fuck you, you’re not a king: Donald Trump has another very shitty day in court

the DC Court of Appeals and Judge Engoron tag-team Donny

yesterday, the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit finally handed down its unanimous decision re Little Donny Fuckface’s claim that Laws Are Bullshit, I Should Get To Crime All I Want. for Donny, it couldn’t have stung any harder if the Court had rolled up its 57-page ruling and smacked him across the face with it.

“We cannot accept former President Trump’s claim that a President has unbounded authority to commit crimes that would neutralize the most fundamental check on executive power—the recognition and implementation of election results. Nor can we sanction his apparent contention that the Executive has carte blanche to violate the rights of individual citizens to vote and to have their votes count.”
— United States v. Trump, No. 23-3228, slip op. at 40 (D.C. Cir. Feb. 6, 2024) (per curiam).

this, by the way, is court-speak for “fuck you, you’re not a king.”

“It would be a striking paradox if the President, who alone is vested with the constitutional duty to ‘take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed,’ were the sole officer capable of defying those laws with impunity.”

oh my god, I think I’m overdosing on schadenfreude.

it was maddening that a no-brainer ruling took four weeks to be handed down, but evidently that’s how long it takes to draft a 57-page ruling the crosses every T and dots every I — and gives the Supreme Court every reason to agree with it, because that’s where Donald Trump’s dog-and-pony-show is headed next.

legal analysis is above my pay grade, so I’m going to let the experts speak.

here’s former US Solicitor General Neal Kaytal:

“@neal_katyal says on @MSNBC that in wake of D.C. Circuit ruling, ‘I don't think the Supreme Court's going to take this,’ and predicts SCOTUS will decline case before end of this month, allowing Trump insurrection trial to proceed this spring.”

here’s law professor and LA Times columnist Harry Litman:

“The DC circuit was careful to anchor its ruling not just in separation of powers and ability of judiciary and legislative to check the executive, but also in the right of the people to vote, which the insurrection abridged.”

MAGA world, predictably, is having a fifty-megaton meltdown over the ruling.

here’s internationally-acclaimed sex therapist and hand model Lauren Boebert.

“this is a witch hunt against president Trump. it’s absolutely unprecedented, and the woke mob, the fake news, and the leftist government officials who are engaging in this extortion should be downright ashamed of themselves.”

how about you fuck all the way off, Handy Oakley.

you have a lot of goddamned gall talking about who should be ashamed.

tell you what: how ’bout you just enjoy the time you have left before you’ve voted out of office, and stop making a fool of yourself. why not take in a play? I hear Beetlejuice the Musical is nice.

now check out this hundred-mile-an-hour outrage-torrent from Stephen Miller and tell me if you don’t think that Pee Wee German has gotten into Don Jr.’s stash of Bolivian marching powder.

“what if I find a judge and I find a prosecutor who says he opened the border to help him win reelection. to get illegal aliens to vote and he fought election integrity at DHS and DOJ as part of his conspiracy. so that’s a RICO violation, a civil rights violation, and sedition. that’s several hundred years in prison for those violations. and I have a judge and a prosecutor who also say you go to jail, Mayorkas goes to jail, everyone in your administration goes to jail, and your immunity is a worthless piece—”

holy shit. slow the fuck down bro, your heart is going to explode.

I think the point that Bargain Basement Goebbels is trying to make is that if Trump can be convicted for doing actual crimes, Biden can be convicted for doing imaginary crimes.

spite and revenge, it’s all these dinguses have left.

inexplicably-unindicted Florida sex pest Matt Gaetz is offering up a novel solution to Dear Leader’s woes: he’s introducing a resolution to declare that up is down.

“we are here today to authoritatively express that President Trump did not commit an insurrection, and we believe Congress has a unique role in making that declaration.”

good luck with that, Congressman Plankhead. I know that words don’t have meanings is kind of the GOP’s thing right now, but just try pulling that shit in a court of law.

hey, sparky — you can pretty much authortitatively shove that toothless resolution up your ass, before some judge does it for you.

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meanwhile, Judge Engoron is pissed off.

when January 31st came and went without Engoron’s promised ruling in the Big Trump Family Fraud Fuckery Trial, we were left wondering why. a vague statement followed, saying the decision might not come until the middle of Feburary.

well, it turns out the delay is because new shit has come to light, man.

Donald Trump’s expected massive loss to the New York Attorney General in his bank fraud case suddenly took a turn for the worse on Tuesday, when lies that his longtime company accountant apparently told on the stand potentially opened the door for an even more devastating multi-million dollar judgment that could destroy the Trump Organization.

In an email to the AG and Trump defense team on Monday, Justice Arthur F. Engoron asked for both sides to respond to the news that former Trump Organization chief financial officer Allen Weisselberg is secretly negotiating a guilty plea with another law enforcement agency: the Manhattan District Attorney.

wow, judges sure hate it when you lie right to their faces. who knew?

any ounce of mercy Engoron might have had for Trump just flew right the fuck out the window.

Trump faces a huge financial penalty—perhaps a quarter billion dollars or more—for persistently lying to banks and insurance companies about his wealth. But while Engoron’s final order is expected in the coming days, the news that Weisselberg lied could harden the judge’s decision to punish Trump and wipe out a substantial portion of his net worth.

Importantly, the judge noted that Weisselberg’s lies could be used to completely toss out everything he said in defense of the company—and even allow the judge to make negative inferences about the Trump Organization’s fraudulent conduct.

awesome job, Weisselberg, you just hammered a dozen more nails into your former boss’s legal coffin.

Trump’s ace team of parking garage lawyers have until 5pm today to respond.

settle in, this is going to get fun.