holy shit! Republicans are brawling with Republicans — and it’s fucking glorious

the House doesn’t need a Speaker, it needs a nun with a ruler

Republicans sure do know how to hate. it’s what motivates them. it’s what gets them out of bed in the morning, and it’s what fuels them throughout the day.

they hate Democrats. they hate women. they hate people of color, immigrants, gay and trans and nonbinary people, atheists, Muslims, schoolteachers, doctors and nurses, scientists — Republicans hate anyone who threatens their comfy little cro-magnon worldview.

and they hate themselves for being the empty, soulless husks they are.

but most of all, lately, they fucking hate other Republicans.

in an explosion of grievance-airing and score-settling, all this hatred and pent-up anger reached a boiling point yesterday, and holy shit — pass the popcorn.

Kevin McCarthy, heretofore known as the Bakersfield Brawler, got things started.

as NPR correspondent Claudia Grisales tells it in a series of not-tweets,

Have NEVER seen this on Capitol Hill: While talking to @RepTimBurchett after the GOP conference meeting, former @SpeakerMcCarthy walked by with his detail and McCarthy shoved Burchett. Burchett lunged towards me. I thought it was a joke, it was not. And a chase ensued...

Burchett's back was to McCarthy and his detail walking by in the hallway, then the lunge. Burchett responded jokingly as McCarthy kept walking, “Sorry Kevin didn't mean to elbow —” then seriously yelled, “why'd you elbow me in the back Kevin?! Hey Kevin, you got any guts!?”

Burchett then looked back at me and said, “jerk” referring to McCarthy. I asked if he had done that before, Burchett said “no.” That's when the chase ensued. Burchett took off after McCarthy and his detail. I chased behind with my mic.

@RepTimBurchett yelled after catching up to McCarthy, “Hey Kevin, why'd you walk behind me and elbow me in the back?” KM: “I didn't elbow you in the back.” Burchett: “You got no guts, you did so, ...the reporter said it right there, what kind of chicken move is that...”

Burchett con’t: “You got no guts, you did so, ...the reporter said it right there, what kind of chicken move is that? You’re pathetic man, you are so pathetic.” Burchett starts to walk away from McCarthy, tells me, “What a jerk,” and then yells back, “You need security Kevin!”

what in the actual fuck? these are grown men here. we have tasked them with the solemn responsibility of guiding the ship of state, and they’re pushing and shoving and taunting each other like a couple of playground schoolboys amped up on too many sugary snacks.

the House doesn’t need a Speaker, it needs a nun with a ruler.

mystifyingly-unindicted Mann Act violator Plankhead McSexpest found a way to insert himself into the story:

“This incident deserves immediate and swift investigation by the Ethics committee,” Gaetz wrote in a letter to House Ethics Committee Chair Michael Guest (R-Miss.) and ranking member Susan Wild (D-Pa.).

“Congress has seen a substantial increase in breaches of decorum unlike anything we have ever seen since the pre-Civil War era.”

“breaches of decorum” — that’s rich, coming from the self-styled lothario who loves to show his pals nude photos of his sexual conquests.

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if James Comer seems a little short-tempered these days, maybe it’s because everything he touches blows right the fuck up in his big vapid face — his hearings are clownish shitshows, nobody wants to be his friend any more, and even god-mad zealot Holy Mike Johnson admits that there’s no evidence with which to impeach Joe Biden.

but there’s one thing that Comer really doesn’t want anyone asking about: why he loaned his brother two hundred thousand dollars.

during another one of Jim’s tiresome farces yesterday, Florida Rep. Jared Moskowitz decided that he’d had just about enough of Comer’s bullshit.

During a hearing focused on oversight of the U.S. General Services Administration (GSA), Moskowitz referenced a loan that President Biden made to his brother, which the committee has been looking into as part of the probe into Biden’s family finances. He said Comer has “gone on Fox News and told people that, while the president was out of office, he had a loan with his brother, and in a way, they were evading taxes.”

“It has come out in the public, that you also do business with your brother with potential loans,” Moskowitz continued. “And so, since you have framed that and manipulated that with the American people, that Joe Biden did something wrong when he wasn’t in office, I just would like to know if you would like to use some of my time—”

at which point Little Jimmy Hothead melted straight the fuck down and the two began shouting over each other.

The Florida Democrat later tried to reclaim his time, which then was followed by the two congressmen going back and forth in a fiery exchange.

“You look like a Smurf, here, just going around and all this stuff,” Comer at one point said to Moskowitz, seemingly referencing his blue suit and tie.

“Gargamel was very angry today,” Moskowitz later quipped on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, referencing the main villain of the Smurfs universe.

“you look like a smurf.”

great stuff, Jimmy. you should help Congresswoman Sporkfoot work on her material, because …

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Marjorie Three Toes Greene is finally waking up to the fact that even her own party sees her as the unserious buffoon that she is, and boy is she pissed.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga.) called fellow GOP Rep. Darrell Issa (Calif.) a pussy Tuesday after he attacked her for lacking the “maturity and experience” to understand the proper way to bring an impeachment vote against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas.

so, basically:

Issa: “Marge, you lack maturity and experience.”
Greene: “yeah, well you’re a pussy.”

Greene responded with a social media post suggesting her California colleague was lacking in a certain area that she implied with various emojis of balls from different sports.

way to prove the congressman’s point, Sporky.

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meanwhile, Toxic Masculinity Day in the halls of Congress continued. Republican Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma took one look at what was going on in the House and said yo, give me a piece of that action.

A congressional hearing devolved into an angry confrontation between a senator and a witness on Tuesday after Republican Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma challenged Sean O’Brien, the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, to “stand your butt up” and settle longstanding differences right there in the room.

what the fuck is going on? did someone put meth in the Capitol Building’s water coolers?

Mullin: “sir, this is a time, this is a place. you want to run your mouth? we can be two consenting adults. we can finish it here.”
O’Brien: “ok, that’s fine. perfect.”
Mullin: “want to do it now?”
O’Brien: “I’d love to do it right now.”
Mullin: “well, stand your butt up, then.”
O’Brien: “you stand your butt up.”
Mullin: [stands up]
Bernie Sanders: “hold on, hold on. stop it. no, no, sit down. sit down. you know, you’re a United States Senator. sit down. [bangs gavel”

that’s right, everybody’s crabby grandfather, Bernie Sanders, had to stop what looked like was going to be an actual fistfight in the well of the Senate.

sit the fuck down, Markwayne. do not make Bernie come over there.

my god. and they say that women are too emotional to be in government.

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my grateful thanks and enduring affection goes to Ms. Spouse, who, when I asked her which was better, “the House needs a referee” or “the House needs a kindergarten teacher,” thought about it for a moment, and answered “the House needs a nun with a ruler.”