holy shit, Donald Trump is so fucking fuuuuucked
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holy shit, Donald Trump is so fucking fuuuuucked
an annotated guide to Trump confessing to crimes
it’s game over, folks.
last night, CNN got their hands on the audio tape we’ve all been talking about: Donald Trump waving stolen classified war plans in the faces of two astonished visitors to his shabby bedbug-ridden New Jersey golf motel.
the conversation starts off normally enough, with Trump apparently whining about his “bad sick” enemies. (oh my god, can you imagine having to sit there and listen to this corroded old douchebag bitch and moan.)
Trump: “these are bad, sick people, but …”
staffer: “that was your coup, you know, against you. that …”
Trump: “well, it started right at the….”
staffer: like when Milley is talking about ‘oh, you were going to try to do a coup.’ no, they were trying to do that before you were even sworn in.”
unidentified speaker: “that’s right”
staffer: “trying to overthrow your election.”
Trump: "well, with Milley—uh, let me see that, I’ll show you an example. he said that I wanted to attack Iran.”
[papers shuffling]
ok, wait just one minute. think about this: Trump is sitting at his desk, talking to two randos, and the the whole time, the stolen classified war plans are sitting right there in the open, where any passing dipshit can see them?
Trump: “isn’t this amazing. I have a big pile of papers …”
stolen papers, jackass.
“… this thing just came up. look. [shuffles papers] this was him. they presented me this — this is off the record —”
off the record? you’re being recorded, moron.
“… but they presented me this. this was him. this was the Defense Department and him.”
good fucking god, does this guy ever do anything besides complain?
writer: “wow.”
Trump: “we looked at some. this was him. this wasn’t done by me, this was him. all sorts of stuff, pages long. look.”
staffer: “mm.”
Trump: “wait a minute, let’s see here. [papers shuffling]”
unidentified speaker: “oh my gosh.”
staffer: [laughter]: “yeah.”
Trump: “I just found, isn’t that amazing? this totally wins my case, you know.”
totally wins what ‘case,’ you rotting old gasbag?
staffer: “mm-hmm.”
Trump: “except it is like, highly confidential.”
*record scratch* wut???
staffer: “yeah. [laughter]”
ha ha, someone’s going to prison.
Trump: “secret. this is secret information...”
correction: it was secret information. until you just blabbed about it. holy shit.
“… look, look at this. you attack, and …”
staffer: “Hillary would print that out all the time, you know.”
Hillary? what the fuck does the email lady have to do with this. you people are so fucking obsessed.
Trump: “she’d send it.”
staffer: “her private emails.”
Trump: “no, she’d send it to Anthony Weiner.”
multiple: “[laughter] yeah.”
ha ha ha ha, someone’s going to prison.
Trump: “the pervert.”
takes one to know one, pussygrabber.
staffer: “please print.”
Trump: “by the way, isn’t that incredible?”
staffer: “yeah.”
Trump: “I was just thinking, because we were talking about it. and you know, he said ‘he wanted to attack Iran, and what…’”
Trump: “these are the papers.”
one more time: why the fuck do you keep war plans on your desk? why is this national security risk carrying stolen war plans all the way from his shitty Florida golf motel up to his equally shitty New Jersey golf motel and wife cemetery, and leaving out them on his desk for any passing doofus to see? for what purpose?
staffer: “you did.”
Trump: “this was done by the military and given to me. uh, I think we can probably, right?”
staffer: “I don’t know, we’ll have to see. yeah, we’ll have to try to ….”
Trump: “declassify it.”
staffer: “figure out a—yeah.”
Trump: “see, as president, I could have declassified it.”
staffer: “yeah. [laughter].”
crimes are so funny.
Trump: “now I can’t, you know.”
by the way, there’s a complex legal term that lawyers and prosecutors use for a statement like this. it’s called A FUCKING CONFESSION.
staffer: “yeah. [laughter] now we have a problem.”
the problem is called “staying out of prison.”
Trump: “isn’t that interesting?”
staffer: “yeah.”
Trump: “it’s so cool. I mean, it’s so, her and I, and you probably almost didn’t believe me. but now you believe me.”
I believe you’ve just fucking confessed to a crime, that’s what I believe.
writer: “no, I belived you.”
Trump: “it’s incredible, right?”
writer: “no, they never met a war they didn’t want.”
Trump: “hey, bring some, uh, bring some Cokes in, please.”
because Crimes Go Better With Coke™.
let’s check in on Dear Leader and see how he’s coping with the news this morning.
oh Donny, you sad idiot. that’s not how any of this works.
and by the way, it’s spelled Biden, you deteriorating old dipshit.
holy shit, Donald Trump is so fucking fuuuuucked
His story really would be a tragic one if he wasn't such an enormous douchebag that you know he deserves every single hardship he faces.
Because somewhere along the line, he makes all his own problems. Dude was born rich. Could have kept to himself, done anything, fucked off, had an easy life, and died happy.
But no, he wanted more. More money. More attention. More sex. More drugs. A little humility and appreciation for all that he was born into would have gone a long way. His own greed ruined his life.
And all along for the entire ride he's been a vicious prick. Some people still love that image or whatever but he still wants more attention every day. Even after being on the news every week almost ten years running.
There isn't enough suffering in the world to visit upon him that would make him experience all the grief his actions have caused others, so any little dose of karma like this is a delicious treat.
I want to see Trump’s pardons overturned, especially to that whore Manafort, speaking of foreign millions.