elderly psychopath blows up another boat

Donny offers no proof, but he does have plenty of thoughts about football

ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for a decree of the utmost importance from Donny J. Convict, President of the United States, King of the Americas, Ruler of Our Great Oceans and Plentipotentary for All of Planet Earth and the Stars Beyond.

‘The NFL has to get rid of that ridiculous looking new Kickoff Rule. How can they make such a big and sweeping change so easily and quickly. It’s at least as dangerous as the “normal” kickoff, and looks like hell. The ball is moving, and the players are not, the exact opposite of what football is all about. “Sissy” football is bad for America, and bad for the NFL! Who comes up with these ridiculous ideas? It’s like wanting to “roll back” the golf ball so it doesn’t go (nearly!) as far. Fortunately, college football will remain the same, hopefully forever!!’

folks, I regret to inform you that this is not one of Gavin Newsom’s awesome parody tweets. nope, this batshit post is one hundred percent from the deteriorating brain of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants — who, apparently, knows more about sportsball than all the sportsballers.

imagine being such a small and petty grievance-baby that everything annoys you. windmills. low-flush toilets. not enough ugly golden filigree in the Oval Office. late-night TV hosts. laws against domestic violence. football.

you would imagine that the very job of being president of a large country would keep one too occupied with actual pressing matters to worry about some rule change in a sport. but I guess when you’ve delegated executive authority to Norferatu McGoebbels and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, it gives you all the time in the world to bellyache about inconsequential minutiae.

fortunately for the NFL, they don’t have to do shit about Donny’s whining, because he forgot to thank them for their attention to this matter — which means it’s not a legally-binding decree. it’s right there in Article II of the Constitution, in the Very Special Boy Clause that John Roberts scribbled in the margins, when no one was looking.

apparently it’s the same clause that allows Donny — without proof, or actual legal authority — to blow Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water, killing who the fuck even cares how many civilians, they’re Venezuelans.

I’m guessing that the extrajudicial killing of foreign civilians is addictive — kind of like a drug — because Donny done gone and blowed up a second Venezuelan fishing boat.

once again, Donny has decided that he gets to kill whoever he wants, because reasons. and notice what he does here: he unilaterally reclassifies drugs as ‘deadly weapons’ — presumably so he can justify using US military might against what could very well end up being another unarmed Venezuelan fishing boat. I wonder which one of Donny’s ace team of parking garage lawyers came up with that flimsy rationale.

and, once again, Donny offers no tangible proof that this ship was operated by a cartel — or was transporting drugs — beyond his say-so.

reporter: “what can you tell us about this Venezuelan boat that was taken out, and do you plan to provide proof that these were narco terrorists who were on the way to the US?”

Donny: “we have proof. all you have to do is look at the cargo that was— like, it’s spattered all over the ocean. big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place.”

excuse me, big bags of what? here’s a screencap of the video Donny provided in his not-tweet. do you see any ‘big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place’? I don’t. all I see is a boat on fire.

what the fuck is Donny blithering about?

wait a minute. Donny, are these bags of cocaine and fentanyl in the room with us right now? is that why we’re not seeing them in the video? are these ginormous drugbags saying ‘sir, sir! thank for blowing us all the fuck to hell! no one polices the waterways like you do, sir!’

so, Donny’s not going to offer us any proof, other than his say-so, and a blurry video. I guess when you’re King of the Americas and Ruler of All Our Great Oceans, they just let you.

here’s a fun fact about Venezuela and fentanyl.

Venezuela plays virtually no role in the fentanyl trade.

Fentanyl is almost entirely produced in Mexico with chemicals imported from China, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the Justice Department and the Congressional Research Service. Mexico is close to the U.S. market, and Mexican cartels already control many fentanyl smuggling routes.

fentanyl doesn’t come from Venezuela — and unlike Colombian cocaine, it’s not even routed through Venezuela.

so please, Donny, tells us again about the big bags of imaginary fentanyl in the water. I love a good fairy tale, don’t you? especially when the moral is fear for your life.

“we have noticed that there are no ships in the ocean any more. that there’s like, no ships, when the first one we went— hundreds of boats. now there are no boats. I wonder why. meaning, no drugs are coming across. probably stopping some fishermen too. to be honest about it, if I were a fisherman, I wouldn’t want to go fishing either. just a nice, let’s take a little trip, because [laughs] I’d say, ‘man, if they— maybe they think I have drugs downstairs. I don’t want that—’ I think the fishing business has probably been hurt. but there are literally no boats. this was a boat, and we were surprised to see it.”

Jesus H. Christ on a Venezuelan fishing boat, who the fuck talks like this? psychopaths, that’s who. check out how Donny laughs maniacally as he muses about how he’s scaring the shit out of terrified fisherman. this is all a big joke to him. ha ha!

hey fisherman — duck! oops, too late. looks like you blowed up real good. ha ha!

I don’t have to tell you just how fucking evil this is. we’re no longer just an international laughingstock. we’re now a lawless, sadistic pariah as well. lucky us.

also: ‘there are literally no boats’? fact check:

what is Donny talking about? each of those triangles is a ship, and — spoiler alert — they are in the room with us right now. there are hundreds of craft in the waters around Venezuela. once again, Donny is just making shit up, blithering idiotically, cackling like a cartoon villian, lying to the press — and every one of these worthless scribblers is bobbing their head and going ‘well, I guess so’ as Donny jokes about slaughtering fishermen.

this is probably a good time to remind every reporter that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,995th day.

by the way, did you notice how President Rottinghand keeps covering up his rotting hand?

oh, there we go. yeesh, that’s nasty. and it’s getting worse.

oh, and speaking of covering up, there seems to be another large object in the waters south of our country.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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