elderly golfer shits two beds in one day — a new record!

every time Donny opens his mouth, he digs himself deeper

“let’s make it into a music.”

that was Donny, a few nights back in Pennsylvania, when he decided right in the middle of a town hall that fuck it, campaigning is hard.

let’s make it into a music were his literal incoherent words as he cut short the question-and-answer session and opted instead to sway like an imbecile for 39 audience-confounding minutes.

Donny had two golden opportunities to make it into a music yesterday and not once did he take his own good advice.

he should have.

the first instance of shoulda made it into a music was Donny’s appearance at a Fox News “Town Hall With Women.”

Donny was allegedly there to answer questions posed by the average undecided fetus incubator — except the audience members weren’t undecided incubators. they were diehard cultists. that’s right, Fox News rigged the fuck out of the town hall — and didn’t tell anyone.

But Fox News did not disclose that the female audience it selected for the event was packed with local Republican supporters.

in fact, the scales were tipped so hard in favor of Donny that Fox had to edit out much of the over-the-top effusive praise of Dear Leader.

the network edited its broadcast to remove some of their vocal advocacy of Trump.

Fox News must think we’re all as easily hoodwinked as Donny’s gullible worshipers.

“The hackwork is unbelievably obvious, you’ve got attendees asking questions while wearing Trump merch and talking about how they support him.”

but Donny was such a bedshitting disaster that even a heavily-edited appearance before an worshipful audience had numerous moments of complete what the fuck.

Alexa, show me what an idiot sounds like.

“I’m the father of IVF.”

spoiler alert: no, Donny isn’t. trust me, the brainiac who believes that windmills cause noise cancer did not develop the science of “fertilizing an egg with sperm outside of the body and then implanting the resulting embryo into a uterus.”

that explanation of IVF, by the way, was generated by Google’s AI. that’s right, even software best known for generating images of six-fingered abominations understands science better than Mr. Why Can’t We Just Nuke The Hurricane.

fact check: Donny is the father of five children (that we know of) borne of three women (that we know of).

hey, know what else Donny is the father of? the shitcanning of Roe, that’s what.

questioner: “facing the issue of abortion, women are entitled to do what they want to, and need to do with their bodies, including their unborn. that’s on them, regardless of the circumstance. some are necessary to save their own lives. why is the government involved in women’s basic rights?”

Donny: “I think it’s great that you asked that. for 52 years, this issue has torn our country apart. every legal scholar — the great ones — every lawyer, the Democrats, the Republicans, the liberals, they wanted it brought out of the federal government and brought back to the states for a vote of the people … what we were able to do through really the courage of six Supreme Court Justices, we were able to do this after years and years of turmoil.”

bzzt! wrong answer.

the correct answer is let’s make it into a music.

it’s important to note that the woman asking the question is a Republican. no sane woman — R or D — wants to bleed out in a emergency room, alone and ignored, refused basic healthcare because terrified doctors have no desire to go to prison. she rightfully asks Donny why are you doing this? — and Donny gives his standard canned answer, which is to claim without basis that “everybody” wanted Roe gone, and only he had the gumption to actually do it.

reproductive rights is a losing issue for Republicans, and Donny’s head is so far up his own ass that he can’t see this.

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the second bedshit of the day was Donny’s appearance at a Univision town hall, before an audience of Latino voters.

watch what happens when a town hall isn’t rigged. the audience was definitely not on Donny’s side.

this dude fucking unloaded on Donny.

Ramiro González “I am a Republican, no longer registered. I want to give you the opportunity to try to win back my vote. your action, and maybe inaction, during your presidency, and the last few years, was a little disturbing to me. what happened during January 6th and the fact that you waited so long to take action while your supporters were attacking the Capitol. I thought the public was misled during coronavirus and that many more lives could have been saved if we would have been informed better. and also people in your administration who don’t support you. I’m curious how people so close to you and your administration no longer support you, so why would I want to support you? if you would answer these questions for me, I would really appreciate it. your own vice president doesn’t want to support you now.”

Donny: “the vice president, I disagree with him, what he did. very importantly, you had hundreds of thousands of people come to Washington. they didn’t come because of me. they came because of the election. they thought the election was a rigged election, and that’s why they came.”

oh fuck straight off, you gaslighting asshole. the insurrectionists came because you told them to come. remember “will be wild”? we haven’t forgotten. Ramiro González hasn’t forgotten.

take a look at the audience’s reaction as Donny drones on about what a great day Jan 6 was, and how unfairly Ashlii Babbitt was treated.

oh Donny, you have fucking lost these voters — if you ever had them in the first place.

wait, let’s gif the shit out of that clip. I’m sure it will come in handy.

here’s Jorge Velázquez, an immigrant from Mexico, asking the hard question that no actual journalist has bothered to pose: who’s going to pick the crops, after you deport us all?

Velázquez (via an interpreter): “I’ve worked with these hands, hunched over, picking strawberries and cutting broccoli all of my life. this tough labor is mainly done by undocumented people. if you deport these people, who would do that labor and what price would we pay for food?”

Donny gives a long, rambling non-answer full of lies and self-praise — but Donny also includes this stunning line: “we have a lot of people coming into our country, we just want to have them coming in legally.”

again with the gaslighting, because nothing could be further from the truth. Donny doesn’t want any non-European coming into America.

at hate-rally after hate-rally, Donny practically wets himself with glee as he promises to deport legal immigrants.

but wait, it gets worse. Donny doesn’t just want to deport legal immigrants — he wants to strip citizens of their citizenship and deport them, too.

“remigration” is a word invented by neo-Nazis.

The word stands in for a policy that entails the forced repatriation or mass expulsion of non–ethnically European immigrants and their descendants, regardless of citizenship. With little fanfare, Trump seems to be hinting at bringing an even more radical idea into his immigration proposals (to Miller’s all-capped cheers) that goes further than the mass deportation of the undocumented population.

and you better believe that the fuckfaces behind Project 2025 are already working on a way to make remigration a reality.

once again, the correct answer to Jorge Velázquez’s question was let’s make it into a music.

every time Donny Convict opens his demented mouth, he digs himself deeper.

just shut the fuck up and keep dancing, asshole.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.