328 Comments
User's avatar
Jeff Tiedrich's avatar

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, I accidentally sent this without proofreading it. UGH.

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

Typos usually stand out to me (I’ve worked in publishing) but I didn’t catch a single one. Nicely done, Jeff! And I’m still laughing over “the dangly bit” to describe Florida. Love the triptych of Claudia photos! Thank you, Jeff.

Kelly's avatar

I agree! Dangly bit is the best way to describe that cesspool of deplorables. I lived there for 25 years. You would not believe the amount of racist ignorant clowns I came across. Their governor is a POS that encourages this sick behavior.

HI2thDoc's avatar

During the interminable 2000 Presidential election, where victory was in the hands of Florida, Wanda Sykes said, hell, just lop it off our map. They just hanging down there not doing shit.

Gail Cohen's avatar

Hey, wait a minute! Here as a 50 year- plus Palm Beach County resident, aside from our sleazy, criminal rapist sleazebag and many Town of PB minions, the rest of the County is still deep blue!

HI2thDoc's avatar

Yeah, I think Wanda said it on The Daily Show, so it was tongue in cheek.

Mary Greenwald's avatar

Is that why you have a Republican governor and Republican legislature?

Gail Cohen's avatar

Please note: I was talking about Palm Beach County, NOT the State of Florida; ain't the same!!

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

But Trump has a Democratic state rep now. :)

LINDA ADAMS's avatar

Hey, I hear stuff flows downhill, and we're absorbing a lot of dregs from the rest of the country. Oh, low taxes, nice weather, let's move to Florida they say. There are really good people here, and we were here first.

NEAL O'CONNOR's avatar

The author Carl Hiasson says that a mighty force shook the country, and all of the scoundrels ended up in Florida!

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

I love Carl Hiaasen’s middle grade (some people consider them young adult) novels! I’ve never read his adult novels but I love how he makes fun of Florida while living in it.

LINDA ADAMS's avatar

We certainly seem to have more than our fair share.

SarahRey16's avatar

Another reader here who has lived in the dangly bit since 1988. Thankfully I'm in a blue county but it's just a puddle.

Gail Cohen's avatar

Not sure where you live but PB County votes blue, and has done so in the 50+ years I've lived here. Again, NOT the State nor the Town of PB, but the County, which is far larger than a puddle.

Frank Nuts's avatar

Kelly, you cheered me up, made my day!

Can you do the same with say Texas next, followed by Mississippi and then maybe Alabama? I had no idea that “Florida man” was contagious and could spread to other states but it apparently has. Not sure how we can stop it but we better get started before it starts infecting the blue states.

Identifying the problem is the first step and you’re doing an admirable job here.

Bob's avatar

Florida Man’s cousin is Arizona Man.

Joe Witkowski's avatar

Alabama’s “Florida Man” is our next governor, Helmetless Tommy Tub-of-Shit. And 5 of his senator buddies were elected illegally. Please keep that mental mendicant in Florida and off of our Tubernatorial Ballot.

Mary Greenwald's avatar

That is why my family ( 3 generations of adults) will not travel in Florida.

Kathi Ruel's avatar

I love Carl Hiassen. Read his books and Dave Barry’s, too.

Deb's avatar

And it stinks there. Probably the rotten human being’s sullying the air

Matt Callan's avatar

Yeah, kinda wish there was a fault line at the Florida border.

Kevin Rice's avatar

We have to ask: How powerful are our Jewish space lasers? Can they do more than the weather?

Bob's avatar
2hEdited

We could always hope there would be the MASH, Mother of All Sinkholes, and Georgia would get even more oceanfront land.

LINDA ADAMS's avatar

A lot of us Floridians agree.

Joe Witkowski's avatar

It’s the entire state of Georgia, a former prison colony.

Cheri Collins's avatar

Yes, “dangly bit” is perfect. It will now be my go to for discussing that area. 😂

Annette's avatar

"dangly bit" LOL . . . I prefer "God's waiting room"

kathiallyson's avatar

Seriously, I about died from "dangly bit" 🤣

Tess's avatar

I didn’t see any errors!

