elderly golfer’s brain goes fuckity-bye in batshit press conference

just what we need, a war with Europe

hey, remember Demented Donny Fuckbrain, whose campaign speeches were incomprehensible gibberish? he’d be talking about tariffs, and then would veer off into a crazypants soliloquy about boat batteries and sharks and Hannibal Lecter.

Donny’s inability to complete a single coherent thought should have been enough to show he was not up to the job of presidenting — but our worthless media sanewashed all that shit away, and millions of low-information nitwits ended up voting for the guy they imagined was going to lower the price of eggs.

since the election, the media’s focus has been on Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns — the Space Nazi, Piss-Drunk Pete Hegseth, Krazee Eyes Kash Patel, Bobby Brainworms Jr., and the like — and, as a result, any discussions of Donny’s cognitive impairments have gotten shuffled off to the side.

yesterday, at a Motel-a-Lago press conference, Demented Donny came roaring back.

“these people are crazy. there’s something wrong with them. there’s something wrong with them. they also want to go back, and they have already started that, too, when you buy a faucet, no water comes out. because they want to preserve— even in areas that have so much water you don’t know what to do with it. it’s called rain. it comes down from, it comes down from heaven. and uh, they want to do no water comes out of the shower. it goes drip, drip, drip. so what happens, you’re in the shower ten times as long, you know. no water comes out of the faucet, you want to wash your hands, they want to go back to even stronger than what they have right now. I, as you know, I ended that policy. you can have all the water you want. makes no difference. comes— we’ve— especially in certain areas we have so much water we don’t know what to do with it.”

thank your lucky stars that Donny is here to thwart that goddamned Sleepy Joe Brandon’s commie plan to Make America Unwashed Again. no longer will Marxists hell-bent on destroying our precious freedoms be able to saunter into Home Depot and say ‘give me one of those faucets that nothing comes out of.’

hey, it turns out that Donny is one of these namby-pamby “save the whales” types. who knew?

“and they’re 25 stories tall, 40 stories tall, they have one 70 stories tall, the blades, they take — three ships to ship them. it’s crazy. they’re dangerous. you see what’s happening up in the Massachusetts area with the whales, where they had two whales wash ashore in I think a 17-year period. and now they had 14 this season. the windmills are driving the whales crazy, obviously.”

fact check: fuck straight off with this nonsense.

There is no evidence to back Mr Trump's suggestion that offshore wind turbines are killing whales.

NOAA officials carried out post-mortem examinations on about 90 humpback whales found dead since 2016.

Forty per cent of those deaths were linked to human interaction — whales becoming entangled in fishing nets, or being struck by vessels traveling through their feeding grounds.

In the remaining cases investigated by NOAA, other factors were listed as possible causes of death, including parasite-caused organ damage or starvation.

nope, sorry, it’s us who are killing the whales — by fishing in their feeding grounds.

now, of all the things that never happened, here’s something that never happened the most.

reporter: “you said on your first day of office, you’re going to pardon January 6th defendants. are you planning to pardon those who are charged with violent offenses?”

Donny: “we’re looking at it, and we have other people in there, and as you see, 24 or 28 people came now from the FBI, that came out very quietly, nobody reported it. they had people in some form related to the FBI, that had four or five people that were strongly related to the FBI. we have to find out about that. we have to find out about Hezbollah. we have to find out about who exactly was in that whole thing.”

wait, is Donny seriously suggesting that Hezbollah did January 6th? why stop there? the Khmer Rouge might have been also involved, for all we know. fuck, maybe Basque separatists had a hand in things, too.

now, what’s all this incoherent nonsense about the FBI? that’s just Donny spouting the discredited conspiracy theory that January 6 was instigated by “ghost buses” full of FBI agents.

Higgins, an Army veteran and former police officer, said ghost vehicles are used for “secret purposes.” He pointed to the picture of buses in the garage and noted they were painted “completely white,” as though that were an unusual way for buses to look.

