if I wrote Joe Biden's State of the Union speech

“the state of our union is … pretty fucking awesome”

Madam Vice President, Mister Barely Speaker After Fifteen Ballots, our First Lady and Second Gentleman, members of Congress and the Cabinet, Justices of the Supreme Court, my fellow Americans:

now, before we start: Lauren Bobblehead and Marjorie Three Toes Greene, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. nobody wants to see a repeat of your disgraceful behavior from last year. you’re government officials and grown adults, it’s time to act like it.

ok, on with the show.

the state of our union is … pretty fucking awesome.

two years ago, I inherited an utter fucking shitshow. the worst pandemic in a century.  the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. the worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War.

now, two years later, check this shit out:

— over 12 million jobs have been created. that’s more jobs created in two years than any president in a four-year term.

— the unemployment rate is down to 3.4%. that’s the lowest level in 54 years.

— wages are up.

— inflation is down.

— our economy has added 800,000 manufacturing jobs since I took office and private companies have announced more than $300 billion in manufacturing investments here in the U.S.

— American manufacturing is booming.

— a month’s supply of insulin is now capped at $35 for seniors on Medicare.

now, to a lot of you out there, this is the first time you’re hearing this. but you would already have known about all of this if the media would do its fucking job and report on facts and quit parroting right-wing talking points and both-sidesing the shit out of everything.

meanwhile, what have Republicans been doing? getting mad at stoves. getting mad at M&Ms. shouting about imaginary border crises. they’re trying to distract you from the fact that beyond tax cuts for the obscenely weathly and stupid revenge investigations, they don’t have shit. not one useful policy proposal that would benefit the average American.

Jim Jordan, the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach who looked the other way in the shower room and also looked the other way when he was subpoenaed to appear before the January 6th Committe, is going to waste everyone’s time on pointless investigations. know what, Jimbo? bring it the fuck on. subpoena anyone you care to. we won’t run and we won’t hide. we’ll show up. because we’ve done nothing wrong, and we have nothing hide.

House Republicans, don’t even bother trying to pass any stupid bullshit legislation. I’ll veto it so fucking fast you won’t even know what hit you.

well, that’s it for today, folks. Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be giving the Republican response. have fun watching her destroy what’s left of her political career.

God bless America. thank you and goodnight