Mad King Donny is freeing us from the oppression of paper straws

make insane obsessions great again

Feb 09, 2025

say what you want about Donny Convict, at least he’s liberating us from the tyranny of paper-based liquid-sucking.

“I will be signing an Executive Order next week ending the ridiculous Biden push for Paper Straws, which don’t work. BACK TO PLASTIC!”

you’re welcome, America.

isn’t it heartwarming to know that — even as unchecked (and mutating) bird flu is driving the price of eggs ever skyward — this is the silly-ass bullshit that Mad King Donny is fixating on? who gives a shit about straws? you promised us cheap eggs, fuck-o.

but this is where Wingnut Grievance Culture has taken us. no bit of quote-unquote wokeness is too insignificant to undo. Sleepy Brandon wanted paper straws? well fuck your paper straws, Donny’s gonna make microplastics building up in your brain great again.

Microplastics—minute fragments of degraded polymers present in air, water, and soil—have been accumulating in the human body for the past half-century. These particles have been detected in various organs, including the liver, kidneys, placenta, and testes.
Now, University of New Mexico Health Sciences researchers have found microplastics in human brains, and at much higher concentrations than in other organs. Worse, the plastic accumulation appears to be growing over time, having increased by 50% over just the past eight years.

Christ on a kazoo, it’s just one fucking horror after another.

why should Donny even care about shit like straws? doesn’t he have bigger fish to fry? there’s a government to dismantle. there are political enemies to persecute, allies to alienate, and despots to suck up to. and then there are those those two million Palestinians who need to be frogmarched out of Gaza so Donny can turn the whole place into a tacky golf motel.

so why straws?

because his brain is broken, that’s why. the family of feral raccoons that live inside Donny’s head never stop chewing through the wires, rendering him unable stay focused on what’s important. he gets caught up in tangential bullshit instead. he’s the micro-manager from hell.

in the 1980s, when Donny’s real estate empire was collapsing all around him, his advisors couldn’t get him to focus on staving off financial ruin. the simpleton was more interested in fondling fabric swatches.

Trump often seemed unengaged by the day-to-day business dealings of his hotels and airline. What did excite him, Leershen writes, were fabric swatches, which he would choose for his hotels’ upholstery needs. “Indeed, flipping through fabric swatches seemed at times to be his main occupation. Some days he would do it for hours, then take me in what he always called his ‘French military helicopter’ to Atlantic City — where he looked at more fabric swatches or sometimes small samples of wood paneling.”

this is the who the producers of The Apprentice plucked from the trash pile and sold to millions of gullible Americans as the savviest businessman who ever lived: a weirdo who gets off on stroking fabric.

look what else the Micro-Manager-in-Chief has put himself in charge of.

“At my direction, we are going to make the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C., GREAT AGAIN. I have decided to immediately terminate multiple individuals from the Board of Trustees, including the Chairman, who do not share our Vision for a Golden Age in Arts and Culture. We will soon announce a new Board, with an amazing Chairman, DONALD J. TRUMP! Just last year, the Kennedy Center featured Drag Shows specifically targeting our youth — THIS WILL STOP. The Kennedy Center is an American Jewel, and must reflect the brightest STARS on its stage from all across our Nation. For the Kennedy Center, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!”

oh, fabulous. the guy who declared let’s make it into a music and spent 45 minutes swaying to some fucked-up playlist is going to install himself as Grand Arbiter of American culture.

wait, did the Kennedy Center actually put on ‘drag shows specifically targeting our youth’? not exactly. last October, the Center hosted a ‘Broadway Drag Brunch.’

for a hundred bucks, you could chow down on some eggs benedict while in the company of drag performers. for this crime, the Kennedy Center must be punished — because if there’s one thing Donny absolutely cannot abide, it’s men dressing up as women.

so now, Donny’s going to personally evaluate artists and performers the same way he did fabric swatches — because he’s a fucking micro-manager who has to leave his freakishly undersized fingerprints on everything.

remember, this is the guy whose idea of high culture is wrestling, and great art is paintings of himself.

so get ready for Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock to finally get the accolades they so richly deserve.

can Donny actually install himself as Chairman of the Kennedy Center via an executive order? no one knows for sure. it’s yet one more court battle to be fought.

hey, you know who else forced their country’s artists to produce only government-approved art? of course you do.

The Reich Chamber of Culture (Reichskulturkammer, abbreviated as RKK) was a government agency in Nazi Germany. It was established by law on 22 September 1933 in the course of the Gleichschaltung process at the instigation of Reich Minister Joseph Goebbels as a professional organization of all German creative artists.
Every artist had to apply for membership on presentation of an Aryan certificate. A rejected inscription de facto resulted in an occupational ban.

but Donny’s going to actually one-up Hitler here. he’s not content to leave the decision-making to some underling — because micro-managers gonna micro-manage.

but enough with the Hitler comparisons for now. you know who else Donny has been reminding us of lately?

this guy.

General Garcia, the autocratic leader of a fictional Central American country from the 1979 film, The In-Laws.

check out the similarities. General Garcia slaps his name on everything.

he loves to award medals.

he has atrocious taste in art.

but mostly, he’s batshit fucking insane.

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on BlueSky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.