Handy Oakley’s days in Congress are numbered as the House GOP freaks the fuck out

boo fucking hoo

the House GOP is in total disarray and it’s super fucking hilarious.

right now, House Republicans are running around the halls of Congress with their pants around their ankles and soup pots on their heads and banging the fuck into the walls and each other — it’s twenty-megaton clownshoes bedlam.

they’re resigning left and right. their majority is shrinking. half the them hate the guts of the other half — every single one of them is an incompetent imbecile who couldn’t govern their way out of a paper bag.

the collective IQ of the whole worthless lot of them couldn’t generate enough wattage to warm a leftover slice of pizza, which makes it all the more amusing to watch them freak the fuck out and melt down into a rancid puddle of stupid.

the latest round of panic started when Ken Buck — who had previously announced that he would resign at the end of his term — just fucking up and said he was quitting as of right now, clearing out his office and going home next week. goodbye and good luck, assholes, I’m outta here.

it was a huge fuck you to his entire party, but at the same time it was a heat-seeking fuck you aimed straight at Holy Mike Johnson and noted trouser-snake charmer Handy Oakley.

it’s a fuck you to Holy Mike because it cuts the House GOP’s already razor-thin majority — but also because of the way Buck delivered it: via a voicemail. wait, it gets even better: Buck quit in a voicemail that Johnson didn’t listen to, so when reporters asked him for his reaction to Buck quitting, Holy Mike was all huh, what?

“I didn’t know,” Johnson said, according to Beavers.

In response, Buck’s office told Beavers that the congressman had called Johnson and left a voicemail about his decision half an hour before announcing it, to try and give him a heads-up.

and it’s a fuck you to Handy Oakley because it completly screws her chances of remaining in Congress.

Since Buck is retiring before the end of the term, a special election now must be held in order to fill his seat. It takes place on the same day as the Republican primary, June 25.

In order for Boebert to run in the special election, she would have to resign from her current seat, something she said today that she’s decided against.

That means another Republican must occupy Buck’s 4th-district seat for the remaining six months of Buck’s term via the special election. To make the situation more confusing, Boebert will be running in the Republican primary for the 4th-district seat. 

Per the Times, it means that “she needs to convince Republican voters in her newly-adopted district to vote for one Republican in the special election against a Democrat, while simultaneously voting for her in the primary…” all on the same day.

Good luck with that. 

Handy is polling dead last in her new district — so indeed, good luck with that.

Oakley reacted as all Republicans now react when current events go against them — she whined that everything is rigged against her.

“the uniparty is trying to do everything that they can to stop my candidacy, to rig the election in Colorado, and uh, y’know, this is breaking news as of yesterday. Ken Buck’s announcement yesterday was a gift to the uniparty.”

oh Handy, get the fuck over yourself. you’re not some dangerous revolutionary that the ‘deep state’ is trying to silence. you’re an ingorant clown and a human trash bag and your constituents are tired of your embarassing antics.

but look at the bright side: once you’re out of office, you can go back to serving diarrhea sliders. oh wait, no you can’t. your shitty gun-themed restaurant went out of business. too bad, so sad.

and shed not a tear for Ken Buck. when he complains that government is broken, bear in mind that as one of the original gang of Tea Partiers, Ken has done just as much as anyone to create the current congressional chaos.

Buck came to Washington to fuck shit up, and fuck shit up he did — and now he has the nerve to complain about all this dysfunction. bye bye Ken, don’t let the door hit you.

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and then there’s this: nobody wants to go to Holy Mike’s congressional retreat at the Greenbriar Resort in West Virginia. fewer than 100 Republicans will be in attendance.

these retreats used to be held in Florida, and … well, did you think Madison Cawthorn was kidding when he described them as “cocaine-fueled orgies”?

those halcyon days are no more. Holy Mike has banned the debauchery and has turned the retreats into prayer meetings. no, seriously. at the last gathering, Johnson forced everyone to sit through a dreary sermon.

Johnson, a devout Christian, attempted to rally the group by discussing moral decline in America — focusing on declining church membership and the nation’s shrinking religious identity, according to both people in the room.

The speaker contended that when one doesn’t have God in their life, the government or “state” will become their guide, referring back to Bible verses, both people said. They added that the approach fell flat among some in the room.

“I’m not at church,” one of the people said, describing Johnson’s presentation as “horrible.”

and then there’s that little issue of half the House GOP hating the other half. none of these fuckers want to be in the same room with each other.

here’s how one Republican described the prospect of hanging out with his homies:

“I'd rather sit down with Hannibal Lecter and eat my own liver,” the source said.

Republicans, you have no one to blame but yourselves. what the fuck did you think was going to happen when you elected a god-bothering zealot to be House Speaker?

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and lastly, the trumpification of the RNC has begun.

the wholly-owned subsidiary of the Trump Organization formerly known as the Republican National Committee has made its first hire: election-truther and justice-obstructor Christina Bobb.

Christina Bobb, who has served on the Trump campaign’s legal team and is a prominent figure in pushing the GOP’s unfounded claims of a stolen 2020 election, will serve as senior counsel for election integrity, the source said.

how fucking awesome. one the dim bulbs behind the fake electors scheme is now in charge of election integrity.

One America News anchor Christina Bobb assisted Rudy Giuliani on the Trump campaign’s outlandish plan to submit rival Republican elector slates to affirm then-President Donald Trump’s victory in five states President Joe Biden won.

totally cool, and not at all frightening. George Orwell, wherever he is, must be laughing his balls off right now.

oh, and that’s not the only item on Bobb’s resume.

In 2022, she certified to the FBI that all of the relevant material sought by investigators had been turned over — information that Evan Corcoran, another Trump lawyer, told her, according to the indictment against the former president.

that’s right, Bobb lied to the FBI about Donny’s stolen classified douments.

how is she still a lawyer, and how is she not currently under indictment?