ha ha ha ha Donald Trump is broke and can’t pay his half billion dollar judgement

tough shit. seriously, fuck that guy

“first they came for Trump Tower, and I didn’t speak out— because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.”

Little Donny Luckyfuck is a slippery shithead who — up until now — has always managed to waddle out of trouble. there’s always a fangirl judge or a paid-off justice or a plutocrat crony willing to step in at the last minute with a convenient ruling or a Brinks truck full of benjamins, saving Donny from actual consequences.

well, it looks like Little Donny’s luck may have finally run out.

yesterday, Trump’s lawyers went whining to the court that Donny can’t raise the half billion he needs to cover his appeal bond for the Big Trump Family Business Fraud Fuckery judgement — and that it’s so unfair of the court to expect him to.

Donald J. Trump’s lawyers disclosed on Monday that he had failed to secure a roughly half-billion dollar bond in his civil fraud case in New York, raising the prospect that the state could seek to freeze some of his bank accounts and seize some of his marquee properties.

The court filing, coming one week before the bond is due, suggested that the former president might soon face a financial crisis unless an appeals court comes to his rescue.

it’s all so sad.

but wait — I thought Trump was a gazillionaire. didn’t the parking garage lawyer assure us only weeks ago that Donny had a big fucking pile of cash that he rolls around in like some demented Scrooge McDuck — and that your puny judgements meant nothing to him?

Newsmax dipshit “so Judge Engoron says that he wants this $350 million within 30 days. now I know that you’re planning on appealing this, but you’ve still got to put up the full amount, pending that appeal. does Donald Trump have that kind of money sitting around?”
Alina Habba: “yes. I mean he does, of course he has money. he’s a billionaire. we know that.”

spoiler alert: it turns out that as with All Things Trump, all he has to roll around in is a big pile of horse shit.

in fact, he’s broke, and he’s been running around trying to con someone — anyone — into fronting him half a billion dollars that they’ll never get back. Donny went begging to 30 different companies, and each one told him to fuck all the way off.

The former president has been unable to secure the full bond, his lawyers said in the court filing on Monday, calling it a “practical impossibility” despite “diligent efforts.” Those efforts included approaching about 30 companies that provide appeal bonds, and yet, the lawyers said, he has encountered “insurmountable difficulties.”

wouldn’t you have loved to have been a fly on the wall for those conversations?

“good morning, this is Big Al’s Appeal Bond Emporium. how can I help you?”
“hi, this is Donald Trump. I need a half billion dollars.”
[click]
“hello? hello?”

Donald Trump couldn’t find one person dumb enough to pony up the moolah — and the wingnut noise machine is fucking outraged.

“Why are there no Republican multi-billionaires offering to lend President Trump the funds to file his appeal in the outrageous case in NY state? Are none of them liquid enough to help or join with others to help?  This is an outrage.”

why? because actual billionaires don’t casually dole half-billion dollar handouts to toxic credit risks, you half-fried peanut. that’s how they became billionaires in the first place — by being parsimonious dicks.

everyone knows Trump is a deadbeat who welshes on his debts — and everyone knows someone who was ruined because they trusted Trump to do the right thing.

“My dad did the electrical on one of those buildings that trump was barely getting up to code, my dad passed all inspections, but Trump didn't pay him. It was a big job to my dad, he had to get loans he then couldn’t pay so he lost every. It ruined my family.”

Trump is so desperate, he offered to put his beloved golf motels as collateral. no such luck.

“Critical among these challenges is not just the inability and reluctance of the vast majority of sureties to underwrite a bond for this unprecedented sum, but, even more significantly, the unwillingness of every surety bond provider approached by Defendants to accept real estate as collateral,” Alan Garten, the Trump company’s general counsel, wrote in a sworn submission.

all those golf motels and gold-plated towers are already leveraged up the yin-yang with sketchy loans that Trump keeps refinancing and barely paying the interest on. they’re worthless as collateral.

so, can Donny get out of this by declaring bankruptcy? fuck no, he cannot.

“REMINDER: You CANNOT discharge debt obtained through fraud by filing for bankruptcy.”

it’s all so sad. and by “so sad,” I mean it’s super fucking hilarious.

so what does this all mean? this means that Donald Trump — always a huge national security risk — has now become a national security nightmare on steroids.

Bloomberg Opinion senior executive editor Tim O’Brien, an MSNBC political analyst and author of “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald,” observed, “Trump’s financial trap — he can’t come up with the cash to appeal his $454 million civil fraud judgment — may ravage his business. More directly: It intensifies his threat to national security by making him an easy mark for overseas interests.”

let’s connect some more dots.

Citing a Washington Post report, MSNBC’s Steve Benen writes, “it’s now ‘expected’ that Paul Manafort will be hired” to work on the Trump 2024 presidential campaign, “at least in part because the former president is ‘determined to bring Manafort back into the fold.'”

and — get ready to have your blood pressure spike — we have this:

“According to reports last week, the U.S. intelligence community is preparing to give Donald Trump classified intelligence briefings, a courtesy every White House extends to major-party candidates to ensure an effective transition. An excellent tradition—but not one that should be observed this year,” Nichols wrote at The Atlantic in a piece titled, “Donald Trump Is a National-Security Risk.”

so, great. we have flat-broke shithead desperate for cash. we have Paul Manafort, a known Russian asset and convicted money launderer, and we have a classified document thief set to be handed more classified intel.

put them all together and they spell HOLY SHIT.

do I need to draw you a fucking picture? this a recipe for disaster.

this business of letting presidential candidates in on state secrets is not a law, it’s a courtesy — a courtesy that must not be extended to Trump.

Donny has no sense of duty or patriotism. his only concern is self-preservation. how many microseconds would it take Trump to go running to Putin with fresh intel for sale?

you know, if you’re an average Joe who is a government employee, and you’re applying for security clearance, they check you out — and one of the things they check are your finances. if you have a lot of debt, they turn you down — because being in debt is a huge red flag. it makes you an easy target for spies.

if Joe Gambling Debts doesn’t deserve clearance, neither does the fuckface with a shitter full of pilfered war plans.

it’s fucking weird that we’re actually here right now, with Donny on the verge of real financial ruin. we’ve all been expecting Bone Saw Arabia or the Space Nazi to bail Trump out — half a bil would mean nothing to them — and it could still happen. but with each passing day, it seems less likely.

there are six days to go before Letitia James gets to spin the Big Wheel of Which Property Am I Seizing First.

before we go, let’s check in on the Trump Debt Counter.

as of 8:00am this morning, Trump needs to fork over $467,4238,656.63.

tick tock, chucklefuck. six days.