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

Ditto Tess, no worries, Jeff!

kdsherpa's avatar

Maybe he already fixed them.

Jan Moon's avatar

None. The Claudia photos rock! So refreshing after the shit show last night.

Miselle's avatar

NP, Jeff. We get you anyhow.

I have read another Substack and commented on it that I am hitting "E" on my tank here. And yet, I found a dreg in it and used it to call Thune's office. I screamed in the phone at his voice mail. I probably sound like a looney tune. That's all the resistance I can offer today.

Anyone reading this, can you help?

Just make one single phone call to Sen Thune and give your opinion?

Here's the DC number:

866 850 3855

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!!

Kari Scott's avatar

Sigh. I wish I could leave a voicemail for my representative. Oh, right. I live in DC, so I don’t get one 🤬

Miselle's avatar

That is a travesty.

Miselle's avatar

BTW, Kari, I am a crazy cat lady, too. And have two daughters and three nieces who are teachers. I hold educators in very high regard!

I love reading people's bios and discovering kindred souls!

Susan Niemann's avatar

I just made the call to John Thune. I'll also share it...thanks for providing it!

Joe Witkowski's avatar

Thune is yet another textbook reason why sage brush states’ two senators’ votes should not weigh equally with states where *DELIVERANCE* could *NOT* be filmed.

Miselle's avatar

THANK YOU SUSAN!

Susan Niemann's avatar

Thank you for the number!

rlritt's avatar

Sure. I love leaving messages for politicians. Do you have to leave your zip code or city. They won't care what non constituents think.

Miselle's avatar

On Thune's, you can leave your email which I do. And I said, YOUR OFFICE NEVERS EMAILS ME BACK! SHAME ON YOU!

kdsherpa's avatar

I got so disgusted with Mz. Lindzey that I started leaving ugly messages about what an idiot he is, what a hypocrite, etc., etc. I would always get the same response. I remember wishing after I wrote a particularly nasty one that I'd get something rude in return. No such luck. I guess they are allowed to block constituents. (No longer a constituent since May!)

Kathleen Weber's avatar

I didn't see any errors either!

Jeff Tiedrich's avatar

that's so weird that there aren't any typos. but I still hate that I sent it without giving it a final read-through. I always find things to change, or additional points to make. c'est la vie

Kay-El's avatar

The spellcheck gods are smiling on you today.

arne link's avatar

Right? Spellcheck is a mixed blessing on the best of days.

Ransom Rideout's avatar

It's a habbit I suppose, but give yourself a break. You know how to lay it down so well you'd have to fake a typo to just test us.

Kim Steeves's avatar

Bosses back about mid century had to have their secretaries insert a typo in their letters so the recipient didn't think they had received a form letter. FYI

Tina Zep's avatar

If, and when, there are typos, I read over them correctly and move on. You are human, right?!

Bob's avatar

I’ve been editor since pica poles walked the Earth and I didn’t see any.

Geoff Boyarsky's avatar

Good old pica poles! Not just a Polish eating disorder.

Kathleen Weber's avatar

Sometimes we just get lucky....

2Cats2Furious's avatar

You posted something about “tee shits” the other day, but I let it go. 😁

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

And I replied that it was entirely appropriate so it didn’t bother me! 🤣

Frank Nuts's avatar

Jeff, you’re perfect. What you write is perfect. Typos are irrelevant. Mistakes occur. We all make mistakes. We acknowledge them and we move on. I didn’t notice any typos today either.

Your thoughts are pure. Your intentions are good. Your passion is eatable and delicious. That’s all that matters.

Bon appetite!

kdsherpa's avatar

You are so sweet! You write the most vulgar things, and then worry whether you spelled them correctly.

Deb's avatar

So human of you ;)

Douglas Mackay's avatar

Did you eat Chinese food?

Abby From Maine's avatar

I read it without missing a beat! It is great work...nobody cares about the typos! We care about the content! PS Ms Spouse looks awesome in a hat!

kathiallyson's avatar

Sorry, we editor/proofreader types DO care about typos as well as content. We can't help it.

