Kamala lives rent-free inside elderly golfer’s head

Donald Trump can’t stop obsessing about Kamala

in 2016, Hillary Clinton famously said, “a man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

it was true then, and it’s even truer now — because Donny Convict is the most easily-triggered snowflake in the history of snowflakes.

it’s been nineteen days since Kamala needled Donny with yo bro, people leave your rallies in droves because you’re a fucking bore. that taunt pierced Donny’s gossamer-thin skin like an arrow, causing him to completely lose his shit and start braying about THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS on live tv.

almost three weeks later, Kamala’s mockery is still eating away at Donny. here he is last Friday, doing the worst Jedi mind trick ever, trying to convince his worshipers that those people who are leaving aren’t really leaving.

“I want to explain something. the people that you see leaving — because nobody ever leaves. and when they do, I finish up quick, believe me. but I couldn’t take pictures at the beginning. so I take them at the end, sometimes if I’m late, the plane gets late, you get delayed. things happen. there’s a little hurricane going on in Florida as you know, and so what they do is they say ‘oh please come up now at the end of my speech. I said ‘don’t do that.’ ’cause it looks like they’re leaving, like your husband who owns this place.”

huh? waiter, I didn’t order word salad, what is this rancid shit?

what con-job is Donny trying to pull here, that the people who are walking out the door aren’t really walking out the door, they’re actually coming up to the stage to take pictures?

by the way, what’s up with the ivermectin ad that’s playing alongside Donny’s speech? is ivermectin still a thing? are the cultists still stocking up on this drek in case they come down with a bad case of horse parasites?

these people bitch and moan endlessly about the price of eggs in Kamala Harris’s hellish dystopia, but somehow they have endless piles of cash to waste on horse paste and spray-painted gold sneakers.

anyway, spoiler alert: oh yes, people were streaming out of Donny’s rally — in droves.

another bug that’s been buzzing up Donny’s ass is the fact that Kamala once worked at a McDonald’s. here’s Donny last Thursday, speaking from his gold-plated New York tower.

“these people are a fraud. just like nobody talks about it, Kamala never had a job at McDonald’s. her resume talks about McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s. ‘I worked at the french fry counter, it was so tough, so hot.’ she didn’t work there, she never worked at McDonald’s, it’s a lie.”

of all the weird fucking shit to obsess over — and Donny can’t even get the whole manufactured scandal right. what has the MAGAverse in an uproar is that McDonald’s isn’t on Kamala’s resume — because of course you’d put a fast food gig on your resume when applying for an assistant district attorney job.

here’s a thing Donny said at a recent hate-rally:

“I think I’m gonna go to a McDonald’s next week, some place. I’m gonna go to a McDonald’s, and I’m going to work the french fry job for about a half an hour. I want to see how it is.”

sure, Donny. I’d pay good money to watch Donny try to spend half an hour getting spattered with hot grease. the dilapidated old fuck wouldn’t last ten seconds.

hey, speaking of faking one’s resume, have you heard about this dude in Virginia who faked his whole family?

meet Derrick Anderson, a Republican running for Congress in Virginia’s seventh district, posing with his wife and daughters.

oh no, wait, those aren’t Derrick’s wife and daughters — that’s someone else’s family, and Derrick just borrowed them to use in campaign ads.

as always, I have questions. how the fuck did that play out? Derrick phoned up some golf buddy and was all ‘yo bro, can I borrow your family?’ — and the dude was down with it? so, how did that dinner table conversation go? ‘hey honey, remember Derrick from the club? can you and the kids pretend to be his family? it’ll be fun.’

and Debby or Donna or whatever her name is said oh yeah sure, absolutely? and the kids played right along? did not one of them say what the fuck? no fucking way.

did they not think they’d get caught? is every Republican a sociopath?

