holy shit, the leopards are eating Kevin McCarthy’s face

you hate to see it

Little Kevin McCarthy, low wattage yet highly ambitious member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party, had just one burning ambition in life: to be Speaker of the House.

there was just one little problem. Kevin McCarthy is a bit of a dipshit who no one really likes. and so, he went to the leopards and said, please let me be Speaker, I will become super-likeable and I will be your best friend.

fine, we will let you be Speaker, replied the leopards, but you must do exactly as we say and give us everything we want. and if you fuck up even just one time, we will eat your face.

done, said McCarthy, and so after 15 fun ballots, the leopards voted to let Kev be their new mascot.

Little Kevin squealed with glee and took a bunch of selfies with his new bestie, Marjorie Sporkfoot Greene.

and, true to his words, Kev has given the leopards everything they’ve asked for.

which is why it’s super fucking hilarious that right now, the leopards are eating Kevin McCarthy’s face.

that gaggle of government-loathing maniacs who call themselves the House Freedom Caucus — and in particular the inexplicably-unindicted sex pest Matt Gaetz — are torturing the fuck out of Kevin McCarthy right now.

Kevin really has given the Freedom Fucksticks everything they’ve asked for. number one on their list, of course, is impeaching Joe Biden. McCarthy was given an ultimatum: open a Biden impeachment inquiry or we will shut down the government so fucking fast your head will spin.

McCarthy didn’t really didn’t want to do an impeachment or a shutdown — he may be a dimwit, but he’s smart enough to know that either of those items would be a political disaster for the Republican Party — but he had no choice. obey or lose your job.

and so Hapless Kev went on TV and dutifully made all the right noises about the Biden Crime Family and Burisma and bank records and yadda yadda and how boom, he’s opening an impeachment inquiry.

and the Freedom Caucus cheered and hoisted Kevin up on their shoulders and danced around and proclaimed that McCarthy would be Speaker For Life and they were best friends forever and everyone had ice cream.

ha ha! just kidding! no, they didn’t do any of that shit.

what actually happened next is that Matt Gaetz moved the goalposts and announced a new set of demands for McCarthy to dance to in order to keep his job.

INSANE: Right after House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced his impeachment probe of President Biden, Rep. Matt Gaetz announced that they want to unseat McCarthy as Speaker! Gaetz is threatening to eject McCarthy if the Speaker doesn't give in to his budget demands and also to subpoena Hunter Biden.

this led to a closed-door meeting where the two could be heard screaming at each other.

The bitterness between the two GOP lawmakers — which stretches back to the Speaker’s race in January — hit a fever pitch on Tuesday when Gaetz warned that he would force a vote on taking McCarthy’s gavel if the California Republican did not meet a series of demands on spending and legislation. 

McCarthy shot back in an expletive-laden rant Thursday, daring Gaetz to “file the f‑‑‑ing motion” to try and boot him from the Speakership.

Kevin got played because he is so fucking bad at his job. imagine wanting to be Speaker this much only to be so clownshoes terrible at it.

can you imagine Nancy Pelosi taking this kind of shit from anyone? no, you cannot.

the Freedom Caucus is an unmanageable bunch of government-hating crazies. they truly want to burn it all down just so they can gaze at the pretty flames. it takes a special kind of stupid to believe you can control them — and Kevin McCarthy is just that special kind of stupid.

John Boehner couldn’t do it. he quit in disgust. Paul Ryan couldn’t do it. and both of those homeboys are a fuck of a lot smarter than McCarthy.

McCarthy is learning the hard lesson that Boehner and Ryan knew instinctively: you can’t win against crazy.

so now we’re going to have an impeachment and a shutdown and both are going to be the disaster that every sane person can see coming a mile away, and it’s all because feckless, incompetent Kevin McCarthy wanted more than anything else in this world to hold that gavel.

enjoy the face-eating, Kevin, you built that.