Judge Chutkan gets back to work

she’s not screwing around

Tanya Chutkan — the judge presiding over the Big Trump DC Election Interference Fuckery Trial — is baaaaack, baby.

Donny’s DC trial had been on hold since forever while the six bought-and-paid-for Federalist Society SCOTUS hacks farted around and took their sweet time pretending to figure out how to rule on this whole are presidents actually kings? thing — as if the corrupt outcome was ever in doubt.

of course, they finally declared that Donny is A Very Special Boy Who Gets To Commit All The Presidential Crimes He Wants — and then dumped the whole thing back in Judge Chutkan’s lap and said here, someone needs to decide if trying to overturn an election is a Special Presidential Not-Crime, or an Ordinary Person Crime-Crime. that someone is you, so figure it the fuck out.

on Friday afternoon, Judge Chutkan received the ok to start the figure it the fuck out process, and she did not waste a moment.

first thing Saturday morning, she took up the motion Donny had filed about how I have presidential immunity to do all the crimes I want and therefore there should be no trial.

yeah, no, piss straight up a rope, Judge Chutkan ruled.

Judge Chutkan DENIES without prejudice Trump’s Motion to Dismiss the Indictment. She advises that he can refile a renewed motion once the immunity issues have been resolved.

next, she set up a hearing schedule.

She also directed the parties to file a joint status report by August 9, not even a week away, and she set a scheduling conference for the following week on August 16 at 10 a.m

lastly, she took up Donny’s motion that Jack Smith is mean and has a stupid beard and he hates me and this whole trial should be dismissed because it’s so unfair.

Judge Chutkan basically told Donny to eat an entire bag of dicks, no way she was doing any of that shit.

NEW: Judge Chutkan rejects Trump’s motion to dismiss his criminal charges in DC based on vindictive and selective prosecution.

all that in one morning.

this is what justice looks like when the presiding judge isn’t buying into any of this Donny is a Very Special Boy nonsense — and Tanya Chutkan is not fucking around.

contrast that to the miscarriage of jurisprudence that went on down in Florida, as Judge Fangirl dragged her heels for over a year before ultimately dismissing the Big Trump Stolen Classified Document Trial on the grounds that — yup, you guessed it — Jack Smith is mean and has a stupid beard and never should have been hired in the first place.

no, there won’t be a criminal trial before November, but there will be a lot of Donny’s dirty laundry aired during these hearings — right in the thick of election season.

here’s a fun bit of collateral damage for Donny Convict: he’s had it easy for a couple of months, but now he’s got to go back to shelling out millions to his ace team of parking garage lawyers, so they can file all of their inane motions and represent him in Judge Chutkan’s court.

and of course, all this money will be coming straight from the Republican Party coffers — that’s the whole reason Donny put Lara Trump in charge of this big grift in the first place. so instead of campaign donations going to, y’know, down-ballot candidates, they’ll instead be used to pay for the upkeep on Alina Habba’s brand new kidneys.

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I have an idea for a TV show. it’s called Sundowning Grandpa Schitzenpantz Explains It.

basically it’s just Donny being asked how stuff works, and then we all sit back and laugh at the clownfuckery that ensues.

hey Donny, how do search engines work?

“Google, nobody called from Google. one of the things like doing a show like yours, your show, you know, you see it on Fox, but when you really see it is all over the place, they take clips of your show that you’re doing right now with me and if I do a good job, they’re gonna vote for me, they're gonna vote for me because it’s not just on Fox, it’s on Fox is a smaller part of it. you’re on all over this, those little beautiful cell phones you’re on, you’re all over the place. you have a product, you have a great product. you have a great brand. so you have to get out, you have to get out, you have to do things like your show and other shows and Google has been very bad. they’ve been very irresponsible and I have a feeling that Google is gonna be close to shut down.”

what the what? I’m not really sure what set Donny off on this incoherent rant but I’m betting that he googled himself and didn’t like what he found.

also, “little beautiful cell phones” — I think we need to create a drinking game where every time Donny describes some everyday ordinary item as ‘beautiful,’ the entire country has to guzzle gin straight from the bottle. it’s the only way we’re all going to make it through this election season.

hey Donny, how do crypto currencies work?

“you have to understand about crypto, crypto is a very interesting thing. very high level in certain ways, intellectually very high level. but if we don’t do it, China’s gonna do it. China’s gonna do it anyway. but if we don’t do it, China’s doing it. China’s already doing it. and if we don’t do it, other countries are going to do it, so we might as well be at the forefront. there are people in crypto that are very very um smart people who do love our country. they think it’s uh, they think it’s good. who knows, maybe we’ll pay off our $35 trillion, hand them a little crypto check, right?”

there aren’t many in things this world that I fucking love more than watching Donny try to explain crypto.

whenever Donny starts off by saying that something is “interesting,” you know that he’s about to twist the bullshit dial so far past eleven that it snaps off in his hand.

Donny has no idea that crypto is imaginary money that only exists on computers. it’s obvious that he believes that bitcoins are real things that you can hold in your hand. you know he imagines freshly-minted bitcoins coming off a conveyor belt at the US Mint, each one bearing his beautiful profile. right now, in Donny’s mind, China is minting bitcoins with President Xi on them. we can’t let President Xi have all the fun.

“maybe we’ll hand them a little crypto check.” no. that’s not how it works. that’s not how any of this works.

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if Sundowning Grandpa Schitzenpantz Explains It fails to find an audience, I have an idea for another show. it’s called Who The Fuck Is Donny Waving At? — because he has this thing where he walks out of a building or off a plane and immediately starts waving at … who? because there’s never anyone there.

it happens again,

and again,

and again,

and again.

hey Donny — are these crowds of adoring MAGA cultists in the room with us right now?

yes, I understand this is all staged and at some point, Donny’s propagandists will use CGI to fill in cheering crowds, but still — it’s pretty fucking ludicrous, the lengths that this malignant narcissist will go to make us all believe that he’s still popular.

or — maybe Donny actually sees all these imaginary people.