let’s watch in horror as Kristi Noem drags reality to a gravel pit, and—

trigger warning!

imagine that you’re the head of the government agency in charge of responding to emergencies. now imagine that the very first time you’re tasked with handling a fast-moving crisis, you fuck everything all to hell — because you’re a cosplaying ninny more concerned with the flawless cascading of your hair extensions than with the flawless execution of plans.

now imagine going on the Sunday shows and bragging about what an amazing job you did. imagine staring straight into the camera while spinning bullshit fairy tales about how no one could have done better.

if you’re Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, you don’t have to imagine any of that shit, because you’re living the dream.

“these emergencies need to be conducted exactly how President Trump handled this one. it was that the local responders are the ones who execute the response, the state comes in and manages it, and then the federal government comes in an supports it, and as soon as Texas asked for anything, we were there … this response was by far the best we’ve seen out of FEMA.”

fact check: where’s Cricket?

as with All Things Sewer Clown, the more we learn about FEMA’s botched response to the Texas floods, the more horrific it gets.

here’s the latest atrocity to come to light:

On July 5, as floodwaters were starting to recede, FEMA received 3,027 calls from disaster survivors and answered 3,018, or roughly 99.7 percent, the documents show. Contractors with four call center companies answered the vast majority of the calls.

That evening, however, Noem did not renew the contracts with the four companies, and hundreds of contractors were fired, according to the documents and the person briefed on the matter.

The next day, July 6, FEMA received 2,363 calls and answered 846, or roughly 35.8 percent, according to the documents. And on Monday, July 7, the agency fielded 16,419 calls and answered 2,613, or around 15.9 percent, the documents show.

got that? ICE Barbie gravel-pitted the contractors right in the middle of the fucking emergency.

what kind of ghoul does that? the puppy-perforating kind, I guess. I hope the residents of the Hill Country at least got some nice music to listen to while they were on hold.

wait, it gets worse. Kristi fired those contractors mid-emergency because she had no money to pay them — because she blew FEMA’s entire budget on deporting children with cancer to who the fuck cares, just get them out of Tom Homan’s sight.

one reason Noem has been cutting so ferociously at FEMA is because she has run through the money Congress allocated for HHS with her single-minded focus on immigration.

oh look! a whole week after the flooding, the director of FEMA finally put in an appearance in Texas, and — well, let’s just thousand-words the scene with one picture.

Mr. Dress-For-Success here is David Richardson — the very same honcho who, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, was all ‘hurri-what now?’

so this is the treatment that Texas got — and that we’re all going to get, if Donny and Kristi get their way —

• the Weather Service predicted the floods, but due to firings there was no one around to alert the public.

• Kerr County couldn’t sound warning sirens because the MAGA morons who live there refused the money Joe Biden gave them to buy sirens, because fuck Joe Biden.

• FEMA contractors didn’t arrive on the scene for three days, because that’s how long it took Noem to approve the funding.

• there was no one to answer the phone at FEMA because Kristi fired them all after she spent all the money to pay them on deportations.

• and when the director of FEMA finally shows up a week late, he looks like he spent that week partying with Steve Bannon in the dumpster behind the White House.

this is what ICE Barbie calls “by far the best we’ve seen out of FEMA.”

you’re welcome, Texas.

let’s circle back to the residents of Kerr County. here’s a thing one of them actually said, about the money the Biden administration wanted to give them to spend on warning sirens.

“I’m here to ask this court today to send this money back to the Biden administration, which I consider to be the most criminal treasonous communist government ever to hold the White House,” one resident told commissioners in April 2022, fearing strings were attached to the money.

that’s right, the dipshits of Kerr county refused help because they were afraid that if they accepted funding, Joe Biden would force them to gay-marry each other, or worse.

keep that paragraph in mind as the biggest super-genius in the universe solves the issue of flood warnings.

“maybe they should’ve had bells or something go off.”

gee, Preznit Fuckwit, ya think?

thanks, you useless pantload, you’re a ginormous help.

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let’s check out what White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett has been up to.

hey Kevarino, should we be concerned that the Mad King has been throwing darts at his Tariff Dartboard again?

“the thing about President Trump, if you go back and look at his history, that he become one of the most successful if not the most successful businessmen of the twentieth century, because he was able to squeeze everything out of every deal that he made. and right now, we’ve got that guy, who wrote the Art of the Deal, making deals for the American people. and we’ve got to see where the dust settles. the bottom line is he’s seen some sketches of deals.”

fact check:

one what planet is Donny the most successful businessmen of the twentieth century? I’d love to visit there, because here on Earth, Dear Leader is a serial fuck-up who literally couldn’t sell water in the middle of a desert.

and what’s all this about Donny has sketches of deals? what the fuck kind of shit-spinning is that?

first Dear Leader told us he had concepts of a plan, and now we’re hearing about sketches of deals. apparently Donny is now some kind of Artist-Philosopher King. he’s Toulouse Fucking Lautrec, hanging out in the cafes of Paris and sketching deals.

remember when we were assured that the Mad King was going to make 90 deals in 90 days? well, 90 days have come and gone, and has anyone seen one deal? has anyone even seen a sketch of a deal?

do we have to go to the Louvre to see these sketches?

and could someone please get Kevin an office already?

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and now it’s time to play a round of Easy Questions, Easy Answers.

fuck no.

next question?

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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