Iran taunts Donny: “your mother was a hamster”

now go away, you silly American president

as with All Things Donny, the more we learn about any of his alleged ‘accomplishments,’ the stupider it gets. current case in point: this whole fucktangle in Iran.

let’s review everything we’ve been told so far. first, the Mad King announced that he had dropped a billiontyleven bunkiebuster bombs on top of all them uranium enrichment sites, and they blowed up good. they blowed up real good.

Iran’s shit was fucked forever, we were told. total obliteration!

but then we found out that maybe those sites didn’t blow up real good, that they only blowed up sort-of good, and that ‘fucked forever’ actually meant ‘inconvenienced for a couple of months.’ oh, and we also learned that President Blabbermouth gave Iran enough advance warning they had time to move all their enriched uranium to a secret location — and now we have no idea where it is.

so the Mad King sent his loyal second-in-command, Brave Sir Drinksalot, to scream at the press for committing a journalism by reporting the truth instead of cheerleading.

then Donny told us that he gave permission to Iran to lob their Holy Hand Grenade at our military base in Qatar — and for some inexplicable reason, everyone just shrugged their shoulders about it, and went well okay, I guess that sounds like something Donny would do. what an irrepressible scamp.

then we found out that at the Isfahan site, they didn’t even bother to use bunkiebusters, and used submarine-launched Tomahawk missiles instead — because the military knew ahead of time that Isfahan was virtually impenetrable. basically the bombing was just for show. Iran was able to reopen that site within days.

now, here’s the latest twist: US intelligence intercepted a phone call between top Iranian bigwigs, and they were all what the fuck is this? these sites are barely exploded. I thought America was supposed to be good at dropping bombs. isn’t that pretty much all they do?

The United States obtained intercepted communication between senior Iranian officials discussing this month’s U.S. military strikes on Iran’s nuclear program and remarking that the attack was less devastating than they had expected, said four people familiar with the classified intelligence circulating within the U.S. government.

Iran is taunting Donny. they’re farting in his general direction.

Iran just found out what every banker who ever lent Donny money already knew: that Donny talks a good game, and delivers bupkis.

‘we’re going to totally obliterate you’ is the new ‘we’re all going to get rich off these casinos.’

you know, if Donny really wants to destroy Iran, he should just convince them to invest in any of his shitbrained business schemes.

meanwhile, Donny’s being Donny. he’s decided he’s going to tweet his way through a foreign policy crisis.

“The incredible B-2 pilots will be coming to the White House…They hit a target the size of a circle—a little target, they say half the size of a refrigerator door, from 50,000 feet up in the air going at a rapid speed, and they hit it every single time…”

as always, Dear Leader’s ludicrous lies just grow more and more outlandish with each retelling. now, the pilots aren’t just good — they’re supernaturally good. they’re hitting targets ‘the size of a circle,’ whatever the fuck that means.

I’m pretty sure there’s a Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk gets a computer to self-destruct by asking it ‘what size is a circle?’

by next week, Donny’s going to be bragging about how the pilots had tears in their eyes as they hit a pinhole from a million miles out in space while traveling at warp factor nine.

note that not one person has criticized the pilots, who in fact did an amazing job — but Donny and his flunky, Brave Sir Drinksalot, are trying like hell to make this about the pilots. they’re pretending that any criticism of the operation is criticism of our loyal and patriotic pilots. how dare you!

they’re doing this in order to deflect from the real culprits in all this: their own incompetent selves.

the fault lies with Brave Sir Drinksalot, who fired every Pentagon expert who would have known how to get this shit done — and the fault lies with Donny, for not leveling with the American people and admitting that his Glorious Iranian Adventure didn’t turn out as glorious as he imagined.

We The People are being fed, as always, a steady diet of lies.

what fairy tale we going to hear next, that Iran’s Supreme Leader turned the Mad King into a newt, but then he got better?

this isn’t foreign policy. this is farce.

it would be funny, except for the part where the assholes on both sides aren’t lobbing cows at each other.

they’re using real bombs.

oh, and Donny’s mother? she really was a hamster.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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