A spokesman for Mr. Anderson criticized The New York Times’s decision to focus on the footage and said that “Derrick’s opponent and every other candidate in America are in similar pictures and video with supporters of all kinds.” The spokesman said the video simply showed Mr. Anderson “with female supporters and their kids.”

got that? Derrick’s not the weirdo for borrowing a family — you’re the weirdo for questioning it.

which reminds me, what ever happened to Matt Gaetz’s fake son Nestor? or Tim Scott’s fake wife Mindy? or Holy Mike Johnson’s fake son Michael?

but sure, let’s turn over every stone to get to the bottom of this whole Kamala never worked at McDonald’s thing. let’s waste everyone’s time endlessly parsing whether Tim Walz’s left the National Guard as a command sergeant major or master sergeant — because that’s really fucking vital to our nation’s security. but let’s give a free pass to Derrick Anderson and his imaginary family, because you gotta problem with that?

hey, you’ll never guess who else likes to fake his resume.

“so pretty much as we’ve been saying, what I want to do is I want to be able to— look, your business— years ago, in this area, I was honored as the Man of the Year. it was maybe twenty years ago. oh, and the fake news heard about it, they said it never happened. and I didn’t know who it was, it was a group that honored me as Man of the Year. the fakers back there, see the fake news. but they said, oh they look— and they said it never happened but I say to you I swear it happened, I was Man of the Year. and I came and I made a speech an I said “why do you allow them to take your car business away? why do you allow it to happen? they’re taking your business away, and I didn’t know too much about— all I know is they were taking your car industry away from you. they said it never happened. lo and behold, somebody said ‘I remember the the event’ and then we found out or we had everything, we had the awards, we had everything. it did happen! but I gave a speech which at the time was pretty controversial.”

that was Donny at a recent town hall, utterly failing to answer the question he’d been asked, ‘what actions will you take to ensure that our jobs stay in America?’

instead, the befuddled old demento spends a full minute rhapsodizing about an award that not only did he never win, but never existed. there is no Michigan Man of the Year award, but that hasn’t stopped Donny from spewing this hallucination every chance he gets — sometimes calling it the Michigan Republican of the Year award.

so, Donny — what was that you were saying about Kamala and McDonald’s? once again, every accusation turns out to be a confession.

now check out Donny last night in Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin, blithering his face off.

“disgusting illegal alien, who was let into the United States by Kamala and her— lax law, she, they, they, every one of my killer, we had the great— she woulda, he woulda never been able to get in. she stopped every single one of them.”

she did what? he did what? they did what? “every one of my killer”? “she stopped them”? Donny, are you even speaking English?

come on grandpa, let’s get you to bed. you’re sundowning again.

so, did the press sanewash the shit out of that Donny’s incoherent drivel? do you really have to ask?

got that? Donny didn’t shit the bed — he “sharpened his criticism.”

hey, here’s some more ahem criticism sharpening.

“Joe Biden became mentally impaired. Kamala was born that way.”

accusations, confessions — how do they work?

I haven’t even a fucking clue what to make of this.

“they have a phone app so that people can come into our country — these are smart immigrants I guess, because most people don’t have any idea what the hell a phone app is.”

I’m sorry, what? did Donny just actually claim that most people don’t know what an app is?

here’s more proof that Donny spends way too much time obsessing about Kamala.

Donald Trump on Friday called for Google to be criminally prosecuted for what the Republican presidential nominee called the company’s bias toward his election opponent, Vice President Kamala Harris, in online search results.

Trump in a social media post wrote that if the Department of Justice does not prosecute Google “for this blatant interference of Elections” he would request its prosecution “when I win the election and become President of the United States!”

lovely. this broken-inside narcissist probably spends hours a day googling himself, and then Kamala, melts down into a puddle of rage because he doesn’t like what he sees, and screams rigged! rigged! — and now he wants to prosecute everyone in sight, because spite and revenge is all he’s got left.

how mature. to paraphrase the email lady, “a man you can bait with search engine results is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

and how awesome is it that after years of refusing to rent any of his apartments to black people, Kamala Harris now lives rent-free inside Donny Convict’s big dumb pumpkin head?