2Cats2Furious's avatar

Former English major and civil litigator here. My entire adult life has involved proofreading documents over and over and over…

I’m retired now, but some things stick with you.

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

I will go back to one of my comments to fix if I discover a type. Been after Bluesky to allow that as Facebook and Substack does.

Karen Jenkins's avatar

You endeared me to you the first time you referred to Claudia as Ms. Spouse. You are also a great journalist!

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

The turn of phrase that got me to subscribe was "committed a journalism."

Will's avatar

I’m slipping. Didn’t notice a thing. But to be fair, it’s hard to edit something when you’re laughing so much.

Altamama2's avatar

yes it's so damn pitiful but he can make it so DAMN FUNNY at the same time!!!

Kim Steeves's avatar

Thank God, Jeff is able to make this shit funny.....saves our sanity!!

Skepticat's avatar

Just to be a pain in the butt, this proofreader had to look carefully twice, but you didn’t hyphenate “sour grapes,” had a space in ”horseshit,” and had “planed” rather than “planned.” Big freaking whoop; what you say is much more important than those details. And you spelled Claudia properly, so all is good.

Bob's avatar

The “planed” instead of “planned” was in the original X post. But it’s crumbs from masterful pastry of political humor.

Skepticat's avatar

I agree completely and thoroughly enjoy the banquet, but proofreaders gotta proof.

Nancie's avatar

That's okay--I was super happy to get the post earlier than usual. I fully understand that you are a highly literate person and a few mistakes do not change my opinion! Thanks for the work.

Joyce's avatar

Everyone will survive.

DrBDH's avatar

So only See BS ran the “speech” live? Did any of the rapidly dwindling audience at the Ellisons’ Bari Weiss Network watch it or were they all over at Fox?

Bob's avatar

PBS ran it, but that’s what they do, much like the BBC having Boris Johnson on.

Janet Ridgley's avatar

I saw nor read any typos Jeff!! Your essay was brilliant written logically without any typos that I saw!!

And Trumpfuck remains the demented sore loser who belongs in a locked memory loss facility!

Don’t worry Jeff!

And lovely stylish Claudia was a joy to see!

J Hardy Carroll's avatar

I like a man who shoots from the hip, but with Trump everything you use turns into a scatter gun like the guys had on the stagecoaches. You're GONNA hit something!

michellefromchicago's avatar

You did just fine, Jeff! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Kim Steeves's avatar

Nope not a ONE!!!! Great job, Jeff, and our Ms. Spouse, wonderful, thank you!!!!

Cheri Collins's avatar

Not a problem. We understood what you meant. ❤️

Mike Hammer's avatar

Surprising, he didn’t say that Greenland was spying on us and changed the election. That would give him the cover he needs to invade the island.

Kathleen Weber's avatar

MIKE!!! don't give the mother fucking POS any ideas!!!

Nightmaher's avatar

Yeah Mike “Loose lips sinks ships”. lol just yoking with you!

rlritt's avatar
3hEdited

Can anyone tell me if the government would actually let him invade Greenland. Wouldn't that be against international law or something. Too bad for him he has used all our bombs on Iran. Maybe he can send Hegseth and his testosterone infused troops to invade.

Mike Hammer's avatar

Their breast growth to DD size from the testosterone might become problematic with Hegseth. He’s not overly fond of women in the military.

Bob's avatar

Hegseth can lead the 89th Pectoral Mammary Gland Battalion.

Cheri Collins's avatar

Bullet-proof bras in cammo!

rlritt's avatar

You never know. Men with breasts may be his kink.

Diana's avatar

Good idea 👍

Kim Steeves's avatar

Like this administration and donOLD respect international law?!? Same as respecting the constitution, ethics, morals, rule of law, judges etc, etc,

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

Should he be stupid enough to try it he would find all the other NATO nations united in defending it.

Irascible Ink's avatar

I'm surprised he didn't blame Canada. I mean, we're right now trying to kill 'Muricans with our unraked burning boreal forest. That devious Snidley Whiplash!

Diana's avatar

Sssshhh Mike!🤭

Frank Nuts's avatar

OMG Mike, you’re right. He had a twofer right there in front of him and blew it.

