenas, thumbing his nose at judges — and now it’s all caught up with him. bye-bye, luxury apartments. bye-bye, income. bye-bye, law license. it’s very likely like Rudy will soon be doing his podcast from a cardboard box under a bridge abutment — if not from some Georgia or Arizona prison cell.

fuck around, find out.

---

hey, here’s a heartwarming tale of another evil pantload who fucked around for too long and is now finding out.

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars show is likely to be shut down within a few months, after a federal bankruptcy judge ruled Tuesday that plans to sell off the assets of Jones’ media company, Free Speech Systems, can move forward.

Net proceeds from any sales will go to Sandy Hook families who won some $1.5 billion in damages from Jones for spreading lies that the 2012 school shooting never happened. Some of Jones’ followers harassed and threatened the families for years.

excellent. the liquidation of Infowars couldn’t happen to a more-deserving piece of shit. Jones made the lives of grieving parents a living hell, while scamming millions of dollars from his gullible audience in the process.

you’ve probably seen this clip of a blubbering Jones boo-hoo-hooing over the loss of his empire.

don’t believe one fucking second of it. have you ever seen a less-convincing show of tears? everything is fraudulence and fakery with this guy.

don’t quit your day job, Alex, you’ll never make it as a crisis actor. oh wait, you don’t have a day job any more. sucks to be you.

fuck around, find out.

---

oh look, Grifter McGrifterpants is at it again.

are you the owner of a $60 Trump Bible? did you slap down $99 for one of Donny’s superhero cosplay “digital trading cards”? how about Donny’s $499 gold-spray painted sneakers, did you go for those? are you waiting by the mailbox for your $100 commemorative coins?

if so, oh boy — does Donny have a deal for you.

that’s right: Trump Watches. Donny’s slapped his name on some cheap gold-plated Chinese knock-offs — and you’ll never guess what he’s charging for these beauties.

if you’re some kind RINO cheapskate, you’ll opt for the bottom-of-the-line $499 model — but if you’re a true patriot, get ready to mortgage your double-wide, because you’re going to want the Trump Victory Tourbillion watch. it can be yours for only ONE HUNDRED FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS.

now, I know what you’re asking: who the fuck can afford to waste a hundred grand on a fake-gold watch? I know who can: this guy.

Jared Kushner — Donny’s over-leveraged and under-qualified son-in-law — is drowning in ill-gotten cash.

remember when Bone Saw Arabia — out of the clear blue — just handed two billion dollars to Jared, ostensibly for him to invest on their behalf?

it turns out he’s done fuck-all with that money.

so, on top of the two billion that Bone Saw quote-unquote “invested” with Jared, they’ve now paid him $112 million in “management fees.”

Bone Saw seems weirdly unconcerned that Golden Boy Jared keeps pocketing their cash and returning no profit. maybe $1.2 bil is just the going rate for cartons of stolen classified documents.

the Senate Finance Committee smells a rat, and has opened an investigation.

“Affinity’s investors may not be motivated by commercial considerations but rather the opportunity to funnel foreign government money to members of President Trump’s family, namely Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump,” Mr. Wyden wrote in a letter to Affinity this week, asking two dozen questions.

gee, d’ya think?

Jared’s been fucking around since approximately forever. is it too much to hope for that some day, he at long last finds out?

---

Little Donny Fuckface has a new quote-unquote “fact” that he now repeats every chance he gets.

“when they say that the seas will rise over the next 400 years one-eighth of an inch, which means basically you have a little more beachfront property.”

he trotted it out again yesterday.

“the ocean’s gonna rise a quarter of an inch over the next five-hundred years.”

the numbers keep changing — that’s what happens when you pull your facts out of your ass — but Donny’s message remains the same: what’s to worry about? climate change is a hoax.

hey, Donny — here’s a totally fucking horrific thing that happened on North Carolina’s Outer Banks a couple of days ago.

this was the third house this week to collapse into the Outer Banks surf.

these used to be beachfront houses. now they’re practically in the middle of the ocean. why is this happening?

Along with the winds and waves, sea level rise has also contributed to the erosion. Parts of the barrier islands along North Carolina have retreated more than 200 feet in the last two years, with the National Park Service reporting that some beaches lose about 13 feet a year. 

wait, in just two years the ocean has submerged over 200 feet of land? but Donny told me it would only be a quarter inch, over 400 years — and he knows more about climate science than all the climate scientists.

the former residents of these houses are now shit out of luck. the owners of the still-surviving (for god knows how long) houses now find them uninsurable — but Donny could give a fuck. to him rising sea levels are just a laugh-line in a speech.

know what else sits right on the ocean? Donny’s beloved Florida golf motel. you’d think he’d worry about losing the property he claims is worth billions of dollars. but nah, not Donny — not when there are voters to be conned, and rubes to be fleeced.

hey buddy, you wanna buy a watch?

last night, Hurricane Helene slammed into Florida’s Big Bend area. at Category Four, it was the third-largest recorded hurricane to hit the Gulf Coast. now a tropical storm, it’s wreaking havoc in Georgia. but please, tell me again how climate change is a hoax. it’s such a cool story.

stay safe, Florida. you too, Georgia.