“These buses are nefarious in nature and were filled with FBI informants dressed as Trump supporters deployed unto our Capitol on Jan. 6,” Higgins said. “Your day is coming, Mr. Wray.”

just what you want in a president, the willingness to tolerate the looniest conspiracy theories, as long as they feed into his worldview that the Deep State is plotting against him.

mind you, the press conference wasn’t all batshit conspiracy nonsense. Donny also did his best to stoke international tensions with threats of military interventions in sovereign countries.

reporter: “can you assure the world that as you try to get control of these areas, you are not going to use military or economic coercion?”
Donny: “no, I can’t assure you. you’re talking about Panama and Greenland. I can’t assure you on either of those two.”

Donny is fucking serious about military operations in countries we’ve never had a beef with. he claims it’s necessary for our national well-being.

hey, you know who else claimed he had to invade other countries out of necessity? of course you do.

ladies and gentlemen, I give you the concept of lebensraum.

Lebensraum (living space) is a German concept of expansionism. Following Adolf Hitler’s rise to power, Lebensraum became an ideological principle of Nazism and provided justification for the German territorial expansion into Central and Eastern Europe. The Nazi policy Generalplan Ost (lit. ‘Master Plan for the East’) was based on its tenets. It stipulated that Germany required a Lebensraum necessary for its survival and that most of the populations of Central and Eastern Europe would have to be removed permanently.

Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark — and Denmark is founding member of NATO. so when Donny yammers about sending troops into Greenland, he’s talking about a military attack on a NATO nation.

Vlad Putin must be pissing himself with glee right now.

as you might imagine, Donny’s threats aren’t going over very well in Europe right now.

France has warned Donald Trump against threatening the “sovereign borders” of the European Union after the US president-elect refused to rule out military action to take control of Greenland, an autonomous territory of the EU member Denmark.

The French foreign minister, Jean-Noël Barrot, told France Inter radio: “There is no question of the EU letting other nations in the world, whoever they may be, attack its sovereign borders.”

Donny isn’t even president yet and he’s already stirring up an international crisis. what could possibly go wrong?

hey, I’ll be you didn’t realize that our border with Canada is an imaginary one.

“Canada and the United States, that would really be something. you get rid of that artificially-drawn line.”

wait a minute. our border with Canada is artificial, but our border with Mexico is so fucking set in stone that we’re going to build a wall to define it. how does that work?

it must be fun to be a Republican. you can just spout the looniest say shit all day long, and no one in the media ever goes hey, wait a minute. they just write it all down.

and now, here’s the crowning moment of batshit.

“Mexico’s really in trouble. lotta trouble. very dangerous place. and we’re going to be announcing at a future date, pretty soon, we’re going to change— because we do most of the work there, it’s ours. we’re going to be changing— it’s sort of the opposite of Biden, where he’s closing everything up, essentially getting rid of fifty to sixty trillion dollars worth of assets, we’re going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, which has a beautiful ring. that covers a lot of territory. the Gulf of America, what a beautiful name.”

sure, why the fuck not? I mean, once you’ve used your magical presidential sharpie to redraw the path of a hurricane —

— it’s a piece of cake to rename multinational bodies of water.

and oh look, Congresswoman Caterwaul Sporkfoot has jumped feet-first into the fray.

Immediately following his remarks, Greene posted on X in support of the idea — and vowed to make it happen.

In a follow-up post on Tuesday afternoon, Greene shared the text of the legislation and said it would be ready to file Thursday morning.

yeah, no. the Gulf of Mexico is a ‘marginal sea’ that can mostly be considered international waters. it isn’t anyone’s gulf. Donny and Sporky can pass all the nitwitted legislation they want — and they can sharpie the shit out of every map in sight — but good fucking luck getting any other country on the planet to play along.

but seriously, though, how fucking childish are Donny and his minions in the GOP? every day is some new hissy fit over nothing. they go out of their way to invent grievances over things that well-adjusted people never give a moment’s thought to.

imagine being so triggered by the very name “Gulf of Mexico” that you throw a shit-fit and shout ‘mine!,’ like you’re an ill-mannered toddler grabbing a toy out of some other child’s hands.

what a great idea it was, handing these dirty-diaper grudge-babies the reins of power.

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Pacific Palisades in Southern California is burning to the fucking ground right now. I don’t know how many members of our online community live in the area, but please know that our thoughts are with you today — and we all hope that right now, you’re somewhere safe.

edit, 10:49 am: San Fernando, Altadena, and the Sepulveda Basin are now also on fire. please stay safe!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.