Don’t you think that the fine writers on Substack should write his speeches for him so these mistakes stop happening.

I can see our name in lights at the end of his speeches: “Presidential meanderings provided curtesy of The Substack Smarties”: “We Aim To Please…but please aim better”.

I got a plan (scary, I know): we all place bets on one of those betting sites betting that Substack will be writing his speeches. Odds against that happening will be 1000 to 1. We each bet $100. We start writing his speeches. We each pocket $100,000. Easy peasy. To make sure it happens we cut Donny junior in on the action. Done deal. Insider trading at its finest.

HI2thDoc's avatar

China? You talkin' 'bout China? The same place you've been having your merch manufactured for years? The place where your Bibles are printed now? The place where your money-grubbing daughter received special favorable trade treatment? That China?

Joyce's avatar

China could give a rat's ass what he says about them--just as Iran could give a rat's ass. And the UK, and Spain, and Italy, and France, and Greenland, and Canada, and that island inhabited totally and only by penguins. Rat's asses across the globe.

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

He keeps talking about how "respected" America is now. In fact, it's the complete opposite.

Jeanne Leduc's avatar

Only the brain dead MAGAts give a shit...

rlritt's avatar

He probably told them he is going to spread some shit about them and to not worry, its just propaganda. China gets that. They can then use us to manipulate their citizens. What a bunch of greedy bastards.

HI2thDoc's avatar

I think there is an unwritten understanding among authoritarians that posturing and propaganda are a vital tool in oppression, so they ignore the bullshit as just that.

George A. Polisner's avatar

Thank you Jeff.

We all enjoy your insights, proofed or not.

In an hour I’m honored to give a speech about corruption, how it seems to an abstract concept, but what it costs every one of us.

And I am tying back to the fecklessness of the GOP-led Congress to put a stop to it due to their insatiable greed for power and their cowardice. And I’m doing it outside of the local Congressional District office.

Standby if I need bail money.

Tess's avatar

👏👏👏👏

Diana's avatar

Good luck George- you’ve got this‼️

Ann Anderson's avatar

Tommy Tuberville (it feels stupid to even type that stupid name) may or may not live in the state he represents. He should STFU about being in the Senate illegally.

The Chinese did not steal our election. Everyone knows it was the Hamburglar.

Jeff is the second Substack writer I've read this a.m. who referenced Donny hanging on to the podium for dear life. He's on his last legs and that's why no one is paying attention to his blather.

Sharon Hudnall's avatar

His pulmonary collapse is showing and he was literally choking on his own throat juice at several points. Tick tock.

Bob's avatar

Alzheimer’s and a couple of other forms of dementia don’t care about your age, your diet or your workout regimen, or lack there of. It will slowly shut down every bodily function until there are none.

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Outstanding concept, but disgusting visual😑

Joe Witkowski's avatar

A far more disgusting visual is the throat juice of Scott Bessent and Peter Thiel. Man chowder.

Cheri Collins's avatar

🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

arne link's avatar

It was surprising that they propped him up at the podium. Why not have him sit at the desk.

Rachel C's avatar

He might have fallen asleep 👹

Lairbo's avatar

So, they're going after "illegal senators" now? Are hordes and caravans of illegal senators taking senate jobs away from more deserving American would-be senators? Sheesh. I wonder if this will kick off a round of Joe McCarthy style accusations, complete with no evidence and the numbers changing with each telling.

Joyce's avatar

Even now, those illegal senators are setting up taco trucks on every street corner, in order to.......

I'm not sure. I just remember that I was supposed to think that a taco truck just down the street from me was supposed to be an actual bad thing.

Daniel M Kimmel's avatar

Well, that "gash" in the Reflecting Pool is now up to 350 YARDS.

Nancie's avatar

no one is paying attention to his blather... Stephen Miller, JD Vance, and Peter Thiel (from his Dr. No underground lair) are all paying CLOSE ATTENTION.

rlritt's avatar

Thats the scary part. Those three are a pack of weasels.

Cheri Collins's avatar

Don’t insult weasels!

