let's check in on Donald Trump's deepening legal hell

tick fucking tock, asshole

the news has been pretty crappy lately and we’ve been far too distracted by it all to pay much attention to the once-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing insurrection-leading serial-sexual-predating real-estate-scamming classified-document-thieving tax-cheating charity-defrauding money-laundering radioactive tangerine fuckface holed up in his shitty Florida golf motel. but things have been slowly getting worse for Donald Trump, so why don’t we cheer ourselves up and take a look at recent developments in his mounting legal issues.

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— the E. Jean Carroll rape trial

hey, remember last week when Trump had a twenty-megaton shit-fit on his golf course in Ireland and screamed and shouted about how he was rushing back to New York to “confront that woman” at the rape trial that he had up to that point been too chickenshit to attend?

well, I don’t want to shock you or anything, but … Trump lied.

after Trump’s Friday golf course tantrum, the judge in the case gave Trump until 5pm Sunday to submit in writing his plan to appear.

and uhhh again, I don’t want shock you, but … Trump blew it off.

the trial will go to jury this week — perhaps as early as today.

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— Georgia election interference

about two weeks ago I wrote that we’d likely have an indictment by now. in this case I’m overjoyed to have been wrong, because thing have gotten so much worse for Trump (and Giuliani and Eastman). eight of the fake electors in this case have agreed to an immunity deal. long story short: the grand jury has been extended and the fake electors are now ratting out everybody. they’re ratting out each other, they’re ratting out the ringleaders and they’re ratting out Donald Trump.

District Attorney Fani Willis says that charging decisions will now be made between July 11 and September 1.

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— Mar-a-Lago surveillance footage

Jack Smith, the guy who convicts war criminals, is not fucking around. last week, we learned that he’s taking a closer look at the Mar-a-Lago surveillance videos that show boxes of classified documents being moved around after Trump had sworn that all material had been returned. dozens of Mar-a-Lago employees have been subpoenaed to testify. here’s the beauty part: it appears that the surveillance videos have been edited. there are unexplained gaps in the tapes.

can you say “obstruction of justice”?

Smith has even subpoenaed the software company that handles all of the surveillance footage for the Trump Organization.

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— Trump money trail leads to Saudi golf tour

here’s another sign that Jack Smith isn’t fucking around. he’s subpoenaed the Trump Organization for documents relating to the Saudi-backed LIV golf tour.

details are sketchy but here’s a handy rule of thumb: think of everything Trump does, particularly with foreign nationals, as an opportunity to launder money. Jack Smith has been following the trail of money raised to quote-unquote “fight election fraud” after the 2020 election and it should surprise no one that the trail leads right to Bone Saw Arabia.

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and that’s just the news from last week.

still playing in the background are multiple other active investigations, and then there are Alvin Bragg’s and Letitia James’s lawsuits in New York.

now, I can already hear the more cynical of you out there: “Uncle Jeff, Donald Trump is going to get away with it. Donald Trump always gets away with it.”

and yes, I know, Trump always has gotten away with it. I share your frustration. it’s fucking maddening. he always somehow has managed to dance between the raindrops.

but things are different now.

look: he’s been indicted. he’s on trial for rape. those are pretty big fucking deals.

things are happening. there’s too much going on for something not to stick.

you can’t dance between the raindrops in the middle of a shitstorm.