it’s Merrick Garland’s turn to endure GOP clownfuckery

Republicans are deeply deranged halfwits

on Monday, Comer Fudd and the House Oversight Committee tormented Dr. Anthony Fauci, hectoring him about all their batshit COVID conspiracy theories.

yesterday, it was Jim Jordan’s turn to set his House Judiciary goons loose on Merrick Garland — and oh boy, was the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach eager to do his Clownfuck Jimmy act. there he was, his schtick on full display — he worked himself up into a high-pitched spittle-flecked hissy and barked like a tiny little yapdog, all the while waving his arms and pointing his rat-fingers, oh reallying this and point of ordering that.

the House Judiciary had dragged Garland before them because they were having a Big Angry over two items on their agenda.

first, they DEMANDED to know why Garland had ordered his DOJ to go after Dear Leader and get him all kinds of convicted for falsifying business records in Manhattan. of course, Merrick Garland had done no such thing — but the House Reps had their conspiratorial narrative, and fuck reality. facts don’t play well on Fox News.

their second DEMAND was for Garland to turn over the tapes from Robert Hur’s interviews with Joe Biden. never mind that the tapes exonerate Biden in that classified document matter — that’s not why the GOP wants them. Republicans are hot to get their grubby hands on the tapes so they can publicly make fun of the parts where Biden stutters.

“Why do Republicans want the audio of Special Counsel Robert Hur’s interview with President Biden when they already have the official transcript? Because they want to use his stutter, an obstacle he's worked hard to overcome, against him. That is DESPICABLE.”

they threatened to hold Garland in contempt if he didn’t do their bidding, pronto — to which Merrick served up a big bowl of go fuck yourself.

“I view contempt as a serious matter. I will not jeopardize the ability of our prosecutors and agents to do their jobs effectively in future investigations. I will not be intimidated, and the Justice Department will not be intimidated. we will continue to do our jobs, free from political influence, and we will not back down from defending democracy.”

as always, individual wingnuts on the House Judiciary had their own weird-ass axes to grind, and they were hot to get Garland to explain their fever dreams.

Indiana GOP Rep Victoria Spartz, for instance, is very incensed that Merrick Garland is apparently personally to blame for her not being allowed to buy seventeen thousand guns.

Spartz: “if I have as many guns as I want in my personal collection, do you think— you know, you have this new rule that you celebrated with your ATF director, which I think is very dangerous, do you think there should be limitations on the percentage of my collection that I should be able to sell, or timeframe, I can hold a gun like, you know, I can buy ten guns and try to shoot them at the range, they’re not good and I want to sell them. should there be any limitations on the timeframe, or the percentage of my collection I can replace?”
Garland: “there’s an exception in the statute for sales from personal collections.”
Spartz: “so I can do as many— I can sell five hundred guns, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

oh my god, the expression on Merrick’s face as he tries to parse that mangled word salad.

is this an actual worry among the gun fetishists? are these trigger-happy nitwits buying ten guns at a time and rejecting them all because they’re “not good”?

just wondering, why does Vicky have five hundred guns in her personal collection? how many fucking guns can a person shoot at one time?

what on god’s green earth is going on with these weapon-obsessed dipshits?

but you know what? fuck the Republicans. let’s focus on the Democrats, because, as always, the Dems brought receipts.

here’s Ted Lieu, reminding the Republicans who Dear Convicted Leader is.

“Trump’s campaign manager, felon. Trump’s deputy campaign manager, felon. Trump’s foreign policy advisor, felon. Trump’s lawyer. Trump’s political advisor, felon. Trump’s fundraiser, felon. it is not the fault of the Department of Justice that Donald Trump surrounded himself with criminals.”

here’s Adam Schiff, reminding the GOP who they are.

“you can be the former president of the United States, but if you commit crimes, you’ll be held responsible. that’s his problem. that’s the problem of all my Republican colleagues right now — they’re about to nominate a convicted felon, and they don’t know how to cope with that. they don’t know how to cope with a justice system that treats Donald Trump the same as it would any other citizen, and so they have to push these conspiracy theories that they know are patently false. and they try to run over you with questions they won’t let you answer, because their whole arguments are utterly insupportable, and destructive of our justice system. they care more about this convicted felon than they do the country. I have to say I’m pleased and a bit surprised to see that the flag in this committee room is flying right-side up.”

but the winner of the day was Eric Swalwell, who brought visual aids.

“before anyone on the other side saddles up and gets on their high legal horses, I would just like the remind the committee that the chairman is 754 days into his own subpoena defiance.”

here’s Eric, reminding everyone that Matt Gaetz is a pervy sleazeball — all while the Jim Jordan Subpoena Clock continues to tick.

“Mr. Attorney General, last week it was reported that ‘House Ethics Panel subpoenas DOJ for Gaetz records’ — it was a May 14, 2024 Politico piece. I’d like to submit it to the record with unanimous consent. I just want to get this straight. Mr. Gaetz wants the attorney general to reopen and publicize evidence from an investigation that a Donald Trump-appointed prosecutor closed against President Biden, while at the same time Mr. Gaetz himself is being protected by the same DOJ policy — that is, refusing to voluntarily turn over evidence from Mr. Gaetz’s sex trafficking investigation.”

and here’s Eric reminding his GOP colleagues that they’re in a cult.

“do you believe in state’s right, except for when a jury in that state convicts your nominee for president? you might be in a cult. if you claim to ‘back the blue’ but want to defund the police when the police go to your nominee’s house to retrieve national security secrets? you might be in a cult. if you’re supporting a guy whose felony convictions prevent him from getting a security clearance? you might be in a cult. and if the guy you’re supporting for president has felony convictions that prevent him from going to Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Cambodia, Canada, Chile, China, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Egypt, Ethiopia, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Japan, Kenya, Macao, Malaysia, Mexico, Morocco, Nepal, New Zealand, Peru, Philippines, Singapore, South Africa, South Korea, Taiwan, Tanzania, Tunisia, Turkey, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates and the UK, you might be in a cult.”

check out Jimmy Jords at the end of that clip, impotently banging his gavel while Swalwell ignores him. Eric has no more fucks to give, and we are all here for it.

three cheers for Adam Schiff, Ted Lieu, Eric Swalwell — and all the Democrats.

Republicans are deeply unserious fuckfaces, and this is how you deal with them: troll them mercilessly, and expose them for the carny barkers and sideshow geeks they are.