Lisa Bieber's avatar

They're treason weasels. It's a separate breed.

Bob's avatar

Rapacious snakes.

rlritt's avatar

Scurvy rats.

Ann Anderson's avatar

His inner circle was not the intended audience for the speech. The speech was From them not For them. The intended audience was tens of millions of voters, and that audience did not materialize. I thought my meaning was obvious from the context but apparently not.

Natalia Lincoln's avatar

Just call him T-Tubes! A Jeff Tiedrich original.

Gloria J. Maloney's avatar

"China something China". That's about all I got out of the 27 minutes.

arne link's avatar

I thought that he and Xi were besties. They were besties a month ago. Did they break up?

HI2thDoc's avatar

I'm sure he has told Xi that the bullshit he spews is only to fool and control us, his own subjects, I mean citizens. Xi can relate to that approach. I'm also sure the oligarchs and Javanka, the greed machine, have all sorts of back channels, sweetheart deals, under the table payoffs, etc. Insert every corrupt cliche' here.

AuntTeeFa's avatar

Isn’t that where her voting machines are made? That was one of her patents wasn’t it?

And what could possibly go wrong?

DuduLovesBubu's avatar

I'm surprised he didn't go into that. Voting machines and their parts are made in China. Voting machines are always communicating with the motherland via a secret satellite communications network.

HI2thDoc's avatar

I heard it was for her apparel and accessory line, the same shit she peddled when she was a "senior WH advisor." What a joke.

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

China likely had a copy of his mind numbing script Arne, they were busy laughing at the depech d'imbécile!

Sharon Hudnall's avatar

He's pissed because China just refused to provide support for our military effort in the Strait. They told him "you broke it, you own it."

Natalia Lincoln's avatar

He found out “Xi” is pronounced “she”. May the abuse begin!

Leu2500's avatar

it's an on & off relationship. the kids these days probably have a better name for it.

Kathleen Weber's avatar

It used to be, Russia Russia Russia. From now on I guess it's China China China.

Lisa Bieber's avatar

It should be Epstein, Epstein, Epstein.

Cathy 98280's avatar

I always hear him saying, “Jina Jina Jina” - rhymes with vagina - ‘cause I think that’s where his mind is most of the time.

Donna Marie's avatar

Are they eating the dogs and cats too. A really big Boogeyman this time

AuntTeeFa's avatar

No, aren’t you aware of the long running conspiracy that that’s what they sell you in Chinese food?

Heavy emphasis on cat

Diana's avatar

They pumped him up on the wrong meds- didn’t watch it - did he do the “ long blink?”

Cheri Collins's avatar

I was hoping he’d OD on Adderal and blow his aorta.

Irascible Ink's avatar

I'd would've tuned in for that. 😎🍿

Joyce's avatar

Solidarity with Miss LG

Bob's avatar

If his inferior vena cava dissected, either his chest cavity or his gut fills with blood. The former is pretty crowded, so it will hurt. A lot.

Bob's avatar

No, he was on an Adderal roll.

Gloria J. Maloney's avatar

They had him propped up and glue his eyelids open.

Bob's avatar

His droning makes any bagpiper sound musical.

Mark Slattery's avatar

Donald seemed very low-T to me. He might want to get that checked out.

AuntTeeFa's avatar

SecDeath is on it!

Natalia Lincoln's avatar

He spilled the T, it’s in his diaper now.

DuduLovesBubu's avatar

I don't know. He might already be on it. He's got the man boobs thing really going on.

Scott Gilbert's avatar

“Chinese government’s strategy against the United States was focused on undermining domestic confidence in the US president." Oh, shit, Donnie, we don't need "Jina" for that. You do a WONDERFUL job of it all. by. yourself.

HI2thDoc's avatar

He is the easiest mark for foreign nations to implode us in world history. That is no hyperbole. His shady past, greed, stupidity, ignorance, shallowness, egotism, narcissism, covetousness, and mendacity make him so vulnerable to bribery, flattery, blackmail, and extortion. Someone with his past and combination of negative attributes should never head a nation. Every other nation, friend or foe, plays him like a fiddle. A cheap, chintzy, decrepit fiddle.

