holy shit, Jenna Ellis pleads guilty in Georgia. tick fucking tock, Donny

and Donald gives a batshit speech in New Hampshire

HOLY SHIT, BREAKING NEWS: Jenna Ellis has become the fourth domino to fall in the Big Georgia Election Fuckery Trial — and she threw Rudy Colludy straight under the bus while pleading guilty.

here’s her statement to the court:

“as an attorney who is also a Christian, I take my responsibilities as a lawyer very seriously, and I endeavor to be a person of sound moral and ethical character in all of my dealings. in the wake of the 2020 presidential election, I believed that challenging the results on behalf of President Trump should be pursued in a just and legal way. I endeavored to represent my client to the best of my ability.

“I relied on others, including lawyers with many more years of experience to provide me with true and reliable information, especially since my role involved speaking to the media and to legislators in various states. what I did not do but should have done, your honor, was to make sure that the facts the other lawyers alleged to be true, were in fact true. in the frenetic pace of attempting to raise challenges to the election in several states — including Georgia — I failed to do my due diligence. I believe in and I value election integrity.

“if I knew then what I know now, I would have declined to defend Donald Trump in these post-election challenges. I look back on this whole experience with deep remorse. for those failures of mine, your honor, I have taken responsibility already, before the Colorado Bar, who censured me, and I now take responsibility before this court and apologize to the people of Georgia. thank you.”

got that? Jenna is blaming her woes on “lawyers with many more years of experience.” here’s a hint as to whom she’s talking about: his name rhymes with ‘Rudy Giuliani.’

but instead of getting sound legal advice, she got farted on.

Rudy was unavailable for comment, passed out under a pile of empty vodka bottles.

Jenna pleaded guilty to one single count of “aiding and abetting false statements/writings” — another sweetheart deal that can only mean more bad news for Donald Trump.

that brings us down to just three remaining top-level co-conspirators who have yet to flip: Mark Meadows, Jeffrey Clark, and Rudy Polluty. who’s next?

now, let’s get back to what I was in the middle of writing before this news came down.

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Little Donny Fuckface was in New Hampshire yesterday and his brain worms must have been singing in perfect four-part harmony, because he gave a speech that — even by Trumpian standards — was stark barking bonkers.

here’s Trump talking about how much he’d like to punch Joe Biden in the face.

“I’d hit him right in that fake nose. that fake nose, he’d have plastic lying all over the floor.”

excuse me, what in actual fuck?

this shithead with fake teeth, lifts in his shoes, a girdle and an extra-large adult diaper, a quart of bronzer sloppily slathered all over his big dumb pumpkin face, and some fucked-up rat’s nest of who the fuck even knows what that cotton candy bullshit is on top of his empty head — he’s accusing Joe Biden of having a fake nose?

remember, every accusation is actually a confession with this guy — is there something going on with Donny’s adderall-ravaged nose that we don’t know about?

yes please, let’s all watch Trump — the guy who gets winded walking from the golf cart to the green — the guy who needs to hold a general’s hand while gingerly making his way down a gentle ramp — let’s see those tiny little fists go even one round against Joe Biden.

hell, put it on pay-per-view. we could retire the national debt.

Trump is always going on about what a tough hombre he is — remember when he bragged that he would rush into a school unarmed to stop an active shooter? I have two words: bull and shit.

I don’t remember Cadet Bone Spurs being so gung-ho to fight when he was asked to defend his country, do you?

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oh, and Donny is rolling out a sure-fire campaign strategy that can’t miss: don’t vote.

I shit you not.

“you don’t have to vote. don’t worry about voting.”

I’m liking this idea! MAGA, if any of you are reading this, please listen to your One And True President, and absolutely do stay home on election day. Donny doesn’t need your vote — he said so! and remember: Donald Trump would never lie to you.

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now check out this crowning moment of awesome:

post-speech, as Trump makes his way to his limo, a hero with a bullhorn starts shouting “lock him up, lock him up” — and RBSN quickly cuts to a commercial.

locking Trump up and throwing the key down a sewer grate — that’s another great idea that I think we can all get behind.