horny moron brags about being J6 rioter, ends up in prison

three cheers for our modern-day Mata Hari!

there’s fucking around, there’s finding out — and there’s having the whole world laugh at what a stupid shit you are.

Andrew Taake is the most-recent winner of this trifecta, and right now he’s in prison — all because he gave in to one of the most basic primal urges: to attract a mate by showing off your plumage.

“hello, ladies”

unfortunately for Taake, his plumage was being a January 6 insurrectionist, and his potential mate was an informant.

here’s how this shit went down:

Nearly three years ago, a young professional in the nation’s capital was sitting in her apartment after the Jan. 6 attack and saw that the FBI was looking for help identifying the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol. So she opened up the Bumble dating app, changed her political beliefs to conservative and got to swiping.

The woman reached out to several Donald Trump supporters who the app showed were in the Washington area, hoping to elicit confessions from those who had flooded into the city because they believed his lies about the 2020 presidential election.

folks — and I cannot stress this enough — don’t fucking brag about your crimes to strangers on the internet — even if you think it’s going to get you laid. no, wait — especially if you think it’s going to get you laid. stop thinking with your dick, son.

it’s such obvious advice — right up there with “don’t buy imaginary fragments of Donald Trump’s suit” — that I can’t believe I have to say it.

nonetheless, MAGA morons by the dozens have been walking straight into this trap.

Taake wasn’t the only Jan. 6 defendant arrested thanks to intrepid Bumble users. Robert Chapman was sentenced to home detention on a misdemeanor charge after a Bumble match turned him in.

because getting dipshits to brag about their dipshittery turns out to be pretty much like shooting fish in a barrel.

The woman referred to as “Witness 1” in Taake's FBI affidavit has previously recalled how “comically minimal ego-stroking” from her led Trump supporters to give her information about their activities on Jan. 6.

Her strategy, she said, was to say, “Wow, crazy, tell me more,” on repeat until guys gave her enough to send their information to the FBI.

three cheers for our modern-day Mata Hari!

can we give this woman the Medal of Freedom? she’s earned it, after having to listen to one MAGA moron after another drone on about Fuck Brandon this and stolen election that.

“Were you near all the action?” she asked.

“Yes,” Taake replied. “From the very beginning.” He sent along a selfie he took shortly after he was pepper-sprayed.

holy shit, this nitwit was all HEY DATING APP LADY, CHECK OUT MY DOING-CRIMES SELFIE!

bro, law enforcement has their own special term they use to describe that photo you took of yourself criming. they call it “evidence.”

but I guess you know that now.

“Guilty,” Taake pleaded, telling Judge Nichols he was entering his plea voluntarily and of his own free will.

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more bad news for Rudy Colludy!

when we last left America’s drunk and disgraced mayor, he was on the wrong end of that $148 million dollar defamation judgement.

there’s been a new development:

Typically, those ordered to pay damages have 30 days before it is enforced. But in a motion filed Monday, the women’s lawyers asked that the pause be waived for Giuliani. They argue he may be inclined to use the time to conceal his assets.

Judge Beryl Howell was totally down with the motion, and ordered Rudy to start coughing up the moolah immediately.

of course, Rudy doesn’t have a pot to piss in these days, and it’s doubtful that Ruby Moss and Shaye Freeman will be able to collect even a fraction of the settlement — but how great would it be if Ruby and Shaye just showed up with at Rudy’s Manhattan apartment with a moving crew and started carting shit away.

“hey Rudy, this ugly-as-crap lamp, what’s it worth? twenty bucks? ok, now you owe us $147,999,980. write that down.”