good news, everyone! Grand Theft Paint Chips no longer a crime

but MAGA is Big Mad at Jeanine Boxwine right now

hey folks, are you sitting down right now?

I hope you are, because it turns out that the lying liars who lied to us about Iran’s nuclear program, and lied to us about Venezuelan fishermen, and lied about tax cuts for the obscenely wealthy, and lied about how tariffs work, and lied about the state of the economy, and the crime rate of migrants, and who won the 2020 election, and Dr. Fauci’s role in the pandemic, and Dear Leader’s rotting hands, bloated cankles and deteriorating brain, and every other fucking thing under the sun, have been lying to us about this so-called vandalism of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

The justice department has moved to dismiss a criminal case charging former Olympian David Hearn with deliberately damaging the Lincoln Memorial‘ reflecting pool, instead blaming damage to the pool liner as “the result of flawed installation by the contractor.”

oh, so no big gash, huh?

where did it go? because for weeks on end, the Donnyverse wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how there was this ginormous gash like no one has ever seen, a gash like few thought possible, the gashiest gash that has ever gashed, man.

did you clock how the DOJ dropped these charges late on Friday evening, hoping that We the People wouldn’t notice? but oh, we noticed.

we fucking well noticed, because we knew all along that this whole thing was bullshit from the get-go. there was never a gash. there was never any vandalism. what there was, was a typical Donny clusterfuck. he handed a sweetheart no-bid contract to some unqualified and incompetent crony, who so royally screwed the whole thing up that within a matter of days, the entire Reflecting Pool was choked with broken pieces of liner that curious onlookers were gawking at, and picking up.

yet, how many times did that smug, cow-cosplaying dipsomaniac go on Fox News and smear the good name of Olympian David Hearn, telling the world he was guilty of the heinous crime of Grand Theft Paint Chips.

Pirro: He caused damage and that damage was over $1000.
Reporter: How do you prove that?
Pirro: With an expert.
Reporter: With his bare hands?
Pirro: We believe it’s his bare hands, both hands.
Reporter: Do you believe it was damaged before?
Pirro: He damaged it!
Reporter: Had had already been damaged before?
Pirro: He damaged the pool!

and now Jeanine is claiming no harm, no foul, because the indictment of David Hearn was all just an innocent mistake, one that anyone could have made.

Jeanine Pirro, the US attorney for the District of Columbia, said that her office had received documents from the Department of the Interior only “after the return of the indictment” showing that damage to the pool occurred prior to Hearn visiting the reflecting pool and put his hand in the water on 19 June.

how do you fuck that up?

here’s how you fuck that up: by being so horny to make headlines and get your cockeyed face on TV and please that Audience of One back in the Oval Bordello, that you rush an indictment before all the facts are in.

pro tip: that’s the opposite of justice.

no one could have predicted that an attention-addicted fake TV judge would be so crap at the job of US Attorney.

meanwhile, the Donnyverse is shitting all the bricks right now, over Boxwine’s dropping of the charges against Hearn. how dare she.

“The evidence is clear, vandals have repeatedly caused damage to the Reflecting Pool. Some of these acts were even caught on camera. We also provided the U.S. Attorney’s office expert and eyewitness testimony to the damage done by vandals and provided every piece of evidence they asked for in the requested time line detailing each area of damage at the pool.”

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, you’ll be shocked to learn, is lying his lying face off. there is no evidence, because there was no gashy-gash-gash, because there was no vandalism.

yet, because Burgum was another one of these Donnyverse fuckmuppets who put himself all over TV to spin fever-swamp fairy tales about the vandalisms, he now has to try to salvage his reputation by insisting that David Hearn and Mrs Krabappel really were in the closet making vandalisms, and he saw one of the vandalisms, and the vandalism looked at him.

meanwhile, when Preznit Fuckwit caught wind of what Jeanine Pirro was up to, he spontaneously power-loaded an infinite series of diapers.

I disagree 100% with Jeanine Pirro, the U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, on the Reflecting Pool. I don’t know what she was thinking? To me, it was a pure case of VANDALISM, that included the grass, which had a big 86 47 emblazoned in giant letters on it, and other elements of the surrounding area. There may have been some contractor difficulty, but the major damage was caused by VANDALS! President DJT

Donny was so triggered by Jeanine’s perfidy that he and the diaper nurse spent three-and-a-half rage-filled hours yesterday posting no less than 42 times to his crappy app.

in your dreams, weirdo. what kind of infantile dumbfuck posts this kind of shit onto their own social media feed. how much of a bottomless pit if need to do you have to be to unknowingly humiliate yourself like this? Jesus, how embarrassing.

here’s the thing, though: Donny and Dougie are morons, shitting their stupidity on social media. Jeanine Pirro, however, is an officer of the court, bound by rules of conduct. that makes a huge difference.

don’t take my word for it. listen to an actual lawyer:

Pirro and her staff were subject to ethics rules and contempt restrictions. They couldn’t suborn perjury.

Burgum and Trump are posting on social media. They can lie with impunity there.

Pirro might be a clownfuckingly incompetent embarrassment who fucking sucks at her job, but she is aware that if she knowingly presents false evidence in court, she’s opening herself up for a world of hurt.

listen, if Donny is so convinced that all the vandalisms were taking place, let him try the case himself. let him appear before a judge and state that, ‘your honor, I would like to submit into evidence that the pump don’t work cause the vandals took the handles.’

let’s see how that works out for him.

so now US Attorney Boxwine is 0 for 2 in high-profile cases. she couldn’t bring a conviction for Assault With a Deadly Sandwich, and her indictment for Grand Theft Paint Chips has just blown up in her inebriated face.

but she did manage to turn the lives two innocent people upside down, so she’s got that going for her. which is nice.

meanwhile, Donny and Dougie continue to be evil as fuck. they remain perfectly willing to send an innocent person to prison, rather than admit that they botched the job of refinishing the Reflecting Pool.

I don’t have to tell you just how fucking fucked up that is.

we should never normalize the idea of an entire government weaponizing itself against some innocent person, just because the president is a colicky piss-baby who can never admit culpability for any of his disasters.

what kind of shithole country arrests someone for touching water? kind kind of penny-ante fascist prosecutes someone for Grand Theft Paint Chips?

these vile shitweasels owe a huge apology to David Hearn.

they owe a huge apology to all of us.

oh, and this thing isn’t over. here’s Norm Eisen, one of Hearn’s lawyers.

This is far from over, as we consider all legal remedies.

do it.

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let’s get out of here with the Daily Claudia and have ourselves a Sunday.

here’s a triptych from our living room on December 31, 2021.

have a great Sunday, everyone. don’t commit any Grand Theft Paint Chips.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.