if I wrote Joe Biden’s State of the Union speech

“the state of our union is … pretty fucking awesome”

Madam Vice President, Mister Weird-Ass Porn-Obsessed Speaker, our First Lady and Second Gentleman, members of Congress and the Cabinet, Justices of the Supreme Court, my fellow Americans —

now, before we start: hey Marjorie Three Toes — try to keep your braying to a minimum. this is supposed to be a solemn occasion. and you, Handy Oakley — try not to fall out of your dress. this isn’t Beetlejuice the Musical. both of you, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. nobody wants to see a repeat of your disgraceful behavior from previous years. you’re government officials and grown adults. it’s time to act like it.

ok, on with the show.

the state of our union is … pretty fucking awesome.

three years ago, I inherited an utter shit-show. the worst pandemic in a century. the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. the worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War.

now, three years later, check this shit out:

— over 14.8 million jobs have been created. that’s more jobs created in three years than any president.

— the unemployment rate is down to 3.7%. unemployment has been under four percent for over two years, the longest stretch in more than 50 years. 

— inflation is down to 3.1%.

— wages are up, and outpacing inflation.

— our economy has added 800,000 manufacturing jobs since I took office and private companies have announced more than $300 billion in manufacturing investments here in the U.S.

— thanks to the CHIPS Act, we’re bringing high-tech jobs back to America and improving our supply chain.

— we’re investing more than a trillion dollars in rebuilding our country’s aging infrastructure. remember how the former guy used to announce imaginary ‘infrastructure weeks’ and then did absolutely fucking nothing? we’re actually doing it.

— American manufacturing is booming.

— more Americans have heath insurance than ever before.

— a month’s supply of insulin is now capped at $35 for seniors on Medicare.

— we’ve canceled about $138 billion in federal student loans — wiping out debts for about 3.9 million borrowers.

— oil production in the US is at an all-time high.

— renewable power is the number 2 source of electricity in the U.S. — and climbing.

— and just two days ago I capped bank overdraft fees at eight bucks.

now, to a lot of you out there, this is the first time you’re hearing about any of this. but you would have already known it if the media would do its fucking job and report on facts instead of obsessing over my age. oh nooo, Joe Biden is old. he’s so old. so very very very olllld.

to which I say: so fucking what. I get shit done.

meanwhile, what have Republicans been doing? punishing pregnant women. getting mad at books. getting mad at drag performers. forcing ten-year-old children to give birth to rape-babies. arresting women for miscarrying. drowning migrants in razor-wire booby traps.

all their culture war bullshit is designed to distract you from the fact that beyond tax cuts for the obscenely wealthy and farcical revenge investigations, Republicans don’t have shit. not one useful policy proposal that would benefit the average American.

yesterday, Elise Stefanik asked if you were better off today than you were four years ago. are you fucking kidding me? Republican nitwits have memory-holed an entire pandemic.

remember not being able to buy toilet paper? remember corpses stacked in mobile morgues and buried in mass graves? I remember. that was exactly four years ago.

I also remember some fuckface going golfing, and telling the country to gargle horse paste and inject disinfectant — and now this incompetent dipshit wants his old job back.

hey Comer Fudd, how’s my impeachment going? talk to any Russian spies lately? I’ve asked Home Depot to send you a fresh supply of rakes to step on.

House Republicans, don’t even bother trying to pass any more extremist legislation. fuck your national abortion ban. I’ll veto that so fucking fast you won’t even know what hit you.

Rand Paul, shut the fuck up about cutting Social Security and Medicare. it’s not happening on my watch.

well, that’s it for today, folks.

God bless America. thank you and goodnight