James Comer demands to know how the fuck Joe Biden got so old

Jimmy's gonna git to the bottom of this

Comer Fudd, the excitable mushmouth Republican who may or may not have enjoyed sexual congress with the pigs on his family farm, is livid.

Joe Biden is old? why didn’t anyone tell me that Joe Biden is old? this does not happen on my watch. we’re gonna git to the bottom of this.

and so Corn Pone Jimmy is going to hold hearings. he’s going to assemble a team of the country’s finest mathematicians to explain under oath exactly how a guy born in 1942 can possibly be 81 years old in 2024, because something just doesn’t add up here.

I hope they subpoena Hunter Biden’s freakishly huge penis, because let me tell you, that big old trouser trout has seen things.

I wish I were kidding here — but no, it’s the god’s honest truth that James Comer is planning to use Robert Hur’s political hit job as a pretext for more election-year harassment of Joe Biden.

House Republicans are activating a weekslong, perhaps monthslong, plan to keep questions about President Biden’s mental state in the spotlight.

it’s all so fucking dumb, because — not to put too fine a point on this — Comer & Co are knuckle-dragging numbskulls who couldn’t investigate their way out of a paper bag.

we’ve seen enough enough of these dog-and-pony shows to know it’s going to be a fucking disaster for the Republicans.

oh, sure, they’ll give Hur the spotlight and ask all sorts of leading questions — Mr. Hur, did President Biden drool on you? did you see him accept bags of cash from the Chinese? — and then that evening they’ll be all over Fox News to brag about whatever smoking gun they imagined they found.

but remember, Democrats get to speak, too — and receipt-bringing Democrats like Jared Moskowitz will embarrass the fuck out of Hur by pointing out the numerous inconsistencies in his report — instance after instance where Hur makes a damning allegation and then ten pages later says the exact opposite.

Hur writes at the outset: “Our investigation uncovered evidence that President Biden willfully retained and disclosed classified materials after his vice presidency when he was a private citizen.” You have to wait for the later statements that what the report actually says is there is insufficient evidence of criminality, innocent explanations for the conduct, and affirmative evidence that Biden did not willfully withhold classified documents.

and they won’t just bring receipts, they’ll bring visual aids.

trust this guy, he knows what he’s doing.

and you know they’ll use the proceedings to make legitimate points about Little Donny Fuckface’s own very real cognitive decline.

they’ll most certainly point out that under oath, Trump couldn’t remember what year he married his Slovenian trophy wife.

lawyer: “and I am correct that you were engaged to your current wife some time in 2004?”
Trump: “I don’t know.”
lawyer: “am I correct that you married your current wife in January 2005?”
Trump: “I don’t know.”

and they’re never going to pass up a chance to play this clip on live TV.

“we are an institute in a powerful death penalty. we will put this on. we have to.”

whatever you say, Sundowning Grandpa Stumblefuck. now let’s get you to prison.

Congressional Democrats are going to hand Republicans their own asses — but that won’t stop Jimmy Hoghump and his pals from continuing to fixate on jOe BiDeN’s aGe, because they haven’t got anything else to run on.

rinse and repeat.

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meanwhile, here comes the Big Trump Family Business Fraud Fuckery Trial ruling we’ve all been waiting for.

State Judge Arthur Engoron, who presided over the $370 million civil fraud case in New York against former President Donald Trump and his company, is expected to issue his verdict in the trial by the end of the week, a person with direct knowledge of the situation told NBC News.

“It is currently anticipated the Engoron decision will be released on Friday, barring unforeseen circumstances,” the person said Tuesday.

at this point, the only question that remains is how bad it’s going to be for Trump and his felonious adult children.

get ready to party on Friday night.

will be wild.