fuck around, find out: justice has been working overtime this week

judges have had just about enough of MAGA’s shit

holy shit, what a busy week this has been. while the travails of Little Donny Fuckface have been grabbing all the headlines, in the background, justice has been happening all around us.

congratulations to these recent graduates of the University of Fuck Around and Find Out.

---

Jan 6 moron learns why you never want to annoy a judge

most of the January 6 insurrectionists figured out pretty quickly that doing crimes for Donald Trump was the biggest fucking mistake of their lives.

as the doofus who calls himself Baked Alaska famously said, “i can't believe i'm going to jail for an nft salesman.”

but one thick-skulled traitor has failed to learn this lesson.

to this day, Brandon Fellows still insists that Trump won in 2020 and that Jan 6 was “a beautiful day.” which is fine — it’s Brandon’s right to be a delusional dipshit, and to go to prison for it.

Brandon is currently on trial for his Jan 6 dipshittery, and if you said to yourself, “a moron like that, I’ll bet he fired his lawyer and is representing himself,” bingo, you’d be exactly right. Brandon, while being cross-examined, said one thing you never want to say to a judge:

“I would expect nothing less from a kangaroo court.”

Brandon is now enjoying a 5-month jail sentence for contempt of court. that’s on top of whatever sentence Brandon will receive when he’s found guilty. (whoops, as I was writing this, Brandon has been found guilty of all charges.)

let’s go, Brandon — off to prison.

---

Rudy Colludy, part one: fork over those funds, fuckface

this has not been a good week for manic bug-eyed covid-farting hot mess Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy had been trying to stave off being brought to justice for defaming election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss. he’d been slow-walking producing documents, and generally trying to delay the inevitable as much as possible.

finally, the judge lost patience and said “that’s it, we’re done. Rudy, you’re liable as fuck. pay up.”

Rudy Colludy, part 2: as a skunk, that’s how drunk

Jack Smith has been asking witnesses just how drunk Rudy was while he was hanging around the White House. and while it’s fun for all of us to mock Rudy for being a gin-soaked rummy, you have to ask: why would Jack Smith care how soused Rudy is? what’s that got to do with his case against Trump?

for an explanation, let’s turn it over to Jay Kuo:

Here’s the thing: For an advice of counsel defense to stick, a defendant needs to satisfy a few key elements. One of them is that the client (here, Trump) needs to have made full disclosure of all the material facts to the lawyer. And that generally requires the lawyer to have actually fully understood what was conveyed.

It’s not hard to see why laying out all the facts to a lawyer blitzed off his ass would fail to qualify here. “I told my lawyer, but he was drunk” is likely not an effective advice of counsel defense.

A client also must also prove that he was acting in good faith by reasonably following that lawyer’s advice.

once again, Jack Smith is playing 12-dimensional chess while Rudy’s passed out under a pile of empty vodka bottles.

Rudy Colludy, part 3: he’s fucking broke — and friendless

turns out that being a drunk fucking trainwreck and up to your neck in legal hot water can be a bank-account-draining experience. to the surprise of absolutely no one, Rudy is broke.

how broke is Rudy? broke enough to have to sell his apartment, apparently.

Giuliani’s Upper East Side Apartment Is for Sale

Judith Giuliani, his ex-wife, said that it was “no longer a home,” while Mr. Giuliani’s lawyer told a judge recently that the former mayor was “close to broke.”

and Rudy is so toxic that none of his former friends will help him out.

“I wouldn’t give him a nickel,” said billionaire investor Leon Cooperman, who donated to Giuliani's failed 2008 presidential bid. “I’m very negative on Donald Trump. It’s an American tragedy. He was ‘America’s mayor.’ He did a great job. And like everybody else who gets involved with Trump, it turns to shit.”

---

not so proud now, are you boys?

Proud Boys Joe Biggs and Zachary Ruel received prison sentences of 17 and 15 years respectively for seditious conspiracy for their part in the Jan 6 insurrection.

both “boys” blubbered like babies as the judge handed down their sentences.

Rehl, meanwhile, broke down crying as he read a statement, as his lawyer stood next to him with his hand on Rehl's back.

“I regret involving myself with any of it,” he said. He added that he let politics consume his life and he “lost track of who and what matters.”

boo fucking hoo.

the only sour note in all of this is that the Trump-appointed judge gave them sentences that were half of what the DOJ had been asking for.

The prison terms handed down by U.S. District Judge Timothy Kelly for Biggs and Rehl, the first Proud Boys convicted of seditious conspiracy to be sentenced for their roles in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack, were below U.S. sentencing guidelines and far lower than the 33-year and 30-year terms sought by federal prosecutors.

fucking Trump judges — even when they get it right, they still get it wrong.

---

no executive privilege for you, numbnuts

former Trump flunky Peter Navarro has been trying like hell to avoid prison. and like so many former Trump flunkies, Navarro is claiming that he should be allowed to crime all he wants because executive privilege, that’s why.

bad news for Executive Privilege Pete: a judge just told him “nah bro, fuck straight off and get your ass to court, and stick your bogus claim of privilege where the sun don’t shine.”

Wednesday’s ruling on the executive-privilege issue by Judge Amit P. Mehta was a blow to Navarro, denying him a potentially helpful trial defense against two misdemeanor counts of contempt, each punishable by up to a year in prison. Jury selection is scheduled to begin Tuesday. Navarro has pleaded not guilty.

---

a least one Republican still has integrity

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp dismisses GOP calls for special session to impeach DA Fani Willis.

“Up to this point, I have not seen any evidence that DA Willis’ actions, or lack thereof, warrant action by the prosecuting attorney oversight commission," Kemp said.

how fucking low has the bar sunk that we’re now applauding a Republican for respecting the Constitution?

---

coming to a browser tab near you

and finally, let’s go out on a high note.

Trump’s RICO trial will be live-streamed on YouTube.

The Fulton County, Georgia judge presiding over the state’s RICO case against Donald Trump and his 18 co-defendants accused of efforts to overturn the 2020 election says all court proceedings will be live-streamed and can be televised.

Judge Scott McAfee “said he is following the precedent set by fellow Fulton Judge Robert McBurney,” The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, and that “all hearings and trials will be broadcast on the Fulton County Court YouTube channel.”

have a great Friday, everyone.