holy shit, Donald Trump’s guilty verdicts have broken every Republican brain
this weekend in stupid
today is Day Four of the MAGA cult meltdown in the wake of Little Donny Convict’s guilty verdicts, and their thermonuclear hissy shows no sign of abating. let’s do a survey of the carnage.
oh look, the Very Serious Conservatives at the Heritage Foundation — the dangerous dipshits behind Project 2025 — have hung their flag upside down, which we all know is the international symbol for we’re having an argument with our neighbors.
the Foundation is now disavowing the flag, saying that it was put up without their knowledge by Mrs. Heritage Foundation. she loves flying flags, what can you do?
now let’s do a wellness check on Senate Republicans. oh dear, it seems they’re refusing to work with Democrats until they free Dear Leader.
the signees, of course, are the biggest pantloads in the party. Mike Lee. JD Vance. Tommy the failed football coach. Marsha Bag O’Hair.
someone please explain to me how this changes anything. these shitfucks already filibuster every piece of Democratic legislation — so what now, they’re going to filibuster twice as hard?
wingnut screech-monkey Laura Loomer spent the weekend having a perfectly normal one.
I SWEAR by ALL that is GOOD and HOLY that I will HANDCUFF MYSELF to RIKER'S ISLAND CORRECTIONAL FACILITY if they throw President TRUMP in that HELLHOLE of a PRISON!!!!!! I'VE DONE IT ONCE BEFORE AT TWITTER HQ, AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!!! The only difference this time is the stakes are MUCH higher for MYSELF and for AMERICA!!!! I WILL GO TO JAIL FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP!!! And EVERYONE else should be willing to go to JAIL for him too!!!!
yes, please Laura, do this. try to handcuff yourself to the prison at Rikers. see how close you can get before you’re tackled by a half dozen police officers who will be only too happy to do the handcuffing for you. it will be the quickest round of fuck around and find out ever.
as Laura reminds us, she once protested being banned from Twitter by handcuffing herself to the Twitter building. Twitter employees ignored her and used a different entrance. after a couple of hours, Laura got bored and asked police to use a bolt-cutter to free her.
trust me, the authorities at Rikers will be much more proactive.
do it, Laura. please.
the Sunday shows were flooded with Trump flunkies.
here’s Trump lawyer Will Scharf on George Stephanopoulos’s show. in a 90-second clip, Scharf manages to not say one single true thing.
Scharf: “we contest elections at the ballot box, not in the courts in this country.”
Stephanopoulos: “that is true, but we’ve never had a presidential candidate facing the kind of charges that the president faced, because of his own activities. and of course, the Attorney General in Manhattan has nothing to do with the Department of Justice. finally, what do you expect from the sentencing process?”
Scharf: “I vehemently disagree that the District Attorney in New York was not politically motivated here, and I vehemently disagree that President Biden and his political allies aren’t up to their necks in this prosecution. I think—”
Stephanopoulos: “there’s no evidence of that, sir. I’m not going to let you continue to say that. there’s just zero evidence of that. the DA in Manhattan is elected.”
holy shit, is it possible to have less charisma than Will Scharf? he just sucks all the energy out of the room as he drones on in that monotone.
nonetheless, this is the Republican talking point — that Sleepy Brandon cooked up this whole scheme to prosecute a political rival. never mind that the hush money investigation was opened while Trump was president and Biden was a private citizen.
so which is it, dipshits? is Sleepy Brandon so demented that he doesn’t know what day it is, or is he such a mastermind that he engineered a years-long persecution of Dear Leader from the deck of his beach house in Delaware?
pick one inane fantasy and stick with it.
now let’s go to the other Trump lawyer, Todd Blanche.
Hannity: “last question: will you go to the appellate court? the Supreme Court? both?”
Blanche: “if we can go right to the Supreme Court, that’s what we’re gonna do.”
“if” is doing a fuck-ton of heavy lifting in Blanche’s statement, because no, you can’t go directly to the Supreme Court, and Blanche knows it. he’s just throwing red meat to Hannity’s audience.
what happened to Todd Blanche? in 2022, he was a registered Democrat living in New York. in 2023, he pulled up stakes, moved his whole family to Florida and registered as a Republican, so he could be one of Trump’s ace team of parking garage lawyers.
and for what? Todd has poured gas all over his reputation and put a match to it. he’s a joke now. a MAGA clown, appearing on all the cable shows to dance for his puppet-master.
Todd, bro, can we talk? take a good look at Rudy Giuliani. is that where you want to end up?
once a weasel, always a weasel. here’s Kevin McCarthy on Manu Raju’s show.
Raju: “is it a good idea for the Republican party to nominate a convicted felon?”
McCarthy: “the answer is 100% yes.”
Jesse Watters’ mom is a national hero.
“my mom is celebrating. she texted me that she was dancing after the verdict. dancing. and then she kept texting me all day ‘34 … 34 … 34’ — felony counts.”
as for Little Donny Convict, he’s so far lost in his thick haze of dementia that Fox News can no longer trust putting him on live TV. this weekend, they aired a heavily-edited pre-taped interview with Trump, and despite the editing, he still was an incoherent fucking mess. there were instances where Donny couldn’t finish a complete thought, and the tape would cut him off mid-sentence. the whole thing is here, if you can bear to watch it.
but there were still some nuggets of batshit insanity.
“when they say that the seas will rise over the next 400 years one-eighth of an inch, which means basically you have a little more beachfront property.”
bro, your shitty Florida golf motel is going to be underwater within a couple of decades. but cool story, you demented old fuck.
here’s Donny, desperately trying to memory-hole eight years of screaming LOCK HER UP.
“you famously said, regarding Hillary Clinton, ‘lock her up.’”
“I didn’t say ‘lock her up.’”
shut the fuck up, you lying bag of shit. don’t even pretend you never said ‘lock her up.’
here, courtesy of the good folks at Mediaite, is a supercut of Trump saying ‘lock her up’ literally a skillionty times.
you’re going to hear a lot from the wingnut howler monkeys about how Trump’s felony conviction will guarantee his victory in November. don’t buy their stinky horse shit. remember, these are the same halfwits who assured us that Trump’s first impeachment guaranteed his re-election in 2020, and that his second impeachment guaranteed a giant red wave in the 2022 midterms.
it was hogwash then, and it’s hogwash now.
in fact, the first polls taken following the verdict show nothing but bad news for Donny.
In addition to the approval of the verdict, a significant portion (49%) of independents polled think Trump should drop out of the 2024 race given his guilty verdict. Roughly 15% of Republican voters polled said the same, and even 8% of respondents who identified as Trump supporters thought he should suspend his campaign.
oopsies! the poll found that even 8% of MAGA wants Trump to drop out. that’s not a large number, but Donny can’t afford to lose any voters. 8% of MAGA staying home this November would be a disaster for him.
boo fucking hoo.
I was going to call Scharf an 'engery vampire' and insert a pic of Colin Robinson — and then I decided it was too obscure a reference, so I didn't.
flash poll question: was I wrong?
It enrages me that every MAGA dipshit with a mouth seems to be able to get media coverage. Why don’t they ever interview any of the people who think Trump deserves prison like anyone else?