MC_Neville's avatar

Putin has got to be doing some sort of an evil silverfish dance of joy as he sees his investment in Agent Orange pay off beyond his wildest dreams. Every day the sack of wet stinking garbage stays in power is a day our nation gets weaker.

Dave Drell's avatar

Da Ruskies targeted Dum(b) Donny decades ago… they knew he was a corrupt & stupid fool- the kind they like to manipulate

arne link's avatar

The tsunami of shit just never ends. I'm so tired.

Marian Vitale's avatar

And now the shitshow involves actual shit.

Brad Yazell's avatar

Well I guess Russia, Russia, Russia is back! LMAO. I knew everyone in this administration is as dumb as dirt. But this takes it to another level.

JsuttraL's avatar

Trump and his regime of idiots don’t need to offer proof of ANYTHING; all they have to do is say it and MAGA believes it as the gospel truth

rlritt's avatar

I think MAGA is dwindling resource for Trump.

Cheri Collins's avatar

I sure hope so. The true cult zombies won’t turn away, but the reasonable ones might.

Fastball Fredo's avatar

How very odd in Donnie’s big loon fest speech there was no mention of invading Cuba or Greenland for national security purposes..Speaking of odd.. Xi comes to America in a couple of months, Donald admires dictators, so I’m sure it will be a s**t show as Donnie attempts to distance himself from last nights assertions without evidence.. But that’s what con men do.. I believe the world now knows, if there was any doubt… that he’s gone, just like that old locomotive rolling the tracks, he’s gone, he’s gone, and he’s never coming back…he’s gone.. Best to All fellow Travelers.. rest up over this weekend…

HI2thDoc's avatar

It's a virtual certainty that his stooges have privately reached out to China just as they did to the ruling cabal in Iran to inform them that the social media grievances and now this crock of crap are for political posturing only and should not be construed as official policy or positions. Iran and China can relate to manipulation of the populace, so I'm sure they understand propagandizing for disinformation purposes.

Kim Nesvig's avatar

Should be interesting when Xi visits. Donnie will most certainly roll out the red carpet, and beg him for some of the 200 gazillion votes he imagines China keeps handy for US elections.

Dave Drell's avatar

It would be something if Xi stated at the State Dinner ( WH will order from Panda Express, btw) that the Chinese people Never attempted to assist in corrupting American elections . Har!

HH Mohr's avatar

Unlike most liars, he doesn't have to remember his lies. He was always a bullshitter but lately he's just gone, like you said.

Frosty McGillicuddy's avatar

So Dumb Donny gave a big "speech"

A tired old fuck and a leech

There must have been sumpin'

Than to watch this douche dumpin' '

Like inhale smoke particles on a beach!

HI2thDoc's avatar

He cannot disguise

His whines and his cries

And repeatedly tries

His firehose of lies

Can't wait 'til he dies

Frosty McGillicuddy's avatar

I'd rather he just go to jail

And be someone's bitch, the fuckwhale

"Hey Donny, bend someone over

And bark like dog Rover

And vomit straight into a pail!"

Kay-El's avatar

So Russia Russia Russia was True True True. Like we didn’t already know. Trump’s own confirmation on live tv is karma.

Dave Drell's avatar

He’s so stupid, you think he could beat a 3 year old at

TIC TAC TOE? no way, right?

Dave the Spot-on Moron's avatar

Jesus Christ, dude! Get the fuck over it already! You fucking lost, fair and square. There was no fraud or cheating or ballot manipulation or undocumented immigrants voting or people voting more than once (well, there was some of that, but it was in The Villages in Florida and they voted for King Dipshit). But, GOD DAMMIT, you piece of shit, MOVE ON! Oh, and if there was any fraud or election interference from China or Russia, it was DURING HIS FIRST ADMINISTRATION! He owns that shit!

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what you get when a child never learns how to lose graciously, accept their defeat and go on with life. He’s still that child who turns over the checker board when he loses.

Pamala M Rider's avatar

Keep on doing what you do! I start my mornings with you. Dark humor is best accompanied by black ☕️.