indictment season scorecard: your guide to Donald Trump's coming legal hell
Donald Trump is all out of good days
need some cheering up? consider this: Donald Trump is all out of good days. there are none left. every day of the rest of Trump’s life is going to be worse than the day that came before it.
Trump’s lifetime of ignoring the law and getting away with it is now in the rear-view mirror. all Trump has to look forward to now is an unending hell of well-earned consequences.
and the stupid dipshit has no one to blame but himself.
let’s have a look at all the investigations and pending trials in Trump’s future.
Stormy Daniels hush money payment
what Trump did: cheated on his third wife with porn actress Stormy Daniels and then paid her $130,000 to shut the fuck up about it during his 2016 presidential campaign and then wrote the payment off as “legal expenses.”
what crimes did Trump commit: falsifying business records, tax fraud, campaign finance violations
who is bringing charges: Alvin Bragg, Manhattan District Attorney
status: indictment and arrest imminent
consequences: prison and fines
Georgia election interference
what Trump did: the big stupid baby couldn’t deal with being a big fucking loser and tried to get various Georgia election officials to overturn the results of the 2020 election.
what crimes did Trump commit: solicitation of election fraud, making of false statements to state and local governmental bodies, conspiracy, racketeering
who is bringing charges: Fani Willis, Fulton County District Attorney
status: indictment within weeks
consequences: prison and fines
theft of classified documents
what Trump did: Trump came down with a bad case of Sticky Fingers Syndrome and left the White House with cartons of classified documents that absolutely did not belong to him. lied about it. moved them. hid them. ignored multiple requests to return them.
what crimes did Trump commit: violations of Presidential Records Act, possession of classified documents, espionage, obstruction of justice
who is investigating: Jack Smith, Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice
status: investigation ongoing
consequences: prison and fines
Januuary 6th insurrection
what Trump did: once again, the big fucking loser of the 2020 presidential election couldn’t deal with being the big fucking loser that he so obviously is and so he whipped his deranged worshipers into a violent frenzy and sent them to the Capitol to stop the certification of the electoral votes. people died.
what crimes did Trump commit: obstruction of an official proceeding, obstruction of justice, conspiracy
who is investigating: Jack Smith, Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice
status: investigation ongoing
consequences: prison and fines
E. Jean Carroll civil rape case
what Trump did: exactly what it says in the heading above
what crime did Trump commit: rape
status: trial starts April 25th
consequences: prison and fines
civil fraud
what Trump did: what the fuck did Trump not do? lied on Trump Organization financial documents, lied on Trump Organization tax records, lied about EVERYTHING.
what crimes did Trump commit: financial fraud, tax fraud
who is prosecuting: Letitia James, Attorney General of New York
status: trial begins October 2
consequences: dissolution of the Trump Organization, fines
there you have it, folks. I know a lot of you are convinced that Trump will never be brought to justice, but there’s just too much fucking shit going on here. no way is Trump going to skate on all these charges. as I said yesterday, keep that champagne on ice
I don't care if trump gets nailed for jaywalking or unpaid parking tickets. I want him to be held accountable for something. More than in jail, I want trump poor. As in dead broke.
In order, I'd like him convicted of smearing the name of his rape victim, even if he don't do time for the assault. His base loves the King David analogy. Fuck 'em. He's a tawdry serial sexual predator.
Next, the Georgia crimes.
Next, the years of false reporting in NY, jail his fat ass on that one.
Next, Jack Smith's federal investigations; please let there be a god who cares for us, or at least isn't indifferent.
Next the lies about the payoff.
Next, let DeSantis suffer and suffer.
Next let those who've tried to ride his coattails try to jump off. And that list is long, long, long... I've come to hate so many more people than o ever thought I'd have to hate.
Let's work Ginni Thomas, her cruel husband, and Sammy "the bullshitter" Alito in somehow. The depth of their betrayal and glib mendacity needs a comeuppance or three.
Jeez, it's really hard to end this.