happy Donald Trump Arraignment Day to all who celebrate

enjoy your day in court, Donny

Donald Trump, you stupid fucking idiot.

none of this had to happen. none of it.

you could be at one of your shitty vermin-infested golf motels right now, driving your cart right up onto the green, but instead, you’re in deep shit, spending the day in front of a judge.

and you have no one but yourself to blame.

you could have never stolen the documents in the first place. they never belonged to you.

but that simple concept — these things are not mine — is foreign to you. because you are a spoiled, imperious child who never learned that grasping something in your freakishly undersized hands does not automatically make it yours.

when the National Archives asked you to return the files you stole, you could have shrugged it off as an honest mistake — my bad! my people packed in a hurry, and I didn’t even know I had this stuff. here, take it all, it’s yours — and all would have been forgiven and forgotten. it would have never been a story at all.

but you’re a weak, fragile man and you needed your trophies. you needed something to brag about to your golf cronies. something to wave in the faces of randos, something to puff yourself up about.

and when the Archives came asking a second time, you could have once again claimed it was an honest mistake — but you didn’t. you said outright that indeed, you took the documents, because they belonged to you, and in doing that, you fucked yourself. there goes your “oops, I didn’t know I had them” defense.

the Archives gave you multiple chances to comply. the Department of Justice showed you deference you didn’t deserve. how did you respond?

by hiding boxes. by moving boxes. by sorting through boxes. by lying about having already returned the boxes.

and when finally you were subpoenaed, did you at long last comply? no, you did the whole song and dance all over again.

and let’s talk about this: you stacked boxes in the tackiest fucking bathroom that anyone has ever seen. Jesus Christ, man, what were you thinking?

why, Donald? why did you keep digging yourself a deeper hole when you were given every opportunity to just. return. the. fucking. boxes.

were you planning on selling state secrets? did you sell state secrets?

or is it simply that you’re so fucking broken, so damaged inside, that you needed to be surrounded by totems of power? must you have constant reminders that once upon a time, long ago, you were somebody?

are you that needy?

that’s just fucking sad.

and, finally, you lied to your lawyers. do you not grasp how monumentally fucking stupid that is? no lawyer wants to become a defendant. no wonder they all quit on you. and now, on the day of your arraignment, you’re stuck with shitty dime-store lawyers, because you’re too fucking toxic for any respectable attorney to handle.

enjoy your day in court, Donny.

you built that.