Kamala picked Tim Walz and every Republican lost their shit

pour one out for these lost and terrified crybabies

Republicans have a real problem right now.

in picking Tim Walz to be her veep, Kamala has chosen the one of the most likable guys on the planet.

he’s friendly. he’s warm and funny. he’s helpful. he cares. Tim Walz is basically what would happen if Mister Rogers became governor of a large midwestern state.

he’s a hunter. a fisherman. he was a National Guardsman for 24 years. he has a dog and a cat. he was a high school teacher, and a championship-winning football coach. he likes to hang out at state fairs.

above all, Tim Walz is a mensch.

look at this guy. not only can he do his own car repairs, he can shame a corporation for shoddy practices at the same time.

“hey everybody, Tim here. eleven days to the election, but it’s my pro tip of the day on the road. I gotta show ya this — this right here is the headlight harness on a 2014 Ford Edge. Ford, this is unacceptable. it burned out hot on the connector. so for $7.99 at Napa Auto Parts here in the city, you can replace this. just clip off the back, use some shrink-wrap connectors on there, tape it back together and put it back in. it’s about a five-minute fix and you’re back on the road, safe and sound. pro tip of the day, second one is get out and vote for one Minnesota and let’s take this state in the direction it needs to go. go vote.”

Tim Walz is not coming for your guns.

Tim Walz would rather feed children than allow them to be used for target practice.

here’s Tim with his daughter Hope at the Minnesota Stare Fair.

now here’s a very cool thing. should Tim Walz be elected vice president, Peggy Flanagan, Minnesota’s current lieutenant governor, will become that state’s first female — and first Native American — governor.

this is Peggy. (stop scrolling now, conservatives — her shirt is going to make you cry.)

now let’s check in on the crazies, and see how they’re coping.

but before we do — can President Kamala make Pete Buttigieg the Secretary for Explaining Everything? because he’s so fucking good at it.

“of course they’re going to say he’s too far left. they say that about literally any Democrat running against literally any Republican. if it was Joe Manchin, they’d be saying the same thing because it’s all they know how to say.”

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oh look, they let Nosferatu McGoebbels out of his coffin.

listen to his high-pitched shrieking. is he speaking English, or is he helping bats to echolocate?

“the man is a moron, he is an incompetent, he is a radical, and he is going to turn the entire midwest into a third world state. this is a disaster for America.”

“he is the biggest booster in the whole country for unlimited refugee resettlement. that means under that Harris-Walz plan, they’re going to turn the entire midwest into Mogadishu.”

what? Mogadishu? where did Bat Boy get that one from? you know he was going for alliteration, and went through all the place names beginning with M he could think of.

turn the midwest into … Manila? no. into … Madagascar? no. into — INTO MOGADISHU!

brilliant work, Nosferatu. no notes.

hey, want to see Jim Jordan get humiliated?

look at this dipshittery.

here’s why they’re calling him Tampon Tim:

As part of their effort to portray Tim Walz, the new Democratic vice-presidential candidate, as a far-left liberal, the Trump campaign attacked the Minnesota governor on Tuesday for signing a bill last year that provides access to menstrual products for transgender students.

free menstrual products in all school bathrooms — the horror! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!

Chris Rufo is one bizarre dude.

here’s some rando who thinks way too much about weird shit like ‘cuckold vibes.’

the wingnutsphere flailed like this for a while, throwing everything at the wall — but then coalesced behind a single message: Kamala picked Tim Walz because sHe HaTeS tHe JeWs!!!!!

the party of Nazis and white supremacists seem very upset right now.

imagine getting fact-checked in real-time by Chuck Schumer.

pro-tip: if the Pitchbot is also fact-checking you, your entire party has definitely gone off the rails.

but leave it to Mike ‘the Pillow Man’ Lindell to have the most batshit fucking crazy angle on the whole Tim Walz story.

“And I was gonna run for governor of Minnesota after the 2020 election,” he revealed. “But Walt feared that and he put out a hit job on me throughout the state, sent postcards out everywhere.”

is that that how putting a hit on someone works? by sending out postcards? is the idea that a contract killer might receive one by chance?

it’s hard to believe that this lunatic ran a multi-million dollar company straight into the ground.

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now let’s have a rundown of all the people who need to fuck off.

Jonathan Chait can fuck straight off.

yes, Jon, Kamala understands the assignment: it’s to do exactly the opposite of whatever worhtless “centrist” advice you dole out.

Kevin McCarthy can fuck off.

I’m pretty sure that Bernie Sanders is the Bernie Sanders of Congress, but whatever, Kev. you do you.

Chris Cillizza can fuck way off.

why? what’s weird about Tim Walz? I just wrote a thousand words explaining why Tim Walz is the most normal person in the galaxy. I guarantee you that Chris has been sitting on this line for a week, and was going to use it no matter who Kamala picked. that’s how being a hack works.

the New York Times can fuck ALL the way off.

the Times can’t let a day go by without pissing in the cornflakes.

in fact, the New York Times can fuck all the way off until it enters a state of permanent fuckoffittude.

pray tell, New York Times, why does Kamala need to “redefine” herself? she’s massively popular within the Democratic Party right now. can the media please stop obsessing about this mythical “center”?

how come the media never lectures Republicans about the need to embrace the center?

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hey, I wonder how Donny’s doing — oh shit, he’s spiraling

“What are the chances that Crooked Joe Biden, the WORST President in the history of the U.S., whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him by Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left, CRASHES the Democrat National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination, beginning with challenging me to another DEBATE. He feels that he made a historically tragic mistake by handing over the U.S. Presidency, a COUP, to the people in the World he most hates, and he wants it back, NOW!!!”

if it’s possible to crap two diapers at once, Donny just did it. he is actually calling for Biden to re-enter the race. Donny is so panicked right now, he has no idea what do to. he just wants to make it stop. can we please just rewind the last month and go back to when the press was hounding Sleepy Brandon? that was so much more fun.

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Republicans are fucking terrified right now. they should be.

our candidate is young, energetic, smart, and can speak in complete sentences — and her veep is your favorite uncle who taught you how to fish.

their candidate is a quadrice-indicted twice-impeached once-convicted popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing insurrection-leading ear-diapering testimony-ducking judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering day-one-dictatoring disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering rube-fleecing clown-makeup-smearing language-mangling sneaker-hawking serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating weather-map-defacing horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging race-baiting tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering diaper-filling 88-count 78-year-old fluorescent tangerine felony factory — and his veep is a misogynistic weirdo you wouldn’t leave alone with your cat — or your couch.