hey GOP — fuck straight off with this ‘stolen valor’ bullshit

go clean up your own house

in 1981, two days after his 17th birthday, Tim Walz — future Congressman, running mate, and couch-joke aficionado — joined the Army National Guard.

he spent the next 24 years of his life as a Guardsman, eventually rising to the rank of master sergeant.

in 2005, Walz retired from the Guard in order to run for Congress.

in any normal world, this would be the end of the story — but we don’t live in a normal world. we live in the stupidest fucking timeline possible — one that’s overrun with vile Republicans.

stolen valor, Republicans are screaming. Tim Walz sucks! he stole valor!

don’t believe a word of this stolen valor nonsense, because — as usual — these straw-grasping shitheads are lying their fucking faces off.

here’s what these bellyachers want you to be all worked up about: in March 2005, Walz filed paperwork to run for Congress and made clear his intentions to retire from the Guard. four months later, in July, it was announced that his former unit was to be deployed to Iraq in 2006 — making Walz guilty of the heinous crime of luck.

The timeline is clear: Walz’s congressional campaign issued a statement in March 2005 saying he still planned to run despite a possible mobilization of Minnesota National Guard soldiers to Iraq. Walz submitted his Guard retirement papers in May 2005. The unit’s first call-up notice came in July 2005, and the regiment deployed in March 2006.

there was nothing unusual or underhanded about Walz’s decision to retire.

Joseph Eustice, a 32-year veteran of the Guard who led the same battalion as Walz, said the governor fulfilled his duty.

“He was a great soldier,” Eustice said. “When he chose to leave, he had every right to leave.”

you’ll never guess which Republican shitstain is whining (and lying) the loudest.

that’s right, it’s Couchfuck McGee.

“You know what really bothers me about Tim Walz? When the US Marine Corps asked me to go to Iraq to serve my country, I did it. When Tim Walz was asked by his country to go to Iraq, he dropped out of the Army and allowed his unit to go without him. I think that's shameful.”

Couchfuck, of course, is playing fast and loose with the facts. Tim Walz was never ordered to Iraq. his former unit was mobilized after he retired. there’s no indication at all that Walz had any foreknowledge of what was to come.

but while we’re on the subject, let’s check out how JD Vance spent his time in the military. oh wait, did I say JD Vance? I meant to say James D. Hamel.

Mr. Vance, who then went by the name James D. Hamel, was assigned to the Second Marine Aircraft Wing, one of the Marine Corps’ largest subordinate commands that oversees aircraft such as fighter jets and helicopters. He was deployed to Iraq in 2005 and 2006 with the aircraft wing but did not see combat.

for chrissakes, how many fucking aliases has this guy run through in his sketchy life?

His official military occupation, known as a combat correspondent, meant he was tasked with basic communication roles such as writing articles about the happenings in his unit.

so JD — oops, I mean James D. — spent his deployment in an air-conditioned office, hunched over a laptop.

there’s nothing dishonorable about lucking out and landing a cush desk job — but jeez, Louise, it’s time for Sergeant Scribbles to stop pointing his finger at someone else’s military record.

when James D. Hamel JD Vance was called out for his dissembling, he very predictably threw a great big hissy.

CNN’s Brianna Keilar suggested that Vance was an “imperfect messenger” to attack Walz’s military history given the senator also never saw combat and was more of a “public affairs specialist.”

In reply, Vance wrote on X: “It’s easy to sit in the comfort and safety of a CNN studio and trivialize the service of countless men and women who risked their lives.”

wow, JD really has a problem with being called out by a woman. why isn’t fetus incubator Brianna Keilar showing proper deference to a man?

if Vance and his despicable ilk are in search of deserving targets at whom to shout stolen valor, they might want to look within their own party.

they could start with this guy.

U.S. Army veteran who has investigated Republican Representative Troy Nehls for stolen valor told Newsweek that the Texas congressman’s actions are “a slap in the face” to the military community.

On Wednesday, Nehls’s office announced that he would no longer wear a lapel pin he’s donned since at least 2021 that is given to infantrymen or Special Forces who fought in active combat, known as a Combat Infantryman Badge (CIB). He's faced a wave of criticism in recent months from military vets and even House Republicans who have questioned his motives and explanation for wearing a badge he now admits was rescinded.

they might also want to look at Donny Convict’s day-drunk pill-mill doctor, Ronny Jackson, who still calls himself an admiral — even though he was demoted to the rank of captain for bringing shame to his uniform.

A retired Navy medical officer who served for years as a top White House physician has touted himself as a retired rear admiral during his post-service political career.

But after he retired, Rep. Ronny Lynn Jackson, R-Texas, was bumped down to the rank of captain, or O-6, nearly two years ago, according to service records and a defense official.

here’s how Ronny earned his demotion.

“We concluded that [Rear Adm.] Jackson’s overall course of conduct toward subordinates disparaged, belittled, bullied, and humiliated them, and fostered a negative work environment by failing to treat subordinates with dignity and respect,” according to a Pentagon IG statement at the time of the report’s release. “We also concluded that [Rear Adm.] Jackson failed to conduct himself in an exemplary manner in his treatment of subordinates throughout his tenure at WHMU. His treatment of subordinates created a negative work environment that witnesses said made an unfavorable impact on the overall command climate.”

look at this disgrace’s not-twitter bio — he’s still calling himself a ‘retired rear admiral.’

that’s not just stealing valor — that’s throwing valor to the ground and taking a big steaming dump on it.

now let’s talk about the guy who never had any valor to begin with — stolen or otherwise.

you know who I’m talking about: the five-time draft-dodging coward who, when asked by his country to serve, got his daddy to pay a quack doctor to gin up a bullshit note about imaginary bone spurs.

President Donald Trump acknowledged to advisors that he made up a fake injury to avoid military service, because “I wasn’t going to Vietnam,” his former lawyer told lawmakers during testimony on Wednesday.

the guy who said that “avoiding STDs” was his “personal Vietnam.”

the guy who blew off a war memorial because it was drizzling and he didn’t want his piss-stained comb-over to get wet.

President Donald Trump canceled a planned visit to a cemetery for Americans killed in World War I, the White House said, citing bad weather.

the guy who called fallen war heroes “suckers and losers.”

the guy who mocked Nancy Pelosi Nikki Haley because her husband, an active-duty soldier, is deployed overseas.

“Where’s her husband? Oh, he’s away. … What happened to her husband? Where is he? He’s gone,” Trump said at his rally in Conway, his first visit to the state this year.

Michael Haley is deployed in Africa with the South Carolina Army National Guard in support of the United States Africa Command, his second active-duty deployment overseas.

the guy who chewed out General Mark Milley for bringing a disabled veteran to an event, telling Milley that “no one wants to see that.”

It had rained that day, and the ground was soft; at one point Avila’s wheelchair threatened to topple over. Milley’s wife, Holly­anne, ran to help Avila, as did Vice President Mike Pence. After Avila’s performance, Trump walked over to congratulate him, but then said to Milley, within earshot of several witnesses, “Why do you bring people like that here? No one wants to see that, the wounded.” Never let Avila appear in public again, Trump told Milley.

yeah, that guy.

Republicans are lying about Tim Walz because they can’t run on their own records. they can’t talk openly about what they plan to do if Donny Convict regains power — because ‘we’re going to end democracy and take away your freedoms’ is a tough sell in America.

it’s time for Republicans to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

go clean your own house and stop smearing a decent man who served with honor for twenty-four years.