“JD Vance jizz cups” — and other scenes from the Great Republican Nervous Breakdown

part one of an ongoing series

imagine you’re one of Donny Convict’s dead-ender cultists. you’re MAGA to the core. you’ve got all the merch. there’s the red hat that immediately identifies you as a total fucking moron from a thousand yards away. your house — covered with homemade TRUMP banners — is the eyesore of the neighborhood.

your rusting pickup truck badly needs a new set of tires, but you’ve spent that money on the two dozen TRUMP flags festooned all over it — and oh look, you’ve got the obligatory ‘Joe Biden hogtied’ decal across the tailgate. so charming!

you’ve gone out in public wearing “real men wear diapers” adult diapers in solidarity with the overgrown man-baby who regularly shits himself.

when Dear Leader got his magically-regrown ear shot all to pieces, you showed your support by taping a maxi-pad over your own ear.

so, after all that, what do you do for an encore?

this, apparently.

yes, those are jizz cups.

specifically, they are sperm sample cups with Couchfuck McGee’s vapid face plastered on them, bearing the words “J.D. Vance Full Family Kit.”

what in the jewel-encrusted small-batch artisanal fuck is going on here?

this, apparently.

As for why these supporters are schlepping around the cups — complete with an opaque white substance we’re trying hard not to think about, just BTW — many are pointing to Tim Walz’s own issues with infertility.

so the cultists are mocking Tim Walz for being ‘less of a man’ because his boys don’t swim so good? congratulations, assholes, you’ve reached a new low in ghoulish cruelty.

I guarantee that everyone one of these useless shitsticks knows someone or has a family member who is dealing with fertility issues — but the cultists could care less who they offend. the cruelty is the point.

evidently these cups have fake jizz in the them. why? to what end? are these dipshits opening them up and showing the contents to bystanders?

to prove what?

who in their right mind even thinks of this shit? hey, you know what — we should fill little cups with fake jizz and put JD Vance’s face on them. yeah, that would fucking rule.

lunatics, that’s what these weirdos are.

these creepy dimwits are the same people who throw a shit-fit if a high school bathroom has a free tampon dispenser in it. these are the overwrought ninnies who freak the fuck out if a drag performer reads a library book to a schoolchild.

but it’s perfectly okay for them to saunter about in public flaunting fake jizz.

fucking weirdos.

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the Democratic National Convention starts today — and Republican brains, already broken by Kamala’s barnstorming campaign, are crumbling into even smaller pieces.

here we have some not-twitter bluechecks shooting the shit.

I’d love to know more how Kamala as the nominee “does not make sense.” is it the part where she’s black? is it the part where she’s a woman? is Kamala beating Dear Leader like a rented mule what doesn’t make sense?

maybe Dr. Vincent Sativa, aka “The Weed Shop” is high on his own supply.

they’re still throwing every attack they can think of at the wall, hoping that something — anything — sticks.

Laura Ingraham has a bad case of the twisted knickers because the Democrats have all the A-list celebrities and the Republicans are stuck with washed-up has-beens like Kid Rock and Hulk Hogan.

Monica Crowley just can’t stand to see four winners having the times of the lives.

of course, no survey of the current Republican nervous breakdown would be complete without checking on in Donny Convict.

oh dear — Donny’s in full freakout mode, posting to his crappy app twenty-five times in a single hour.

We had to turn away lots of people yesterday in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, but Comrade Kamala Harris’ Social Media Operation showed empty seats, long before the Rally started, early in the afternoon when, in actuality, we had to turn away 11,500 people! She’s a Crooked Radical Left Politician, and always will be! Everything she touches turns bad, just like California, and San Francisco before it - as is the case with all Marxists. She should have never been Vice President, and had to stage a COUP of Joe Biden, with her America-hating friends, Barrack Hussein Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, and the rest. Comrade Kamala is a STONE COLD LOSER, she will FAIL and, if she doesn’t, our Country will cease to exist as we know it, turning into a Communist, Crime Ridden Garbage Dump. November 5th will be the Most Important Date in the History of the U.S.A. It’s as simple as that!…

Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is freaking out over press reports that his most-recent hate rally was at best only about two-thirds full —

so he’s spinning his usual bullshit tale of how their were a skillionty-seven people milling about outside who couldn’t get in.

Donny’s courting of the Black vote is going just aces.

Lightweight Political commentator Van Jones begged me, while in the Oval Office and with tears flowing from his eyes, to help get Criminal Justice Reform approved by the United States Senate. I got it done, with Conservative help, and this lowlife, Jones, never once called to thank me, or the others that helped, for what we had done. Along with Opportunity Zones, the long term funding of HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES, and much more, I’ve done more for our black population than anyone other than, perhaps, Abraham Lincoln!!! Sorry, but that’s the way it is!!!

add Van Jones to the long list of people who apparently can’t get within ten feet of Donny without bursting into tears.

hey, maybe it’s the stench of unchanged diaper that’s causing everyone’s eyes to water. perhaps Donny might ought to work on his personal hygiene.

racist much?

hey Alexa, show me a good way to get sued.

some enterprising yutz had an AI gin up a bunch of phony “Taylor Swift for Donald Trump” pics — and Donny posted them all to his shitty app.

awesome job, homeslice — you’ve enraged an actual billionaire who loathes you and is fiercely protective of her image — and I guarantee she didn’t find her lawyers by nosing around some parking garage. expect to hear from them soon.

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there is a fiction being perpetrated right now by the Republicans and the media: Kamala is hiding from the press. why won’t Kamala talk to them? this is hogwash. Kamala travels with a press contingent. she talks to them every day. here she is, yesterday, answering a reporter’s question about her economic plan.

“sure. you just look at it in terms of what we are talking about for example around children, and the child tax credit and extending the EICT. that is six thousand dollars for the first year of a child’s life. the return on that investment, what it will do and what it will pay for will be tremendous. we’ve seen it when we did it. the first year of our administration, we reduced child poverty by over fifty percent. so, that’s a lot of the work, and then what we’re doing in terms of the child tax credits, we know that there’s a great return on investment. when we increase home ownership in America, what that means in terms of increasing the tax base, not to mention the property tax base, what that does to fund the schools — again, return on investment. I think it’s a mistake for any person who talks about public policy to not critically evaluate how you measure the return on investment. when you are strengthening neighborhoods, strengthening communities, and in particular the economies of those communities, and investment of broad-based economies, everybody benefits and it pays for itself in that way.”

wow — for someone who supposedly hides from the press, Kamala sure has a lot to say.

contrast that to the kid-glove treatment that Donny gets from reporters. he’ll just blurt out whatever harebrained incoherent scheme he just improvised on the spot, and the press never dares to ask for specifics — and if they did, Donny would just spout his usual accordion-hand bluffoonery about we’re going to be looking at it very strongly and it will be so great, you’ll see.

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so there’s your choice, folks. the candidate who has sound, progressive policies, and can articulate them — or the convicted felon whose deranged worshipers think it’s totes cool to swan about with their revolting cups of fake jizz.