holy shit, Mike Johnson is one fucked-up weirdo

the more you know, the more you don’t want to know

the fire-hose of fucked-up news about our House Speaker just won’t let up, and quite frankly, we may be reaching the “too much information” phase with Mike Johnson, because — holy shit — this is one weird homie.

did you know that Holy Mike is seriously into wanting to know when other dudes are choking the chicken?

you read that right: Mikey-Jo is an avid enthusiast of an app called “Covenant Eyes” — which is basically spyware that sits on your phone and the instant you start looking at porn, it sends out an alert to your “accountability partner.”

at which point, I guess, they’re supposed to ring your phone and say “yo bro, I know you’re slamming the ham, cut that shit out.”

because what healthy, well-adjusted person doesn’t want everyone to know when they’re throttling the trouser trout?

I mean, it’s right there in the Bible.

‘verily I say unto you,’ spake Jesus, ‘spy on thy neighbor’s jack-off high-jinks.’

now here’s where this heartwarming story takes a turn for the worse — because guess who Holy Mike’s “accountability partner” is: his 17-year-old son. that’s right — every time Mike starts getting busy with himself, little Jack Johnson’s phone starts buzzing.

yes, it’s that magical time in every teenage boy’s life when he gets an alert telling him his father is polishing the bishop.

and Speaker Mike is out there bragging about it.

“it sends a report to your accountability partner. my accountability partner right now is Jack, my son. he’s 17. so he and I get a report about all the things that are on our phones, all of our devices, once a week. if anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice. I’m proud to tell ya, my son has got a clean slate.” 

excuse me, but what the chicken-fried fuck?

what is this guy’s obsession with what’s going on in everyone’s bedroom?

why is he so hot to ban contraception?

why is he so opposed to LGBTQ adoption?

why is he trying to criminalize healthcare?

why is he trying to turn America into a theocracy?

and why is Mike Johnson so heavily into conversion therapy?

methinks Holy Mike doth protest too much.

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look, I have no beef with religion. the world is a terrifying place that makes no sense, and if belief in a higher power keeps you sane, go for it.

but the minute you start imposing your creepy medieval notions on other people, count me the fuck out.

bluenose busybodies like Mike Johnson belong nowhere near the levers of power.

hey, how about an app where every time some god-mad shithead tries to take away our rights — or turn America into The Handmaid’s Tale on steroids — it sends an alert to your phone?

it would never stop fucking buzzing, would it?