indictment season begins today! (updated)

after years of fucking around, it's finally time for Donald Trump to find out

this is FUCKING YUGE.

there we all were, having a perfectly ordinary Friday, when the news broke:

Mike Sington @MikeSington

“This is a huge development.” Final preparations being made to arrest Donald Trump next week. Trump will “be fingerprinted and processed like every other defendant”. The Secret Service will make the decision whether to handcuff the former president or not. (Video: Fox News)

oh god oh god oh god oh god was it actually happening? after years and years of being forced to watch Donald Trump fuck around, could we finally be getting to watch Donald Trump find out?

predictably, all hell broke loose and the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex melted straight the fuck down.

Individual-1 spent the entire weekend having a completely normal one:

at last, there it was: Donald Trump would be arrested on Tuesday (or not. more on that in a bit).

the already-incoherent wingnut meltdown kicked straight the fuck into overdrive.

first out of the gate was Kevin McCarthy, grandstanding at twice the speed of light and promising to investigate an event over which he has absolutely no power to investigate. see if you can spot the exact moment when Kev’s already-pliant spine completely liquifies:

Kevin McCarthy @SpeakerMcCarthy

Here we go again — an outrageous abuse of power by a radical DA who lets violent criminals walk as he pursues political vengeance against President Trump. I’m directing relevant committees to immediately investigate if federal funds are being used to subvert our democracy by… https://t.co/elpbh7LeWn

J.D. Vance (oh god, I almost forgot that this underachieving goofus is an actual United States Senator) managed to wedge racism and antisemitism into one tidy tweet.

J.D. Vance @JDVance1

Alvin Bragg is bought by George Soros. He allows violent criminals to walk the streets of New York City, but will prosecute the likely Republican nominee (and former president) on a baseless misdemeanor charge. These people are trying to turn America into a third-world country.

Josh Dawsey @jdawsey1

The prosecutor, the ex-president & “the zombie case” that was viewed skeptically by many in law enforcement, including Alvin Bragg’s team, that suddenly, somehow came back to life. Our latest: https://t.co/dI8iyNn5ik

the guy whose own family hates his guts had an ominious warning for us all.

Rep Andy Biggs @RepAndyBiggsAZ

If they can come for Trump, they will come for you. This type of stuff only occurs in third world authoritarian nations.

Andy’s right, folks, and it’s so chilling: if they can go after a criminal ex-president for committing crimes, they can go after any criminal for committing crimes.

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meanwhile, the MAGA-world rank and file — and I can’t put too fine a point on this — completely lost their shit. word went out: we must protect Our Only And True President at all costs. this one’s my favorite:

Zachary Petrizzo @ZTPetrizzo

One of the most popular ideas on far-right The Donald forum following Trump calling his supporters to protest: "Surround Mar-A-Lago or wherever he currently is and prevent 'law enforcement' from entering."

a “patriot moat.” a fucking patriot moat. wrap your mind around a patriot moat. oh please please please PLEASE do a patriot moat. and live-stream it. please.

(aside: Patriot Moat is an excellent name for a band. I call dibs.)

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meanwhile, lost in all the rage and confusion is this:

as I sit here writing this at 10am Monday morning, Donald Trump is the only source for the “going to be arrested on Tuesday” story and Donald Trump is a fucking liar who lies about everything.

Alvin Bragg hasn’t said anything. Trump’s lawyers haven’t said anything. only Donald Trump has said anything, and this is the guy who lied his fucking face off about a weather map.

so is tomorrow the big day, or is Trump delusional, or is Trump picking a day out of his ass just so he can have something to fundraise off of?

we just don’t know.

the Trump grand jury is meeting today. they’re hearing from Michael Cohen (for a third time) and a last-minute pro-Trump witness who will argue against indictment. if the grand jury doesn’t hold an indictment vote today, their next meeting is on Wednesday.

so keep the champagne on ice, folks. if you’re not popping the cork tomorrow, you probably will be popping it before the end of the week.

fuck yeah.

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UPDATE, 11:17am: something’s happening, folks.

Robert Costa @costareports

Steel barricades arriving outside Manhattan Criminal Court @CBSNews

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UPDATE, 1:16pm: INDICTMENT EXPECTED LATE TODAY OR WEDNESDAY

Mueller, She Wrote @MuellerSheWrote

INDICTMENT EXPECTED LATE TODAY OR WEDNESDAY. If you only want to know when the indictment is issued and don’t care about news like this, you can follow @indictmentsonly

politico.comTrump indictment could land as early as Monday, sending law enforcement scramblingA grand jury is expected to charge Trump late Monday or Wednesday, according to three people involved in the deliberations.

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TUNE IN TOMORROW for “indictment season scorecard: your guide to Donald Trump's legal hell”